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A Message from Michele
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Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: soleil] #2090212
10/16/10 01:35 AM
10/16/10 01:35 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
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bernita Offline
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bernita  Offline
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Been dealing with an emotionally abusive spouse for quite some time. The last straw was on our 25th anniversary this summer. He made a big deal about a video he made of our wedding, took it to work to show all the women what a great guy he was and then when he gave it to me after dinner, he made a point of attacking me about not giving him anything for our anniversary. (We were planning a weekend out of town to celebrate anniversary that weekend where I had planned to buy a special bottle of wine and drink them from crystal used at our wedding). So he brought up Christmas 4 years ago when he did not buy me anything for Christmas and I objected, so he gave me the silent treatment for 4 days until I APOLOGIZED because I was so upset by the silent treatment! His attitude was that I was wrong then, and wrong on our anniversary.
I guess the point is it truly is impossible to reason with an abusive spouse - they will not hear us anyway.
Been reading Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage and it truly describes the pain of being in a difficult marriage better than anything else I've seen. My husband fits the description of a dangerous spouse according to the book.

Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: soleil] #2090467
10/17/10 10:29 AM
10/17/10 10:29 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38
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freespirit Offline OP
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freespirit  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: soleil
Did you write him back? My advice is that if you do, do not attack him, do not blame him, do not be mean/rude, etc. Keep it short and sweet.


I agree; "just the facts" are going into a brief letter AFTER the fact...thanks...


M -12 Years
1 9 y son (w/me)
S-Nov 2009 (and LOVING it; will NEVER go back!)
D-soon
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: bernita] #2090468
10/17/10 10:37 AM
10/17/10 10:37 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38
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freespirit Offline OP
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freespirit  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: bernita
Been dealing with an emotionally abusive spouse for quite some time. ..... I guess the point is it truly is impossible to reason with an abusive spouse - they will not hear us anyway.

Been reading Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage and it truly describes the pain of being in a difficult marriage better than anything else I've seen. My husband fits the description of a dangerous spouse according to the book.


Welcome to DB Bernita...
I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through; clarity is helping you it sounds like and reading and getting understanding allows us to detach and "move on". Your H sound like he has "a point to make" and the blame all points to you (as all abusers do)...so have you "walked away?" or thinking about running away like I did...LOL...

The more we "don't respond in fear and hurt" toward how they treat us; the more "power" we take out of their abuse...My abusive husband is still trying to fix the blame on me for leaving him. I am sure that DIVORCE will all be my fault as I have waited patiently for him to be humble and loving and seek "the good of our marriage" and have compassion toward me to "change" his behavior. He refuses ALL counseling and I think he is an IDIOT. He LOST ME! I did not walk away, I RAN and I am GLAD that I did!!!! NO ONE deserves to be abused!!!!

Sending hugs; keep posting and "playing your cards close to your chest" and taking care of yoursel...(you know that ANYONE can read these posts; you don't have to be member to read, be careful what you say: anything I have said, I have posted with the full consciousness that my soon to be EX husband may read this, figure out that this is ME and that I am talking about HIM...I say; good for him.)


M -12 Years
1 9 y son (w/me)
S-Nov 2009 (and LOVING it; will NEVER go back!)
D-soon
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: freespirit] #2090481
10/17/10 12:31 PM
10/17/10 12:31 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
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bernita Offline
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bernita  Offline
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Thank you, free spirit for your reply. you are so right - the abusive spouse always sees us as the problem and projects onto us what they are doing.
I haven't left. Our oldest son is a senior in college and I know he would be cut off if I left. our youngest is being home schooled this year so again, I am staying for now. I've been reading so many books about emotional and verbal abuse and trying to get strong and be happy despite the abuse. It's surely not easy!
I want to say to you to enjoy your freedom but that surely carries it's own problems, doesn't it in terms of dealing with the divorce. The anger these abusers carry, when it is spewed out at us is unbelievably strong. You are so right about trying to not act back in pain. It's that concept of "power over" that is talked about in Patricia Evans book on verbal abuse. They are coming at us from a different reality - power over versus Mutual love that we are trying to live in.

Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: bernita] #2090686
10/18/10 10:50 AM
10/18/10 10:50 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38
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freespirit Offline OP
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freespirit  Offline OP
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Here are some awesome books; more on the christian few side of emotional and verbal abuse (Patricia Evans books are great btw)
[*]The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick
[*]What to do when you are abused by your husband by Debi Pryde
[*]Fool-proofing your life by Jan Silvious

I found that journaling and going to counseling also helped me sort through the fog of abuse and see things; including myself, more clearly. They certainly "don't see us or hear us" and as Patricia's YouTube videos state (#2 I believe) that when this happens the "relationship has ended"...they are no longer having a real relationship with us but with the "dream woman" they constantly want to see and hear; since SHE is the one who is NOT separate from them and does not threaten their "reality"...


M -12 Years
1 9 y son (w/me)
S-Nov 2009 (and LOVING it; will NEVER go back!)
D-soon
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: freespirit] #2090689
10/18/10 11:33 AM
10/18/10 11:33 AM
Joined: Mar 2007
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DCSUK Offline
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Hi freespirit, I have verbally and emotionaly abused my wife and I have paid the price for it, she has left me.

My issues are caused by work stress and depression which I am now taking meds for, I also had an issue with drink, which helped with the stress and depression, I have not had a drink in weeks, I feel better in me, I'm happier, I'm fitter, but I am empty without her next to me.

Her leaving has broken my heart and made me look at myself and what changes I have to make.

If you don't mind I would like to ask a question, my wife left me and took our children, we had a deep love and found each other so attractive that we would drag each other into the downstairs toilet at the drop of a hat, this was after being together for 15 years, this shows what we had for each other.

Now she has gone we only interact through text or when I pick the kids up, its all polite but thats it, nothing about me or her its the kids, I know this is all I deserve, but I have backed off and given her space, I do not contact her or follow her, it is killing me but I have to look at ME and my issues which I am addressing.

So the question!, how do I show her any changes in me, I don't want to ask her to go out anywhere, I don't really see her so she can see any change, but I want my wife, I maybe have lost her, but I want her.

How do I show her the changes without invading her space or putting pressure on her, I'm sorry for jumping into your thread but I can see you want to try and work on your marriage, I don't know if my wife does, but any advice on getting her back would be great, thanks

Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: DCSUK] #2090718
10/18/10 12:47 PM
10/18/10 12:47 PM
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bernita Offline
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bernita  Offline
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freespirit,
Thank you for the book suggestions. I have ordered the Debi Pryde book from Amazon.
You are so right about counseling. I started seeing a therapist 2 years ago when we were having trouble with one of our sons. I found I could trust this therapist so I ended up seeing him more than my son did. I still see him once a week, despite H's objections. The counselor has helped me see through the fog of codependency and emotional abuse. I had isolated myself because I was so depressed (and my H kept telling me "I have no friends"), now I am developing friendships again and doing things I love, like playing the piano, again. And I am seeing my relationship with H in a very different light.

M - 25 years
3 S 15, 19, 21

Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: DCSUK] #2091999
10/20/10 01:27 AM
10/20/10 01:27 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38
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freespirit Offline OP
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freespirit  Offline OP
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Posts: 38
Hi DC...
Originally Posted By: DCSUK
Hi freespirit, I have verbally and emotionaly abused my wife and I have paid the price for it, she has left me.So the question!, how do I show her any changes in me, I don't want to ask her to go out anywhere, I don't really see her so she can see any change, but I want my wife, I maybe have lost her, but I want her.
How do I show her the changes without invading her space or putting pressure on her, I'm sorry for jumping into your thread but I can see you want to try and work on your marriage, I don't know if my wife does, but any advice on getting her back would be great, thanks

I am glad to hear that you are "waking up" but it will take MUCH more than that for her...do you have a counselor? A trusted man who KNOWS how to love and treat a woman?
I have been separated from my abusive husband for almost a year; I don't miss him; I have lost all trust and don't care to "try any more" to make it work with him. Our relationship has died. Truth. My dear husband "could not show me" how he has changed apart from TRUE repentance, humility and "laying down his life" for me and he has not shown ANYTHING of the sort. You "can't give your wife space"...she has "taken" it back from you...this is a change of perspective for you. It is HER life and she has the right to NOT be with you. She may still be terribly hurt; or like me, happy to be apart from you. PRAY and PRAY hard...God CAN put you back together but you will NEVER be able to show her change in you until it is truly done and she feels safe to even give you time to talk about things...

You asked for the truth and only "truth can set you free"...Peace and prayers....


M -12 Years
1 9 y son (w/me)
S-Nov 2009 (and LOVING it; will NEVER go back!)
D-soon
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: bernita] #2092003
10/20/10 01:32 AM
10/20/10 01:32 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38
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freespirit Offline OP
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freespirit  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38
Originally Posted By: bernita
freespirit,I have ordered the Debi Pryde book from Amazon.
Praying it will help you as it did for me...hugs.
Quote:
You are so right about counseling. I still see him once a week, despite H's objections. The counselor has helped me see through the fog of codependency and emotional abuse. I had isolated myself because I was so depressed (and my H kept telling me "I have no friends"), now I am developing friendships again and doing things I love, like playing the piano, again. And I am seeing my relationship with H in a very different light.


Good for you Benita...I sing and write music; just seems that they try to they want to separate us from all whom we love and all we love (music). The Joy of the Lord is your strength...He has made you special and wonderful and what your husband does and says should "mean less to you" each day as you break down the codependency and "see through" the emotional abuse fog...sending hugs and prayers.


M -12 Years
1 9 y son (w/me)
S-Nov 2009 (and LOVING it; will NEVER go back!)
D-soon
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: freespirit] #2095080
10/25/10 04:11 PM
10/25/10 04:11 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,372
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soleil Offline
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soleil  Offline
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Posts: 2,372
Free--not sure if I wrote it on here before but an excellent book to read is called "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.

You should check it out.


Me: 29
Got a ticket to the D concert
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