Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem

[freespirit]

thanks for reading soleil...
No, I don't intend to answer ANY of his emails or talk to him in any way (phone, person or email) about our marriage. ANYTHING I say will only open me for attack; he hears nothing...He can't argue with me when I am not talking and there is absolutely NOTHING that I want to say that I think that he would even hear. I am not wasting my breath. I really think he is "trying to search me out" a bit to see what would bother me. I am not going to tell him; not even give him a hint...

[Bridgestone]

Good plan freespirit
I really undertsand the "not being heard" and what they do "hear" is twisted and manipulated to fit their world view, not what your reality is in the room. Your reality is not allowed.

However, this reality is business, when one is negotiating in business one does not talk about their position until you are at the table with appropriate counsel present.

Wise strategy.

Take care of yourself.
Peace
Bridge

[freespirit]

thanks Bridge; I am sorry to hear that you also have had an abusive spouse; mine is narcissistic/thinks he is perfect and never errors...

He has emailed several more times; realizing that I have cut all communication with him; told him so; WEEKS ago that the meeting A MONTH AGO would be my FINAL attempt and his LAST opportunity. He isn't even acknowledging my request and forging ahead with threatening me to "think about the decisions that affected our marriage" before "the end" comes where he says that he will "not be around".

Having a whole month without trying to get a word in edgewise, exasperating myself in either defense of what I am thinking and feeling to his constant criticism and disrespectful judgements (Harley's love buster from His Needs/Her needs book,confused his site with this one at first) is giving me even more CLARITY on the issue; I am happy without him; that is a SAD realization for me to have FOR him...

He just wears me out to even make a statement; it has been the most DEvaluing and DISrespecting relationship that I have ever HAD to HAVE. Being "married" seems more like a prison sentence as if I have done something BAD to have to ENDURE the suffering of his abuse.(as my H told me I "should")

ARE THERE ANY husband's reading along to get a clue or two as to WHY their WAW walked away?
Albeit, I know some women (and men) who just "don't handle life" and they "run" but does ANYONE see that abuse is not an INvalid reason for leaving the home? Those who abuse, for the most part, don't know it because they are deceived into thinking that they "have done no wrong"...Could I be describing you and your marriage? If so, I might be able to answer some questions if you are brave enough to ask and HEAR the answers that I have found.

Hope this helps another marriage/a man who really wants to learn how to love and NOT lose his wife to his own neglect and ignorance.

[JTJ]

Freespirit,

I was verbally and sadly physically abusive to my wife. She had to drop the sledgehammer on me for me to make the changes necessary in my life. She still wants a divorce which I'm willing to give.

if you go to http://mevac.proboards.com/ you can get support from victims and Recovering abusers and gain valuble information on why he does what he does. You can also look up mevac on google. Mevac stands for men ending verbal abuse and control.

You can not reason with him and change him if he doesn't want to change. He has to be willing to make the journey for himself.

I'm JTJ on Mevac. Good luck and may your healing begin.

Joe

[freespirit]

Freespirit,
I was verbally and sadly physically abusive to my wife. She had to drop the sledgehammer on me for me to make the changes necessary in my life. She still wants a divorce which I'm willing to give.You can not reason with him and change him if he doesn't want to change. He has to be willing to make the journey for himself.I'm JTJ on Mevac. Good luck and may your healing begin.
Joe

Thank you for sharing part of your story with me Joe; I am sure that your family and friends who see the changes in you are really happy that you have made the positive steps to change; even though it appears that reconciliation with your wife is not available.
I have been very hopeful that my husband would "try" to make a few little changes and he has tried nothing and so has succeeded in even less than that. I understand it that he is NOT willing because the "loss is not enough" for him to want to change...I am not waiting for him to change. I am glad that you were able to see through your self-denial and are seeking help and healing...good luck to you...if your wife will not reconcile; you will at least have learned how NOT to try to have relationship with a woman...thanks for website link.
Blessings to you.

[soleil]

"You can not reason with him and change him if he doesn't want to change. He has to be willing to make the journey for himself."

Oh God. This is so true.

[Butterfly1]

*****Hi Darling: No matter how many people you distort facts with, lie to, or get on your side to gang up against me to get me to change....( I will not) -- I would not have understood the kind of mental problems you suffer from with that causes your distortion of facts that have made me into some sort of horrible enemy. You claim I have been verbally and emotionally abusive toward you. You alienated me from all our mutual friends by telling them distorted facts and lies that suited your purpose. I've patiently suffered this sort of behavior from you for eleven years, with only occasional complaints and arguments, of which you say, are abusive toward you. You have stopped all communications with me. I'm sending you this email to let you know where things are heading because I am still the dutiful husband. On November 28th, 2010 that is due to change. I will leave this state of limbo I have given you as a grace period and I will begin to make decisions that affect my life -- even if those decisions may affect you negatively.
Your anger has driven you to alienate everyone from your life who could or would help you. If you continue in your current path and become ship wrecked -- I won't be there after November 28th, and the way back will become more and more impossible as time passes.*****

GOOD LORD! My abusive husband could have wrote this! Word for word! Do they have some school for emotional abusers where they get lessons on this? Jeez.

I can offer a few things...try www.verbalabuse.com - they have a board as well.
Also try http://www.narcissismdailymirror.com/2010/01/verbal-abuse.html

Joe - if you read this (sorry for a little hijack) - how exactly did your wife bring the hammer down on you? I'm thinking of doing the same thing after being a doormat for far too long....thx.

[JTJ]

Hope4luv,

She told me she was done. No more intimacy, physical touch. Mevac is modeled somewhat after Patricia Evans verbal abuse. The key is to make it clear that you will no longer take this. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans is a great read. It may be difficult because every emotion it will bring to the surface but you will be able to put a plan in place.

As an abuser as weird as this may sound I wasn't aware that I was being abusive and manipulative verbally. I thought I was ok and normal. An abusive partner doesn't see their behaviors as problematic and typically out in public abusers are really well behaved around others. Its only around you, the object of their affection their "teddy bear" do they exercise their control. You have to break that connection.

On verbal abusers there are 30,000 survivors. On Mevac there are around 30 Recovering abusers. You can hope but this is about saving you. Your husband will need to make the decision on his own.

I wasn't happy I knew it. I wanted something better.

God Bless.

Pray for my wife Elizabeth.

Joe

[freespirit]

As an abuser as weird as this may sound I wasn't aware that I was being abusive and manipulative verbally. I thought I was ok and normal. An abusive partner doesn't see their behaviors as problematic and typically out in public abusers are really well behaved around others. Its only around you, the object of their affection their "teddy bear" do they exercise their control. You have to break that connection.
Pray for my wife Elizabeth. Joe

Hi Joe, praying for you AND Elizabeth...I guess you are also saying that an abuser; may even become more controlling to "prove their love" for us. I think also that accusing me of being a WAW, he is NOT taking responsibiltiy for his own behavior; deflecting from having to look at himself by focusing all the blame on me. I have not responded to his emails, he has accused me "of not communicating" while he plans to "move on" with giving NO thought to wanting to "sit down and talk about it"...he has NOT offered reconciliation or any plan of correcting his behavior and "making a home" for us. He is too busy "raising his daughter" almost 20, if you ask me, SHE is his teddy and the moment she wants to move out and get away from him, he will want to come back to me. That is NOT acceptable to me. I have walked away and I will stay away as long as I am NOT convinced with overwhelming proof (and I have criteria for myself) of his recovery from being a verbal, emotional and spiritual abuser.

[soleil]

Have you seen a L at all yet, Free?

Oh I have a great book recommendation for you: "Why does he do that?"

Check it out. It's' awesome.