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He wrote in his last email that "he is not the problem" and insists that my walking away (moved out last Nov with child) is what has caused the breakdown in our marriage. HIS ABUSIVE ways (emotional, spiritual, financial) have all but killed my love for him...as a DB quote states: I did not leave HIM but I left the situation that HE caused (in part) and perpetuated (even after my constant pleas to reconcile; he would not!!!)

So I have a husband of nearly 12 years who insists on taking NO responsibility for his behavior toward me; will not "hear me" and I am gone and he is still trying to accuse and name call...I am not responding.


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Hi Freespirit,

I am glad you are away from an abusive relationship, they are toxic and suck the life out of you. I speak from experience.

It sounds as if you are angry and I can certainly understand why.

I hope you can stick around and give advice to LBS who want to know why we leave and what we are looking for.

There is a AWAW in Newcomers (Dodie) that could use some support from those that have been there, done that as she tries to find her path.

I hope that you find peace as you travel yours.

Bridge


Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

http://tinyurl.com/ybqkan8 = Current Thread

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Whether you're a WAS or LBS - abusive mates will blame you entirely. That's what they do to not own their part. It justifies their behavior. It paints them as the victim.

I'm getting out of an abusive relaionship too. Do not listen to what they say - it's all meant to hurt and deny responsibility. It means nothing and certainly is not the full truth.


Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship
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Nice to meet you bridge; nice to be here with you; as far as giving LBS advice; my dear husband has not "heard" what I have said for YEARS...for example. I minister in music (as well as other areas), I sing and write music for the church to worship the Lord...well...isolation was always present with my dh; in 10 years we "left" 5 churches (1st that I was attending when we met; we left 3 times; one church I found and lead worship 2 years, he told me to leave and another small and faithful church where I was in ministry for one year before he "told me to leave" )for no "good" reasons; all because they "do things differently" from him (btw: we haven't found anyone whom he agrees with).

Since separating, I have returned to BOTH the original and latter churches. I have my congregations praying for my husband and our marriage; my husband has REFUSED to counsel with eithr of them and told my Pastor that he "will not take any of his counsel" Now, any LBS reading this might obviously see my husband's disrespect for me; or he might see that my husband has the "right as the man" to "head" over me...with that, I don't have anything to say to an LBS other than if you want to control someone's life; try controlling your own first. My poor husband is so disillusioned due to his own deception; I have tried to talk with him...

Why I left???YEARS of disrespect, dishonor and demeaning and discounting comments and behavior that was so stressful that I STOPPED living a vital life and began to "squeeze myself into his oppressive box" to try to live my life as being MORE pleasing to him...I will NEVER do this again.


Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
Hi Freespirit,
I am glad you are away from an abusive relationship, they are toxic and suck the life out of you. I speak from experience.

It sounds as if you are angry and I can certainly understand why.
I hope you can stick around and give advice to LBS who want to know why we leave and what we are looking for.

There is a AWAW in Newcomers (Dodie) that could use some support from those that have been there, done that as she tries to find her path.

I hope that you find peace as you travel yours.

Bridge


M -12 Years
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Hi Hope4luv: hugs to you...That is the one things that is SO hard to realize; that it is ABUSE because we certainly "don't want to" see them that way. My husband has NOT taken any responsibility for his past abuse; he still rages and that is why I will not even talk to him; to be confronted with his unresolved anger is aimed toward me; he needs a counselor.(and has always accused ME of not taking responsibility for my behavior; PROJECTION runs rampant; what he calls me; he actually is.)

LACK OF HUMILITY is another symptom of abusive behavior; it seems that LBS may not recognize that they are lacking if they are the "religious abuse" sort of man "who rules his household" with an iron fist...mine tried. I left. (not quite that simple but I think it gets the point across)...


M -12 Years
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Originally Posted By: freespirit
So I have a husband of nearly 12 years who insists on taking NO responsibility for his behavior toward me; will not "hear me" and I am gone and he is still trying to accuse and name call...I am not responding.


Abusers never think they are wrong or at fault and consider themselves completely blameless. My H still pulls this crap. It's so ridiculous it's almost laughable. When he threw my stuff away he told me "you made me do that."

Really? How? I wasn't even there when he did it!

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That was the hardest part for me; coming to understand that it was abuse but not "intentional" in ways and the conflict that this brought caused confusion and frustration...

I was given a book by Revive our Hearts (Nancy Leigh DeMoss) called:
(The biblical perspective on)
What to do when you are abused by your husband D.Pryde and R. Needham

This book has helped me though my husband is contacting me asking me "if I am done trying to manipulate him"...I am concerned that he will file for divorce and use it to take my son from my custody though we are "shared parenting" right now since he is working nights....thanks for your thoughts.


Last edited by freespirit; 09/17/10 05:43 AM.

M -12 Years
1 9 y son (w/me)
S-Nov 2009 (and LOVING it; will NEVER go back!)
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Have you seen a L? You should definitely be doing that, especially if he he threatening those sorts of things.

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I think I am going to have to get a L soon; for child care reasons...here is an excerpts from an email from my "h".

*****Hi Darling: No matter how many people you distort facts with, lie to, or get on your side to gang up against me to get me to change....( I will not) -- I would not have understood the kind of mental problems you suffer from with that causes your distortion of facts that have made me into some sort of horrible enemy. You claim I have been verbally and emotionally abusive toward you. You alienated me from all our mutual friends by telling them distorted facts and lies that suited your purpose. I've patiently suffered this sort of behavior from you for eleven years, with only occasional complaints and arguments, of which you say, are abusive toward you. You have stopped all communications with me. I'm sending you this email to let you know where things are heading because I am still the dutiful husband. On November 28th, 2010 that is due to change. I will leave this state of limbo I have given you as a grace period and I will begin to make decisions that affect my life -- even if those decisions may affect you negatively.
Your anger has driven you to alienate everyone from your life who could or would help you. If you continue in your current path and become ship wrecked -- I won't be there after November 28th, and the way back will become more and more impossible as time passes.*****

He appears to be loving and gracious and what he is doing is "trying to let go" of his responsibilities to me and dyny all of his past (and current as you can see)behavior and how I have BEGGED him for YEARS to get counseling and for us to counsel about how to reconcile; there has been NO talk of reconciling. He accuses and blames me for HIS failure to honor me as his wife and "Live life" with me with respect.

I am glad that he is making the decision to go on...I have NOT given him any false hopes. I have told him that I would ONLY talk with him in the presence of two trusted Pastors and he REFUSED. He chose NOT to counsel and reconcile.


M -12 Years
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S-Nov 2009 (and LOVING it; will NEVER go back!)
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Did you write him back? My advice is that if you do, do not attack him, do not blame him, do not be mean/rude, etc. Keep it short and sweet.

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