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I have a relationship related question... This is a scenario that pops up every now and then and I'm always confused on what to do.

H and me are having a good conversation and suddenly there's a small misunderstanding. Sometimes it will get cleared up and we move on. But sometimes it just makes the bubble burst completely, especially when we're talking about some things that make H vulnerable. I explain that I didn't mean what he thought I did but the moment is sort of gone.

To explain better: today I tried to understand how he felt about a certain thing and he said something that confused me. I said "To me it feels like you ...... Is that is or am I understanding it wrong?" and he told me not to put words in his mouth. I explained that I didn't mean to and just wanted to understand, but it didn't convince him. I asked if I could ask him something and he said that this conversation was over. Then I said something on a different topic but he dismissed me.

In that moment I want to either explain my position over and over until he sees that my intentions were good or just start a different conversation to clear the bad aftertaste. But the first one clearly won't work and the second one is not really happening either. So I just drop the conversation altogether, but it leaves me unsettled.

Is it normal that sometimes moments like that just will happen and it's best to leave them to blow over? Am I trying to be too controlling of it? Is it me being a pleaser and trying to smooth things over? Or are dead ends like this bad and should be fixed?


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I get your intent the delivery needs tweaking.

Most people don't like to hear mind-reading:

Quote:
"To me it feels like you ......


"I don't think I understand, tell me another way."

"What I hear you saying is..."

"Tell it to me like I am a 3rd grader."

Use "I" statements not "you" statements.


Quote:
I asked if I could ask him something and he said that this conversation was over. Then I said something on a different topic but he dismissed me.


OK, that is his problem, he's passive-aggressive.

"When you dismiss me like that I feel _______________. In the future I would appreciate it if we could continue having a dialouge. This is hurting our relationship."

Let him know what behavior is unacceptable to you ("I").


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Ris, I find myself in this situation occasionally as well. I will try to paraphrase something she just said: "so, just want to make sure I understand. Are you saying x or did you mean y?" Then she will accuse me of trying to analyze her.

I am not sure what to do in these situations either. I usually just let it go and try again another day.

I think your husband is just putting his defenses up because the topic is getting uncomfortable. I don't know . . . I am certainly not an expert. Just trying to find my way like everyone else here.


Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids
Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation
Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled
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Quote:
Then she will accuse me of trying to analyze her.


mind-reading

"I am not trying to analyze you, I said I was trying to understand. I meant what I said."


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Originally Posted By: Coach

"When you dismiss me like that I feel _______________. In the future I would appreciate it if we could continue having a dialouge. This is hurting our relationship."

Let him know what behavior is unacceptable to you ("I").


Oooohhhh... this is verrry good. Thanks Coach, I'm putting that one in my diary. And thanks to you too, ris for asking such great questions! It helps us all!


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I have this issue with H also. The other day when he was on a rant I said 'I understand your perspective' even though I completely disagreed. That wasn't good enough for him and he escalated a bit so I said 'I'm not going to allow you to yell at me' and walked away. This patter continued for a couple of days.

When he's calm I have better success with the "boundary" language. The hard part for me is something might trigger a rant that seems completely innocuous. I've learned to shut up and let the mood pass because trying to explain what I meant or clarify only gets more ranting.


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Quote:
That wasn't good enough for him and he escalated a bit so I said 'I'm not going to allow you to yell at me' and walked away. This patter continued for a couple of days.


"why do you think you need to yell at me for me to hear you? If you are frustrated about something then tell me?"

If he talks don't get defensive, he doesn't feel like you hear him. The yelling is his way of trying to control things.



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Quote:
"why do you think you need to yell at me for me to hear you? If you are frustrated about something then tell me?"

If he talks don't get defensive, he doesn't feel like you hear him. The yelling is his way of trying to control things.


Okay, I'll try to remember that. My mechanism for when I'm feeilng threatened is to flee. I'll try to address the situation instead. I've just found times where I simply cannot get through to him and it's better to let him cool down. In early years, he knocked things over, did silent treatment for weeks, name called, screamed. That is all mostly gone. In some respects we've made great strides in communicating with each other, in other respects we still have a ways to go.


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Interesting. Thanks -


He: WAH
Me: LBW
Precious: DD

~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
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