I just don't think it's helpful. Not any more helpful than reading the horoscopes column to try to figure things out.
We all have a host of 'traits' that--if we put ourselves under a microscope of insecure introspection while armed with a few books on psychology and little experience dealing with people who are suffering serious problems--we would wind up diagnosing ourselves with all sorts of weirdness.
I don't think it is productive.
Communication, intimacy, etc might be productive.
Finding one's own happiness with one's self might be productive.
How do we communicate? Actions, gestures, expressions, language, touch.
How do we become happy?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I think I'd agree with TimeHeals that we all have negative traits, based on our upbringings, and that these can be triggered by current events. If we lack self-awareness, we assume that someone in our present lives is "making" us feel that old familiar feeling. Once we gain that self-awareness, we recognize that our former experience (say, of feeling abandonment) is meshing with our present feelings, and are able to separate the two, which diminishes the strength of the feeling. It's all a part of growing up, learning about ourselves, taking responsibility for our emotions, and becoming able to communicate within a couple.
So, your H may have those feelings of abandonment and entitlement that you describe. However, that's not your issue--it's his to learn to acknowledge and move past. You will never be able to change negative thinking patterns that aren't working for him, obviously.
You say your C identified these negative traits ... has your H had counselling? Did it help him at all? You say you've read Passionate Marriage. That's great, because it means you have an understanding of what is required to make a healthy marriage. Do you feel your H is capable of making changes? You describe having done various 180s, and being the one who tried to manage the SSM problem. Do you believe he's capable of being the supportive partner that you need? If not, do the times he's fine compensate for the other times?
I'm sorry there are problems with the pregnancy. That must be extremely stressful, on top of everything else. Please take good care of yourself today.
The problem may not be so much that your husband is very HD but that he takes your rejection very personally. He sees it not as a problem of you lacking desire but as your lacking desire for him.
I think there is a lot of truth to that. I'm also an HD husband, and I was angry at first when my wife's libido vanished over the years. I took it personally as a judgement about me. Now that I realize it's just who she is now, I don't take it as "rejection". I just see it as problem instead of a rejection. So I feel frustration about the problem, but not anger towards her.
It's been several years since I read PM. I read his more recent book a year or so ago and liked that one a little better. I will check them out.
It does help to hear how the HD brain might view things.
RIght now I am still reeling from recent events and his abandonment at this time. He chose a lousy time to withdraw, especially after we'd had a period of such closeness.
When we get through this, I do plan on reading more about boundaries and codependency. I think everyone must be codependent to some extent - but again it's just a label for a wide range of behaviors. I try to read to understand what may be happening. Knowledge helps.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
I think you're probably right, that most people do enter adulthood with some level of codependent instincts. So many childhoods do set us up for that. The good news is that it is possible finally to "grow up" and shed the codependence--and the fact you're eager to read about the subject indicates your willingness to take the next step.
The bad news is, it hurts to grow. However, it's an issue that pretty much every person on this site has dealt with or is dealing with. Most come here codependently desperate to save their marriages at any cost. Over time they learn to save themselves, in the process shedding the codependence. Sometimes, that growth inspires their spouses to move forward in their own journeys, and the marriage is saved.
As you say, knowledge helps. So does some compassion in a difficult time--do you have a network of friends or family to turn to?
Nothing wrong being co-dependant in a healthy marriage or relationship... That means you depend on each other.
In these dysfunctional configurations due to one straying we have to be independant because the WAS is not going to meet any/most of our needs, or their obligations they initially did.
Just wanted to point out that "co-dependance" is NOT a problem in a good relationship where one hand washes the other.
Just wanted to point out that "co-dependance" is NOT a problem in a good relationship where one hand washes the other.
Ya reckon?
From quick wikipedia search: Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life.
It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.
Codependency describes behavior, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or care taking. For example parenting is a role that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child's needs a high priority, although a parent could nevertheless still be codependent towards their own children if the care taking or parental sacrifice reached unhealthy or destructive levels.
Codependency does not refer to all caring behavior or feelings, but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree.
Codependency is never OK on this life journey. You can't have a "healthy" marriage if one or both of you is coodependent. In a relationship we are two individuals living as a team - not two individuals settling for less than our optimal life outcomes so we can caretake or control each other.
We are born alone and we die alone. Somewhere along the path, we need to learn to be alone and to look after and love ourselves rather than trying to get that sense of belonging and fulfilment from our marriage partner.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Just wanted to point out that "co-dependance" is NOT a problem in a good relationship where one hand washes the other.
Ya reckon?
From quick wikipedia search: Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life.
It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.
Codependency describes behavior, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or care taking. For example parenting is a role that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child's needs a high priority, although a parent could nevertheless still be codependent towards their own children if the care taking or parental sacrifice reached unhealthy or destructive levels.
Codependency does not refer to all caring behavior or feelings, but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree.
Codependency is never OK on this life journey. You can't have a "healthy" marriage if one or both of you is coodependent. In a relationship we are two individuals living as a team - not two individuals settling for less than our optimal life outcomes so we can caretake or control each other.
We are born alone and we die alone. Somewhere along the path, we need to learn to be alone and to look after and love ourselves rather than trying to get that sense of belonging and fulfilment from our marriage partner.
So the definition of co-dependancy is not what I meant.
You used the word "team", and that is what I was meaning. We depend on each other, and we are in this union because we want to be. We believe it is an asset for us to be closely paired and bonded together.
At times I will put my partners needs above my own, because I know at times they also do this for me.
This is what most of us would believe is ideal.
What we are forced to do in a LBS/WAS situation, is to fall back into a single person relationship format where each person completely fends for themself, they are completely independant of each other, and even have to defend against each other perhaps more than even a complete stranger.
My opinion is also of the form that the maritial partner should tend to validate you, than to invalidate you. I don't think there is nothing wrong with looking to the maritial partner for a "positive mirror", especially if you are doing well.
silverado - thank you for your prayers. I am feeling better physically until evening and then I become uncomfortable. Nothing has happened yet and I'm terrified it will all happen at once in public.
H has backed off his ranting for the most part, but I still don't know where our M will land.
thanks again. I appreciate it.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
