Here's a story...of a very sad lady

[Dagny-2]

H had some time with the boys last night, we met at the HS for open house and there was an hour before the next event. I was very pleasant at the HS and when there was talk of dinner I suggested he take the boys and I would meet them back in an hour. H liked that idea and even this morning called and asked me what the boys said about dinner. Not sure what that is about. Apparently S13 told him he didn't miss him, but later gave him hugs and said he missed him.

H asked about Labor Day, I told him what I thought, isn't what he thinks, so he got mad at me. He brought it up again this morning and we got into it again. I'm not sure what to do there. I think he is breaking a promise to his children, he doesn't see it that way, and I know he'll do what he wants, but I don't want to not state what I think. So confusing.

After we ended our nasty call this morning (he called me), I thought about it and called and left a message stating I didn't want our exchanges to always be beligerent, said this is stressful for both of us. He called me back and thanked me for my voicemail. He plans to stop at one of the boy's soccer games this weekend, but that is it, because he has other committments.

I'm trying not to call/text/email. His attitude each time he talks with me is to reinforce there is no more 4 of us. Do I validate that? Though it goes against my every wish for a future, but if I'm truly setting him free (to choke on his freedom), do I stop trying to make him live up to promises with the boys?

[mishka422]

You can't make him live up to anything Dagny. He either does or he doesn't and lives with the consequences. If he breaks the boys heart, they learn from that and so does he. It's an unfortunate fact of A's and D. A person involved in an A will do anything to give life to that R at any expense....it's all about them and their needs and wants and selfishness.

So, that is the long answer to....let him choke on it!

Now.......back to you....what are you planning to do for yourself? Choose one small step and take it. Even if it's something as small as going out for an evening of coffee and magaine perusal at your local bookstore....do it. Do something for yourself as often as possible. Self-care is of the utmost importance right now.

[Dagny-2]

This is so very hard, the mix of emotions, of blaming myself for not meeting his needs and blaming him for not being a man and telling me he needed something. To sit alone all weekend while he is with his girlfriend, dating and doing that fun stuff.

I saw him for one of S13's soccer game. We sat next to each other, didn't say too much, didn't want to say too much to him.

I have made one friend, my S11 has a new best friend, and their dad is in Iraq, so I spent the afternoon with the family (they invited my kids for an outing and I invited myself along), we had dinner and one child went for a sleepover, I couldn't bear to have both kids go. And I spent $100 at amazon for surviving divorce type books. I charged it to my H's credit card. He is spending a fortune on his 2 bedroom love nest, I can get some books. I've kept with the no contact, though it is what I want to do most. Still no GAL goals, though new friend and I talked about checking out the Y together next week. I'm not very good at the self-care stuff, I always seem to put the kids or H in front of me these last years.

I need to hear over and over that it is all about him, to have no expectations, but watching my children get more attached to this area when the likelihood is that we will have to leave is another heart-wrenching act.

Dagny

[pinhead]

Dagny,

I think you'll find that getting some exercise and even the smallest of GAL goals will help you tremendously.

Hang in there, I know the weekends can be brutal. Love your kids, find ways to love yourself.

[john28]

One of the easiest goals to set (which I have) is to enter a run race by the end of the month.

Whatever you want - 1 mile, 5k, 10k. Doesn't matter. You'll push yourself not to disappoint yourself working up to the race. It's only 1 month! And only $20-$40!

Ask your kids to be there to cheer you on. They'll be thrilled to see mom in a race, a change of pace! No matter what they'll be proud of you.

It takes roughly two weeks for a new habit to stick, at least for me. After that, if you stay with it another 4 weeks it becomes routine. Just start running 4-5 times a week, it's easy to do it, just wake up 30 minutes earlier. You can even do these runs on the day your kids aren't with you.

Personally, I'm entering a 5k. I ran ~5:35 miles 10 years ago. I haven't run since. I'm broke the 6:00 barrier after just two weeks.

[MM78]

Dagny. I'm on my phone and it's hard to type but I take back the lawyer rec a few pages back. Talked to a lawyer friend in hometown and no longer rec her. Just wanted to let you know.

[Dagny-2]

S11 says he wants to do a 5k with me, be nice if it was a family affair, the 3 of us, establish and accomplish a goal together. I will set the alarm just a bit earlier and get 20 minutes of exercise in the morning.

Went to church and CCD with the boys, sat by the river during CCD and read a book. Felt very sad and lonely, but picked myself up before time to get kids. Went to S13 soccer game and H was there. We sat and watched. H made sure to get a dig in to make sure I'm getting it that he is pulling away from us, he is going to switch his drivers license to TN, he was keeping it PA and had planned on that. I just nodded at the comment and didn't say a word. We left and I didn't linger during good-byes. S11 said he missed Daddy, and I just said it is his choice. He says, that is what you always say. Am I saying the wrong thing? I didn't feel I'm being nasty, just matter-of-fact. I haven't said a bad thing about him in front of the kids, just the statement that this is what he is choosing.

I so want to call and chat with him, have our phone conversations of old, like we usually did on Sundays when we were apart. I'm really not sue this letting go is going to work, since we've lived in 2 states and he only saw us every other weekend during the summer, how is this so different? He was with his girlfriend all the time before and now he is still with her.

Dagny

[Dagny-2]

The loneliness is overwhelming. I did break down and call yesterday, but he didn't answer. Never called back, so I didn't have to make up an excuse. Though it could have been a S that called, he didn't call to say good-night until late that evening. S said he didn't want to talk to me. Same routine this morning. God it hurts.

I read on someone's thread to make it safe for H to talk to me. That made a lot of sense, if he is going to want to talk to me, those times we talk, I need to provide an atmosphere that is pleasant. But if we never talk, how will this happen? 106 days until Christmas Break. Then I will have to make a decsion to stay here or move back to PA. And why in the world do I want a H back that has lied to me, is having an affair, and wants his kids to live 12 hours away from him? Why?

Dagny

[pinhead]

The loneliness is overwhelming. I did break down and call yesterday, but he didn't answer. Never called back, so I didn't have to make up an excuse. Though it could have been a S that called, he didn't call to say good-night until late that evening. S said he didn't want to talk to me. Same routine this morning. God it hurts.

I read on someone's thread to make it safe for H to talk to me. That made a lot of sense, if he is going to want to talk to me, those times we talk, I need to provide an atmosphere that is pleasant. But if we never talk, how will this happen? 106 days until Christmas Break. Then I will have to make a decsion to stay here or move back to PA. And why in the world do I want a H back that has lied to me, is having an affair, and wants his kids to live 12 hours away from him? Why?

Dagny

Keep that question in mind everytime you get the urge to call him.

[mishka422]

(((((Dagny)))))))

That is a good question, but not an easy one to answer. I learned an exercise from my C that helps me answer these sorts of questions (those that are deeply emotional)

1. Meditate on this - Pretend you are your best friend (not yourself as your best friend, really visualize that you are her)

2. She has told you what her H has done, is doing, and how it is hurting her children.

3. You are an outsider to the situation but you have an emotional connection to her. What advice would you give her?
What are your reasons behind the advice. The advice must be specific, not driven by emotion but by common sense and a desire to protect.

4. Follow that advice for yourself.

It takes some time to wrap your head around it because your heart will keep getting in the way but once you do you will be better able to cope with an emotional decision in a rational manner.

Every bit of this hurts your kids but it is ripping you apart. How is that good for your kids? They need you to be their stable, loving, support system. They now understand that H can not be counted on. You don't want them to develop that feeling toward you so be most concerned with your own wellbeing right now and the kids will follow.

Love the idea of a 5K. I walked one (I can't run because of bad knee problems) in May and it was loads of fun. I'm hoping to do another one in October if the stupid Plantar Fasciitis in my right foot ever clears up.