I am wondering about how to detach when you both live in the same house. My wife has been leaving the house without telling me where she is going at first. She now has started to tell me where she was when she returns. I have pretty much been doing my own thing and not telling her what I am doing unless asked. The big question for me is how do I know when she will be ready to resume this relationship if ever. We travelled the legal road for divorce but could not agree on a separation agreement. My lawyer suggested waiting 6 months as there was too much anger on all our parts. My wife starts her class in a week. This will no doubt stress her out. I have changed my job so that I work one week and am off one week. I did this for 2 reasons. One, my wife in the past felt I was a workoholic and the second was to be available for my 15 yo daughter whenshe is in class. I have noted that there is less anger on her part but she is very unpredictable. I wonder how long this will take to improve? Am I just wasting my time and should I just move on? Bobby O
Bobby, Go up to the top of the this page and click on new reply to start a thread of your own.
We would like to answer you questions. Seeking has asked you twice to start your own thread. Cadet left you instructions on your thread in newcomers on how to do it.
Please do that for us and we will be more than happy to answer your questions.
I hope I did this correctly and if I have not please let me know and will try again. I want to say that I appreciate everyone being so kind. It makes me feel better that I am not the only one out here who hurts. I wish I can fast forward and see if my wife and I will be a couple again. There are so many open ended questions in my mind and I guess timw will bare it out. Have there been any success stories and what was the main ingredient to make that happen other than time. What is the average amount of time that this lasts for? If my wife is still in the house; is this better vs her living separate? Is there anything more I should or could do? Bobby O
I know that everyone has their own journey with MLC and that they are all different but I was curious to understand people's experiences with the "awakening" event. Is it just a single "ah ha" moment or is it a gradual thing like everything else seems to be?
Could anyone share their personal experiences with their or their spouses "awakening"?
Thanks!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Normally reconnection would be animals and things, children and lastly you. This may start with the animals during the end of replay and progress from there.
I would say that it is a gradual thing as nothing in MLC is fast. If you are waiting for an aha moment maybe when they break withdrawal, but nothing is set in stone and they will still be processing.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/18/1004:32 PM. Reason: spelling
In my H's case, the "awakening" came after he'd been in Replay for almost 2 years. I became very upset about his increasing contact with his EA partner, and for the first time he was able to "hear" me, to admit that he'd felt terrible guilt about the secret meetings, etc, and that they were more than "just friends."
It was as though he was suddenly able to access a part of his brain that had been suppressed for years. However, some days he'd feel as though he wanted to get closer to me and end the EA, and other days the fogged-out part of his brain would be in control ("What exactly is wrong with my friendship anyway?"). He'd quite abruptly switch from one way of thinking to another. He began to want to confide in me again, and to have sex (it wasn't like ML), but everything was still almost completely from his perspective.
After this Awakening he broke up with his EA, which precipitated a deep depression and withdrawal from me and the children. He secretly resumed their relationship. He wrestled with whether he should leave us and move to her city. He also started to have many dreams every night, may of which indicated he was starting to work on his childhood issues. He cycled more and more rapidly, sometimes starting to walk towards me for a hug and changing his mind before he had taken 3 steps.
We began counselling when he decided he would never be able to regain his love for me now that he'd met another. After an initial meeting, the counsellor worked exclusively with him for several months, teaching him how to access his "mature" brain rather than his teenaged one. Very, very slowly, he began to become more human and less alien, though it was about 7 1/2 months from the awakening until he decided to work on our marriage and end the EA. Even then, it was another 7 months until he stopped mourning her loss in his life, and another half a year or more before he was able to process what he'd done and accept responsibility for it--and, more importantly, to forgive himself.
So, yes, as you probably suspected, it was a very slow process. Yet I believe it needed to be, to make all the changes effective. And, of course, the process probably looks a bit different for each person.
I'd be interested in hearing about more "awakening" moments. HB positions the awakening during the end of Replay, which must mean that the LBS is rarely privy to much information about it, however.
XW sent me an e-mail this past Saturday that she would be buying the Caroling franchise that we have both caroled for the last 10 years (with the divorce settlement). She is also moving back without OM but they will continue a long distance relationship according to D21. I have updated my original sitch with all the details if you want to follow the link below.
I talked to XW for the first time in 3 months on the phone to congratulate her and tell her that I am still planning on caroling this year. Even though XW will now be my boss I don't really mind because I love/enjoy doing it!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
