Interested in the MLC perspective

[Ken62]

Hi Everyone,

I have been D from my W for a few months and I have been doing more reading up on MLC. My sitch is contained in one thread that is in my sig.

I believe that my XW is in Replay and living with OM but I just wanted to see if any MLC folks had any insight into my sitch.

Some of the things are classic MLC (her quote to my D about "When do I get to start living my life?") while others don't appear to be. The fact that she really pushed the D and went through with it doesn't seem like a true MLC to me but maybe I'm wrong.

Thanks for any and all comments either here or in my sitch.

[Cyrena]

I feel I have a fairly good grip on what a male MLC looks like, but I believe it's different for women--others could chime in on this. Certainly the line/desperate feeling about needing to start living her life is an MLC staple.

I read the first long entry in your sitch, but it seemed to be more about your state than your wife's (and rightly so). Some MLCers push for a divorce, others are too depressed to do more than talk about it.

The clearest indicator of whether she's in crisis would be, did she have a dysfunctional childhood which left her unable to complete the entire process of growing up during her adolescence? Was there a traumatic event--a death, a health scare--which precipitated the changes in her? Did she, fairly suddenly, begin showing symptoms of depression (while desperately masking them)?

Many of the symptoms of MLC and a run-of-the-mill affair are similar. I guess the important question is, how would it benefit you to know the answer to your question? What insight are you hoping to gain? It would be worth considering your answer in detail.

Best of luck!

[LanceSijan]

Ken,

Cyrena gave you a good overview of MLC.

We usually say that Confusion = MLC.

Depression, hormones, childhood issues, a trigger event like a death/sickness of someone close to her are all parts of a MLC. There can be ones with high energy and low energy.

Have you read any of the MLC resources?

I see she is with the OM. Did she marry him or are they just living together. Are you still standing for your wife?

Cyrena's question is a good one. There are no quick fixes here. The only thing that will cure this is TIME. Is that something that you have, or are you in a hurry?

Power is knowledge.

[Ken62]

Thanks Cyrena,

There are several factors in my XWs childhood that could have led to it. She was the fourth sibling in her family and only 2 when her parents D. She was then with her dad until her mom was able to get her back and by then she was either 7 or 9. She tried to connect with her mom but it was as if her mom had checked out and she never could connect with her growing up. She later was abused sexually by her older brother and her step dad as well as others so all of these things certainly contributed to her being unable to complete the entire process of growing up during her adolescence.

To answer your other question, I would just like to understand more of what my XW is going through. We don't communicate much if at all and I'm certainly living my life and leaving her alone to live hers. I'm in IC but she is not as far as I know because I'm still the bad guy and everything is still my fault.

[Ken62]

Thanks LanceSijan,

I have been reading quite a bit of the resources which is why I posted here. Several of the things I read are exactly things that we went through. The actual trigger event in our life was possibly our youngest daughter getting ready to graduate from High School and head to college (Empty Nest Syndrome).

She is currently just living with OM 1000 miles away and is getting ready to move back here and get an apartment but I'm not sure if OM is coming with her or not at this point.

As far as standing for my wife, that is a good question. I'm not 100% sure of the definition of standing. We are D and I am GAL and meeting people and going to possibly date other people. I am also looking into the anullment process because that is something my XW said that she wanted but in talking to my IC, she and I have come to the conclusion that it would be good for me also to have the M anulled.

I know that it is going to take TIME and I am not in any hurry but I am also not going to stop living my life and moving forward with my life.

Hope that makes sense.

[LanceSijan]

Ken

A divorce is only a piece of paper. There is a legal divorce and an emotional divorce. By standing, I gues I am saying that you are leaving the door open for a possible reconciliation someday. Once you get remarried or she gets remarried the door pretty much is shut. Now you can have no expectations here.
There are no guarantees and with a legal divorce your door is halfway shut(or open).

Empty nest can be a factor.

You must keep living your life and making improvements in YOU.
That is the subtitle of this board.
The SELF IMPROVEMENT CHANNEL. LOL.

Well keep reading and learning.
If you need to ask questions, fire away.
Questions are good.

[Cyrena]

I'm always interested in the notion of annulling a marriage, as opposed to divorce. I understand that it is the only way in which a Catholic can re-marry. However, would the message it sends, the way it "erases" a marriage, have an effect on the children of that marriage? Just musing here.

I understand, from my own experience, what a difficult thing sexual abuse, particularly from family members, can be. Also, although counselling can appear to resolve certain issues which later present themselves, it's impossible to know when new issues are going to pop up, down the line, and initially difficult to realize that they are connected to the incest. However, it's better for your W (and children) if she does finally deal with her past, and having an MLC does give a person the chance to do her growing up, agonizing though it is.

You don't exactly answer WHY you would like to understand what your W is going through--which is fine, maybe you don't really know yet. If it's in order to develop your compassion and forgiveness (as opposed to being able to label her rejection of you as entirely "her" problem), then I think you will be able to learn a lot from the contributors here.

As Lance has pointed out, the most important thing you can do is to keep learning, growing, and improving yourself.

[Ken62]

Unfortunately, that is the biggest misconception when it comes to anullment. Anullment of the marriage just means that the marriage was NOT a valid sacrament in the Catholic church. It was still a marriage and the children are still legitimate it just was NOT a sacrament. In our case it would be because we withheld the fact from the Catholic church that my XW was pregnant.

Sorry I didn't answer the Why but you are right, I do want to understand the things that she is going through so that I don't feel bitterness and anger toward her. I take the blame for several things that went wrong within our marriage and have worked on myself through reading and learning and IC to help me with tose things. I believe I have forgiven her for what she has done to me and the kids and it will be a long journey for all of us.

Thanks again!

[Cyrena]

Interesting about how your own lack of disclosure is a grounds for annulment. In all the other cases I've known, there was no pre-marriage reason for annulment, just the behaviour which led to the divorce.

Congratulations on all the hard work you've done on yourself. If your wife is in MLC, I feel that even the agony the LBS goes through cannot compare to the sense of dissolution of identity and despair (and, later, guilt) of the MLCer, and I'm glad you're prepared to learn how to feel deeper compassion for her.

[Ken62]

So I was wondering if the blaming everything on the LBS and the feeling like a victim and the selfishness and feeling of entitlement is all through the Replay stage?

Her current OM is actually her second (as best I know first was an EA and the current was an EA that turned into a PA (both through Facebook )) and both are from her High School/College days. I'm assuming that this is very common also in MLC? To return to people from that time in your life that you are trying to get back to? She also started LOVING the oldies station after we separated.

It just breaks my heart that my XW's relationship with my kids has taken such a hard hit from all of this and may never be back to what it was because of this.