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I have gotten very good at stiring emotions just enough, then the truth comes out...Then I shut up and listen...


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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When you get to the emotions it creates a connection. It makes people feel like the other person "sees" them, they feel appreciated and supported. It says to them "you matter to me." That changes how the other person thinks about you when you create that emotional connection. That creates and stirs the attraction chemicals. Be catnip.


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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I guess I am one of those that thought I had let go. Then she starts calling me for no reason, telling me shes comming home, tells the kids things knowing they'll tell me (what she is doing, where she is going) which she hasn't done for quite some time and was one of her issues with me and all those feelings come back. I don't let them show and continue down my path but when she's gone and I'm alone that stuff starts creeping beck in.

I've heard of the script alot from reading and re-reading but I may be too covered up in my own sitch to see the pattern.

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Coach,
Those are GREAT tangible things to do. That helps A LOT! X-mas items, photos, and heck, even dishes...now I can see many more things!

Out with the old...in with the new! Sort of speak. My new life is waiting and I have to shed the old. Can't be draggin' our heels now can we?


Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21
Bomb June 18, 2010
I filed D July 20, 2010
W filed counter suit Aug 2
Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
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I love this! Thank you! This is what we need. I'm new here and don't have a lot of time to read through all the threads, so this is really great.

My question is about the kids. This week was supposed to be "his week" with them, but I have had them for most of it so far. I have them this weekend, then they are going to stay with the grandparents for a few days, then I have them again for a family trip up north. What do I do? I mean, he's the WAH and he's just loving this because he gets to sleep in, eat what he wants when he wants, read books, and just do what he wants. He's off work this week and won't see the kids for the next two weeks, so I thought he would want to spend a lot of time with them, but he doesn't.

I can't let them suffer, so do I just suck it up and do what I can with them and for them?

Thanks.


Me: 34
H: 34
S: 8
D: 5
M: 10 yrs
T: 12 yrs
Affair: 7-1-10 (lasted 2 months, I caught him by reading emails, there was no sign of stopping until I caught him)
S: 7-16-10
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Originally Posted By: Greek
Quote:
It's also attractive when you are paying attention, listening and are tuned in. The dynamics change very quickly. Know your situation and become aware. Aware of the vibe you are projecting, their feelings, what they really are saying and your responses back. It's not glib, it needs to be sincere but without expectation - that's confidence. Something that projects a little confidence too is keeping your sense of humor.


Truth.
Greek


I'm confused about how to balance all the different advice.

Just be gone.

Stop talking to your wife, you seem to go backwards every time you do.

So I have spent more time away from the house and not talking to her. Now I will be moving. now I am reading to pay attention, listen and tune in.

How do I balance all this?

Sometimes I feel like I have dropped the rope, but lots of times I don't either. I know I don't validate like I should, somehow I always end-up defending myself instead because I am being attacked.

I've tried to follow links of guys that are slightly ahead of me in the process, but things are never exactly the same and we sometimes leap-frog each other.

I just don't know anymore. All I get from her is cold. We did get into it a bit after our court date last week Tuesday. We talked for quite a while in the middle of the afternoon when my brother was at my house. It wasn't very productive. We never seem to have time alone anymore because the kids stay up so late now that we go to bed just about the same time they do.

I wish there was some easy way for me to know what to do, because I just can't seem to figure it out. And continuing to talk about it seems to make it harder for me to drop the rope completely.

I think it will be much easier once I am out of the house. I won't be talking to her unless it is about transferring the kids or if she bring something up. My understanding is that that is the right way to proceed?

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Originally Posted By: Coach
When you get to the emotions it creates a connection. It makes people feel like the other person "sees" them, they feel appreciated and supported. It says to them "you matter to me." That changes how the other person thinks about you when you create that emotional connection. That creates and stirs the attraction chemicals. Be catnip.


What happens when the emotions you stir up are fear and guilt? Talking about splitting up our possessions makes her very upset. Leading her with finding a place to stay gets her very upset. Do I try and lead her in talking about her emotions? Right now she feels like I'm trying to push her out, but at the same time I don't want to be taking her temperature every evening. I give her a chance to talk to me, but as soon as she knows I'm going to go work out, she shuts down.

Last edited by pinhead; 08/12/10 10:40 AM.
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Quote:
What happens when the emotions you stir up are fear and guilt?


And you are responsible for how someone else feels? It's not your problem.

Quote:
Do I try and lead her in talking about her emotions?


NO! It's pursuing, let her go to feel all her emotions. Trust me when she let's you know how she feels you won't be asking her how she feels.

Quote:
Right now she feels like I'm trying to push her out


Really, you asked for the D? Stop trying to fix it.


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Gah, I must be the dumbest person on this forum!

Here's my thinking:

She's dragging her feet, or at least not moving as fast as I would be if the roles were reversed...(hmm)

If I stir up her emotions by talking about our possessions etc, she'll get agitated. Then I should listen to her? Just validate? That seems pretty manipulative. Trying to control her.

Instead, I think I should just keep my GAL, working out, 180s, and when she wants to talk, listen and validate. Not try to push the separation forward at all, let her go at her own pace. The problem is that this limbo is really hard on me, and on the girls.

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Quote:
Stop talking to your wife, you seem to go backwards every time you do.


Who likes to be talked to?

You lead on the issues.
"Here is what I have decided about the house."
"You can stay on my health insurance until _________ after that you will need to find your own plan."

You listen to her, if she starts going off about not being able to afford _____. Just say, "that's what happens when you get divorced." It's not your problem.

You have to let them go so they can face the brutal reality - family split, miss you, money is tight, face their issues in the M. Let them feel all of it, it's theirs to own. You want your WAS to come back because they decided they want to be with you.

Quote:
somehow I always end-up defending myself instead because I am being attacked.


A woman wants her man to be able to weather her feelings. She needs to feel safe. You are not being attacked - how did you get hurt? If she beat you or verbally abused you then OK, you were attacked. Her feelings are her feelings, that's OK.

Quote:
I wish there was some easy way for me to know what to do, because I just can't seem to figure it out.


When she tells you how she feels just listen. It's not personal. Agree with her feelings, "I can see how you would feel that way. How can I help you with that?" Then listen with all your senses, be in tune with her.


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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