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#2052564 08/08/10 02:15 AM
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About a month ago, I found out my husband was having an affair with a friend of mine. He didn't stop it until about two weeks ago, has moved out, and we are going to therapy. Actually, he is going to therapy. The therapist does not need to see us together again until he figures out if he wants to be married.

He has also had some internet relationships with women from our of our area, which I tried to disregard because we're here and they're where they live. But, once I found out about his affair here, I added those as affairs.

Is it worth it for me to stick it out? He has just also been diagnosed with depression with mood issues, not quite bipolar, but he has some hypomania. He drinks a lot, has taken up smoking, and is quite depressed. I worry, however, that the depression has come from the stress he feels about not wanting to be with me anymore.

We have been married almost 11 years and have two wonderful kids. I have been the same person throughout, and he has acknowledged this.

What should I do?

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I'm trying to give him his space. I'm not checking into what he is doing and when, I try not to call him except when we need to talk about the kids, and I'm not pressuring him to make a decision about us.


Me: 34
H: 34
S: 8
D: 5
M: 10 yrs
T: 12 yrs
Affair: 7-1-10 (lasted 2 months, I caught him by reading emails, there was no sign of stopping until I caught him)
S: 7-16-10
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PG, hang in there, I'll reply to your sitch in the morning after church. Other than being a packer fan, you're doing fine.

God be with you, Pinhead.

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(((PG)))

It might help if you gave us a bit more detail- have you read the DB book? Looked at the site a bit for advice given to others? I have no expertise on A's, but there's a whole forum on infidelity you might want to skim through- post here for now b/c it will get more traffic, but you might find useful advice there.

hang in there!

-A


When the men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go;
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving slow;
Go ask Alice...
I think she'll know.
alice444 #2052656 08/08/10 08:18 AM
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PG - it sounds like your H is in a bad place right now. You need to focus on taking care of you. If you haven't, read Divorce Remedy. THere is a part on affairs. Read threads on here. There are people with experience re affairs.

Schedule a consultation (first one should be free) with a lawyer or two and learn about your rights. It will give you some peace of mind and a feeling of control over the situation. Doesn't mean you have to do anything - just gather knowledge.


He: WAH
Me: LBW
Precious: DD

~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
LRT Land #2052703 08/08/10 02:47 PM
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I just joined and so have not read really much of anything. I'll do some of that today.

Thanks for the advice on DR. I'll have to take a look at it. I know I'm not the only one in this situation, so I'm glad there are boards like this.


Me: 34
H: 34
S: 8
D: 5
M: 10 yrs
T: 12 yrs
Affair: 7-1-10 (lasted 2 months, I caught him by reading emails, there was no sign of stopping until I caught him)
S: 7-16-10
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 2,246
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PG,

Some quick advice while you get your copy of DR. The first is that DR is good, but this board is 100x more valuable. Trust the veterans like Coach, Greek, Sandi2, RobX, Puppy Dog Tails etc. These folks will tell you thinks that you don't want to hear or believe, but their advice will be invaluable. You'll look back in a month and wonder how you would have survived without the great advice (and love) people freely share here.

Next, do these three things:

1. Exercise. Any type, any time. Just give your body a workout to help alleviate the tidal wave of stress you're going to have to swim through.
2. Eat well. Ditch booze (except in moderation), eat healthy stuff so that you can better accomplish your exercise goals, as well as:
3. Sleep. Deep, recuperative sleep is going to become a rare commodity. Try your best to get as much as you can.

pinhead #2052898 08/08/10 10:05 PM
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Hi PG,

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. But you asked if there is hope; there is. However, now is the time to take care of yourself and your children. I agree with seeing a lawyer; find out your rights. Also, read the Divorce Remedy.

Do you have an agreement with him on the custody of the children? Are you getting exercise? Are you seeing a counselor? Are you going to church? How are you doing financially?

How long has your H been depressed? Is he on meds? Is he seeing a pschiatrist? Have you talked to the pschiatrist?

Hang in there. This site is wonderful; you will get a lot of good advice here

Take care,
-T


Me: 36, W: 33, M: 10 yrs
Bomb: 1/09, Seperated: 9/09, Piecing Begins: 10/09

My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=91&page=1
tristan #2052948 08/09/10 12:44 AM
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Hi all. Thanks for the advice. I have been reading a lot on the boards today and feel better.

I am getting exercise, about five times a week. I have a triathlon in two weeks and a half marathon in about six weeks and I don't want to have to skip those.

My husband is being really good with taking the kids. We don't have a financial arrangement as of now. Currently, he is living in a furnished apartment and I'm in the house and we are just keeping our checking account. I was never one to spend a lot of money, so I'm just keeping to our usual habit. He is an MD so we are really not hard up for money at the moment. He has stable employment and is not asking me to go out and get a job, which is good. He knows I'm in charge of the kids most of the time and it's up to me to be here when they need a parent if they're sick or when they don't have school.

He has them this weekend and I have been following the DB rules. I have not called them or texted him and he has actually called a few times to check up on me, so I take that as a good sign. I have this weekend to work on stuff around the house and to take time for myself. This is the first full weekend I have had to think about what he has done and to reflect on our marriage. I know now that I have been ignoring signs (he has had online relationships that I disregarded until his physical relationship with this friend of mine.) It makes me angry but I'm not going to let him see my emotion.

As far as the kids are concerned, all they know is that daddy has some work to do at an apartment when he gets done with his normal job and that he needs time to do his work, but will be happy to have them sleep over when it's his turn. My son is 8 and believes a lot. He has asperger's so takes things very literally. My daughter, who is 5, seems content, too. I know that if this becomes a long term separation that we'll have to say something, but right now they are pretty ok with daddy's "work" apartment.

I'm eating pretty well. I am not a religious person, so I don't go to Church, but I have been reflecting a lot on stuff. I am trying to read as much as I can on this and I'm keeping busy. Today I cleaned out two closets and watched a movie and slept in. In the beginning of all of this, I lost a lot of weight, but now I'm eating better. I don't eat a lot of meat, so I had a huge plate of sautéed zucchini tonight, which was good.

I don't drink a lot, simply because I'm already dealing with an alcoholic brother and my husband, who has been drinking too much. I'll go out once in awhile, but I don't like feeling icky the day after, and since I'm going to the Y so much, I want to be in good form for that.

The whole situation hasn't hit me yet, I think. It's still surreal for me to even be contemplating not having him in my life as my partner. We never fought, had regular dates, had a lot of sex, and went on vacations together without the kids. The only thing I nagged him about was money, but that was because he seemed so blasé about our finances when I'm the one who pays the bills at the end of the month. He and I do have a different view on saving, because I come from a family who saves a lot and his family spends a lot, but I thought we had struck a pretty good balance.

I feel so fortunate to have supportive family and friends, and I'm glad he and I are getting along well. I just hope he comes to his senses soon.

Thanks for all your advice!


Me: 34
H: 34
S: 8
D: 5
M: 10 yrs
T: 12 yrs
Affair: 7-1-10 (lasted 2 months, I caught him by reading emails, there was no sign of stopping until I caught him)
S: 7-16-10
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Posts: 15
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H just got on meds about seven weeks ago. He is taking prozac, was taking lamictal but had a bad reaction, so is off that, and is also taking antabuse to stop drinking.

He is seeing a counselor pretty regularly. I went to see our MC, but she is advising me to wait until he has had a few more sessions with her, because it's basically all on him to decide what to do.

I have not consulted a lawyer because I think I'm still in a bit of a state of denial. He has not been in contact with one, either, so that makes me feel better. Wisconsin in a no-fault state, so no matter what happens, I get at least half and we've been married almost 11 years and I supported him while he was in school and then left my job for his job up here and has been at home per his request the last few years. He wants me to keep the house, but I don't want it without him, because he custom built it together four years ago and it's not a home without him. So, if we end up splitting up, he will have the house and will buy me a house in the same neighborhood so that we don't disrupt life for the kids too much. I have also read about how parents share the house and take turns staying at an apartment so that the kids don't have to shuffle from one house to another. We'll see. I don't want to need to consider these options. I hope it's just some weird mid-life crisis he's experiencing and he'll come around, but I have to stay strong for whatever comes my way.

I just made a new playlist for my iphone called "Summer 2010 sucks" and I like it. Lots of Beck Sea Change songs. I just hope there will be an opportunity to erase that playlist in the near future.


Me: 34
H: 34
S: 8
D: 5
M: 10 yrs
T: 12 yrs
Affair: 7-1-10 (lasted 2 months, I caught him by reading emails, there was no sign of stopping until I caught him)
S: 7-16-10
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