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MM78 Offline OP
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I need some quick advice. We are supposed to talk tonight so I want to have my thoughts together before then.

The last few days he has said over and over that I don't need to leave and move back, he can move out for a while. I think he finally realizes that the problem here is with HIM. He has said he blames me for his brother's death, even if that is not right or justified. He is making a full mess of his whole life and not dealing with the issue at hand.

I also know he was lonely during the 2.5 weeks that we were gone. He made comments about why he rearranged things to not feel so alone, and also asked that I not take the dog up with me if I go back home this weekend. I had told him I'd be taking her when I go rent a place and leave her up there with friends so she is not shuttled back and forth up the coast any more.

So tonight we are talking about if I am heading back to my hometown next week to go rent a place, and then I'll be moved out of here within 4-6 weeks, or if I'm staying in the new state.

If I stay, he could move out to a new apartment (they only do 1 year leases here), an extended stay hotel, or remain in the house. If he moves out though, which is what he want to gain clarity, how will I trust him? How will I know if he decides to have OW here for a weekend if he doesn't live here. What stipulations do I put on him for me to remain down here while he looks within himself?

So far I have thought of this:
1. He must call her on speaker phone and completely end contact. Tell her he is getting a new phone number and that his wife has access to all his email accounts. He must block her on FB.
2. He must start IC within 2 weeks.
3. We must start MC within one month (I think it would be good for him to go to IC first for a couple of sessions).

One last point, he stopped contact with her as of Wed. morning and from what I can see on the phone bill he actually hasn't had contact - I don't have his email passwords right now though. So for once he actually took the initiative without me asking him and he emailed her and said not to contact him for "a few days". That is a slight difference from before.

I'm a little nervous about actually moving back. To go up for a few weeks is one thing, but I worry about his safety once the moving truck would be taking me and the kids and the dog away for good. His brother committed suicide and I know that it can run in families. He has said that the girls wouldn't notice if he was living here or not, he's never seen them more than a few hours a week so it doesn't matter. So to me if he thinks we moved away and are moving on with our lives and they are 'fine', he has nothing left to stay here for.


Me 32 H 32
Ds 3.5 and 1.5
M 5 years, T 14 years
EA/Bomb: 7/1/10
PA revealed: 9/14/10
Legally separated: 10/01/10
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 162
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Wow MM, You have a lot on your plate right now.

I don't even know what to say, you have some very real concerns and huge decisions. One thing that came to mind when I read it was that you can't control his actions, you can't create a safe enviornment for him, you have done that with the family and moving, yet he isn't respecting it.

Are you ready to make the decision about moving back to the hometown? This is a huge decision and if you aren't ready, I wouldn't do it yet. I think it is okay to talk to him, listen to what he says and then tell him you need to think more about it or you just don't know yet.

I'm not sure how your demands will go, if they are something that you could make right now, though I think that the IC one is critical for him. Does he really want you to stay? If so, maybe make the IC one, but I would leave the OW out of it. Make this about him and you, not her (probably just him right now, that is all he is hearing, anyway). A stay in a hotel for a month won't hurt anything, maybe it will give you the time to be able to make a decision that you feel confident/comfortable about. Do you have an IC? That could help you put things in perspective for yourself.

Good Luck, don't make any quick decisions from emotions, take the time to think them through.

Dagny


Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11
DB #1 4/2002-8/2003
Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out
Living with OW
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MM78 Offline OP
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I'm not sure what I am ready to do or not, but a perfect apartment is available for me and the kids almost within walking distance of their daycare. It was just renovated, has a garage, and is a great price. I've also applied to several jobs and have one potential interview for next week if I call to schedule it. There are no real deadlines but I feel like I'm letting opportunities pass by if I stay here and we are not (he is not) going to try at all.


Me 32 H 32
Ds 3.5 and 1.5
M 5 years, T 14 years
EA/Bomb: 7/1/10
PA revealed: 9/14/10
Legally separated: 10/01/10
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 5,299
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Quote:
There are no real deadlines but I feel like I'm letting opportunities pass by if I stay here and we are not (he is not) going to try at all.


How do the men act here when they get the bomb? Your H needs to do some work. Your H needs to come back to the marriage with his head and heart in the right place. Until that happens do what is best for you and your kids. You can handle it.

Cheers


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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Originally Posted By: MM78
The last few days he has said over and over that I don't need to leave and move back, he can move out for a while. I think he finally realizes that the problem here is with HIM.

You're assuming here. Until he tells you the problem is him (of course it's you also because it takes two to make or break a R) and specifically what he thinks they are don't assume he's taken responsibility.

Originally Posted By: MM78
He has said he blames me for his brother's death, even if that is not right or justified.

This is immature. Suicide is no one's fault. It's the decision of the person doing it no matter what they give as the 'reason'. To say "I blame you even though it's not right or justified" is an unbelievable thing for an adult to say. Especially with the magnitude of what such a statement carries.

Originally Posted By: MM78
He is making a full mess of his whole life and not dealing with the issue at hand.

Nothing you can do about that except draw YOUR boundaries so you don't get caught up in the whirlwind that is his life.

Originally Posted By: MM78
If he moves out though, which is what he want to gain clarity, how will I trust him?

It's obvious you can't. And you won't.

Originally Posted By: MM78
How will I know if he decides to have OW here for a weekend if he doesn't live here.

You won't.

Originally Posted By: MM78
What stipulations do I put on him for me to remain down here while he looks within himself?

So far I have thought of this:
1. He must call her on speaker phone and completely end contact. Tell her he is getting a new phone number and that his wife has access to all his email accounts. He must block her on FB.

Didn't he jump through a similar hoop a few weeks ago and then started contact on a birthday? You can do this step but it doesn't secure anything.

Originally Posted By: MM78
2. He must start IC within 2 weeks.
3. We must start MC within one month (I think it would be good for him to go to IC first for a couple of sessions).

Ok. This is good. But only if he actually wants to work on the marriage. If he doesn't, he may still jump through these hoops and resent you for it.

Originally Posted By: MM78
One last point, he stopped contact with her as of Wed. morning and from what I can see on the phone bill he actually hasn't had contact - I don't have his email passwords right now though. So for once he actually took the initiative without me asking him and he emailed her and said not to contact him for "a few days". That is a slight difference from before.

Is it enough difference for you? From where I sit he's being a nilly willy. It's like a kid who won't let go of the candy bar because he's so afraid someone else is going to take it or it might get lost. If you don't push him with a strong boundary he'll keep playing this game of ping pong.

He probably should have emailed - "Please don't contact me until I sort out my life. I have a responsibility to be a mature adult and deal with my W and our M and make some decisions as to where that is going."

Originally Posted By: MM78
I'm a little nervous about actually moving back. To go up for a few weeks is one thing, but I worry about his safety once the moving truck would be taking me and the kids and the dog away for good. His brother committed suicide and I know that it can run in families. He has said that the girls wouldn't notice if he was living here or not, he's never seen them more than a few hours a week so it doesn't matter. So to me if he thinks we moved away and are moving on with our lives and they are 'fine', he has nothing left to stay here for.

MM you are not responsible for nor accountable for whatever your H chooses to do or not do. I can understand your trepidation because you have been married to a man who seems to put blame on you when it's not even warranted. ie: his brother's death.

You need to deal with this issue for your own personal freedom. It's a form of people pleasing and caretaking.


MySitch
Me-47
STBXW-41
D-5
S-8
ILYBNILWY-01/08
Want a D- 01/09
Physical Sep-01/10
D filed-06/10
Got 50% custody=09/11
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We never even got to the stipulations. He said my plan of moving back made more sense (I mentioned a few days ago to him) since the kids and I will have support there. He wants to be left alone here to sort himself out (his words). We are officially separating, not sure if that means we will ultimately D, but I feel 95% certain that is what will happen once we are 500 miles apart.

He has agreed to me having full legal custody, we are working out long distance visitation. He wants to talk to me 2x a week at night about what is going on in the kids lives and be kept up to date. He says I can have all the money and he'll support me and them forever....

He also changed the password on the cell phone account, but luckily I can create my own account with my own phone number and log in anyway. I can see they each texted 2x this afternoon but overall he is not contacting her via phone still. I will be running to print records as far back as I can asap.

I am also contacting a lawyer in our current state Monday - it is a fault state. I want our agreement to be drafted immediately while we still agree on things. If he decides to mess around with me, I will pursue the fault based divorce and have OW deposed and drawn into this in court. I don't think he will want that so hopefully we can both be respectful and keep the verbal agreements we had going last night.

Driving back the 500 miles to home state tomorrow to go lease an apartment because that is what he wants. He believes that he will never be happy and without him the kids and I have a shot at happiness. For the first time EVER he also said last night that he would consider counseling. I asked him how his self medicating (tobacco, alcohol, and now sex) was working and if it wasn't working that he should think about trying something else.

Today was a sad day. I am trying to stay focused on what I need to do but I'm grieving what I perceive as the death of my family.


Me 32 H 32
Ds 3.5 and 1.5
M 5 years, T 14 years
EA/Bomb: 7/1/10
PA revealed: 9/14/10
Legally separated: 10/01/10
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 106
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And any advice on what to tell the 3.5 year old would be good. She knows we are going on the 'long car ride' again and doesn't want to go. I said we might look at a new house for me, her sister, and the dog to live near her grandparents and her friends and that daddy would stay here so he could go to work. She wants to stay with him. Then she said she didn't like daddy.

I feel like I'm totally flying blind here. How do I know what to tell her when I don't even know how this will end myself?


Me 32 H 32
Ds 3.5 and 1.5
M 5 years, T 14 years
EA/Bomb: 7/1/10
PA revealed: 9/14/10
Legally separated: 10/01/10
Joined: Nov 2004
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I think you are right in getting a L in this state. Good thinking. You have told the 3.5 year old as much as she can handle right now, I think. But, do remind her that daddy and mommy love her and her sister very much. Once she is settled into her new place, and has a routine, and is visiting with grandparents, and cousins, and friends, she will soon forget the negatives. It will become normal for daddy to visit occasionally. Sad, I know, but small children do adapt, especially if they have a good, fun routine. It doesn't sound like he was terribly involved with them, anyway.

There is nothing you can do about boundaries where OW is concerned. He might stop contact with phone, but use text, or create a new email, or have a secret cell phone, or IM her through facebook, or a hundred other technical ways to contact a person. Even if he chose to come back, you will never truly know if he is still in contact with the OW. I don't, after 6 years. I don't have any assurety that he really ended it ... he hasn't changed or done anything to help me feel I can trust him. So, it is probably a good thing that you go back to your hometown, and let him deal with whatever he needs to deal with. At least, the children will be away from all that negativity and sadness.

Take care.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
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I was told by the psychologist who did our forensic analysis you tell the children the bare minimum. In this case that's exactly what you did. I wouldn't tell her anything else until you see someone who is trained in that area.

I think what you told her is enough for her right now. You're taking the car trip, daddy's staying there to work.

Now focus on getting all your ducks in a row.

Suggestion - get a small digital tape recorder and record your conversations with H. In person, on phone, etc... Keep text messages that are pertinent.

Just because he feels the way he did last night doesn't mean he's going to stick to that position.


MySitch
Me-47
STBXW-41
D-5
S-8
ILYBNILWY-01/08
Want a D- 01/09
Physical Sep-01/10
D filed-06/10
Got 50% custody=09/11
Ride that wave!
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Back with many updates.

We are legally separated, we have agreed upon everything and the papers are all signed off on the Separation Agreement. He even agreed to alimony for life, regardless of if I remarry. The day after those papers were signed the movers came to the New State and we headed back to my Home State that weekend. I moved into a new apartment with my kids last Monday. The place is coming along, it will be a few more weeks before it's fully furnished. I also joined a gym last night and hope to go tomorrow for the first time.

In other (fun) news, my old male friend just had his divorce finalized 2 weeks ago - his wife cheated on him. So we've been talking, texting, hanging out and having a dinner here and there. It's been nice - nothing serious, I know neither of us is ready for anything, and I also know he doesn't want to remarry someone with kids so anything serious (ever) is out of the question. But it's nice to have someone to talk to and cuddle with who is in the same boat.

However, the past few days it's stunned me how lonely it can be. I am so used to being alone with H working such long hours, that I didn't really expect to feel this isolated. I guess it's the reality of the whole situation and my failed marriage hitting me. I was really in it for life, I thought I had a lifelong partner.

This week OW is off from work and I strongly suspect she is down in H's New State staying in our home there with him. That probably has intensified my lonely feelings.

Thanks for all the support during the summer. Clearly we are heading toward a divorce, but this forum has been a wonderful savior for me through some very difficult days.


Me 32 H 32
Ds 3.5 and 1.5
M 5 years, T 14 years
EA/Bomb: 7/1/10
PA revealed: 9/14/10
Legally separated: 10/01/10
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