CNS, It is late so I am only going to focus on one thing that you mentioned and what it is I learned about it in a book I recently read. It is be more EMOTIONAL. The book is "How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About IT" (HTIYMWTAI), and PEI recomended to me. (nickel PEI).
Women "need" that EMOTIONAL connection, in order to give the physical connection.
Men "need" that PHYSICAL connection, in order to give the EMOTIONAL connection.
She has fears and anxieties and when you emotionally connect with her you alleviate those fear and anxieties.
You have insecurities and or shame about being able to satisfy her or "fend off potential suitors" and when she physically connects with you she alleviates those insecurities and shame you have.
Do you see the vicious cycle here???
Sooooo one of you has to do the opposite of what you feel like doing.
Guess who that is going to be?????
That's right......You.
Originally Posted By: crushednstuck
What does more emotional mean?
When she asks you how your day was at work, don't just tell her it was fine. Tell her some details.
"Well today Joe Job came in my office and thanked me for the work I did on XYZ project"
Don't stop there, you could go on and tell her how that made you FEEL and why it made you FEEL that way.
"I had worked for weeks on the XYZ project and put in a lot of hours and it made me feel good to have my efforts recognized"
and you could go on to say....
"You know W, this is not the exact job I want and well you know how I wish I made more money, it helps me to deal with those things when I feel good about the work I do."
Oh and BTW you need to be looking at her in her eyes when you tell her this. This is the EMOTIONAL connection she is craving.
If you guys are having dinners together and doing other things I think it would be appropriate to open up to her a little about something mundane like that. Experiment and see what happens.
This is not to replace the hard work you are to be doing on yourself, but as you stated you guys are at least interacting, might as well make it good interactions.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
CNS, It is late so I am only going to focus on one thing that you mentioned and what it is I learned about it in a book I recently read. It is be more EMOTIONAL. The book is "How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About IT" (HTIYMWTAI), and PEI recomended to me. (nickel PEI).
Women "need" that EMOTIONAL connection, in order to give the physical connection.
Men "need" that PHYSICAL connection, in order to give the EMOTIONAL connection.
She has fears and anxieties and when you emotionally connect with her you alleviate those fear and anxieties.
You have insecurities and or shame about being able to satisfy her or "fend off potential suitors" and when she physically connects with you she alleviates those insecurities and shame you have.
Do you see the vicious cycle here???
Sooooo one of you has to do the opposite of what you feel like doing.
Guess who that is going to be?????
That's right......You.
Originally Posted By: crushednstuck
What does more emotional mean?
When she asks you how your day was at work, don't just tell her it was fine. Tell her some details.
"Well today Joe Job came in my office and thanked me for the work I did on XYZ project"
Don't stop there, you could go on and tell her how that made you FEEL and why it made you FEEL that way.
"I had worked for weeks on the XYZ project and put in a lot of hours and it made me feel good to have my efforts recognized"
and you could go on to say....
"You know W, this is not the exact job I want and well you know how I wish I made more money, it helps me to deal with those things when I feel good about the work I do."
Oh and BTW you need to be looking at her in her eyes when you tell her this. This is the EMOTIONAL connection she is craving.
If you guys are having dinners together and doing other things I think it would be appropriate to open up to her a little about something mundane like that. Experiment and see what happens.
This is not to replace the hard work you are to be doing on yourself, but as you stated you guys are at least interacting, might as well make it good interactions.
Cheers
BINGO!
Well said missher! Man, am I glad I recommended that book to ya PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
MHL and PEI, thanks for the book recommendation. This hits all the right notes that I think she's referenced in our conversations. MHL you are right - these things are totally mundane to me, yet I now understand she craves that feedback. This is something I really need to practice. TG, some embarrassing news but I got to get it out. Already have three pages of great help. Thanks all.
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
On this subject, I am wanting a man's perspective.
My H had multiple injuries from Iraq, surgery, was taking up to 10 pills a day. In all this he had Erectle Dysfunction. He would try and just couldn't. The medication caused him to have headaches. It became so that we both dreaded trying because of the possible "failure to launch". I approached him on several occasions, but he shyed away.
Then, when he left me for a woman our son's age, one of the parting shots he threw at me was "We haven't had sex in 3 months" This was my fault? I though I was being supportive of him. I had told him repeatedly that if he had come back from Iraq with his equipment shot off, it wouldn't have mattered. That was not what made our marriage.
Punkin to fully answer this question I must ask, when he said we haven't had sex in three months. Did that sting? Do you have any fault in that? If yes, then he may have some justification. If no, then he is projecting his problems on to you.
Sex is very important to a man. It is the glue that sometimes hold a marriage together. His failure might be a projection on to you of why he is splitting up with you. He is blaming you for his lack of sex. He can't blame himself. That would be an adult thing to do. So it must be your fault! Who elses fault could it be? He has to blame someone.
It hurt because I had approached him, cautiously, several times, and he always had an excuse. His back was bothering him, his various injuries hurt. Eventually, you stop approaching because it's not fun being rejected all the time.
When he took the medication, it caused his blood pressure to rise, he had a headache, but he'd be ready for a 2 hour marathon. Gentlemen, let me tell you, when it's been a long time, most women are not ready for marathon sex. In that, I am guilty.
It hurt because I had approached him, cautiously, several times, and he always had an excuse. His back was bothering him, his various injuries hurt. Eventually, you stop approaching because it's not fun being rejected all the time.
I had the same experience, punkin, though I don't believe ED was the problem. "Not fun being rejected" is an understatement. For me it was devastasting. I finally quit asking. I now believe his refusal was because he was seeing other women, but I may never know for sure.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Ironic question Punkin. My W accused me of never wanting sex and I don't remember it that way. I can't speak to the hydraulic question but I know there can be some self fulfilling elements of putting too much pressure on the event. Often my W and I would be in the neighbor's hot tub (clothed) - all our kids playing upstairs. I would take the kids home and put them in bed at a reasonable hour. W would come home hammered hours later. By that time I'm pissed off and want nothing to do with her. I've realized there are underlying elements for both of our reactions though. I was pulling away from her bossiness and seeming lack of responsibility. She wanted privacy (my mom living with us). There are other issues, but we both were going opposite ways. When I failed to live up to my own principles and gave in to temptation and jumped at the need for confidence boosting, I didn't have my A game, because I think I knew deep down that I wasn't done with my M and this was not the right thing to do. And I was nervous as hell. I do know anything endangering my performance is a very sensitive situation. I ride road bicycles and spent a lot of time in the saddle, periodically things go numb. I'd obsess about it at night to the point I would sneak off and prove to myself things still worked right. I imagine the contrast must have been tough for your H being the highly potent and trained defender of freedom and feeling perhaps powerless in bed.
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
Sorry for the hijack CNS, I just had to reply to Punkin and Twink.
Sometimes sex doesn't save things either. The one and only time my MLC H talked to me was about 2 years ago before completely losing himself. He told me he needed more passion in his life. I tried to up the affection and initiated sex 2-4 times a week. He almost always was hot and ready to go. However, during this time is also when he started his affair with OW. He would tell me I was beautiful, that I turned him on, would compliment me on how sexy I was. Still, despite my thinking things were better between us, he was seeing OW all this time as well and she was 'his soul mate'. I feel like if he had rejected me at least I would have had an idea of how bad things were between us.
Sorry you find yourself here, CNS. Courage to you.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
