W told me she loves me and has felt neglected during our whole M. So by going totally dark and going along with it seems to be putting the nail in the coffin.
Rule number 1. Stop doing what doesnt work. You are the only real expert of your sitch. Keep on trying different things until they work.
Originally Posted By: dsh4320
W told me she loves me and has felt neglected during our whole M. So by going totally dark and going along with it seems to be putting the nail in the coffin.
Exactally. From what I read above, your sitch is close to the same as mine, minus a few.
I found that going dark unless It was needed, didn't work. What I did find is that validating her feelings did. Listen closely to what she has to say. Try not to put the focus on yourself when you do talk, but see what she is missing in the M. Next start doing your 180's.
As for the D papers, that is when you let the L handle it. When I went to find a L, I told him that you look out and protect me and I will work on my M. Then you do that. Don't focus on the papers.Actually they gave me the incentive to work harder on my 180 and GAL.
Last edited by CPCajun; 08/05/1005:11 PM.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
If what she is saying is true, and if she doesn't have another man in the wings, then what she is telling you is important information. Have you neglected her?
There is an article called "Why Women Leave Men" by W. Harley. He says that the #1 reason women leave and file for divorce is neglect: it isn't abuse, or infidelity or finances or addiction issues, it is feeling neglected.
Not sure if it applies to you, WAWs tend to rewrite history to suit their mood, but if it even smells faintly true then stop distancing yourself from her immediately. Pay attention to her. Do a 180 with your behavior and engage with her. And if she is just rewriting history then get ready for divorce.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
Esox, in my case neglect is one of the things she claims, but also told me to stop being nice, don't do anything sweet, no compliments, etc. So what is one to do?
One of mine was she forbid me to come to her house, with threat of police call on harrassment, but in the end complained that I wasn't coming to see them.
They make their own realities. They are spinning the situation as they see fit, and they will "prove" that it is not their fault.
but also told me to stop being nice, don't do anything sweet, no compliments, etc.
= pursuing
Detach = give her space, let her go, agree with her, take care of yourself, play with and love on your kids, prepare yourself to be divorced, prepare for a reconciliation, take care of your business, let go of your anger, show compassion when appropiate......
These are all ways to show love to a WAS while respecting yourself.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
That's always been my biggest concern with the LRT strategy in terms of spouses who have felt neglected. I know that often when I pull away, my W has felt like I'm cold and withdrawn.
Hang in there dSH. It's not over til the fat lady sings.
Call bull$hit on that one. Cause that is EXACTLY what it is: I (WA) want out and you (LBS) won't beg me to stay. You won't allow me to manipulate you anymore, therefore, you must be cold. Don't fall for it.
If it was me I would be wary of using the LRT on the WAS who felt neglected. If they felt "invisible, "you don't understand/see me," or "unloved" then you need to be able to show love (lovingly detach), don't put up with CB (boundaries) and take care of yourself (GAL). How are you going to change their feelings of neglect? How would you make them feel "seen," understood, supported, cared for and loved? Which feelings are you trying to validate?
I understand the detaching can appear cold. Activity creates warmth.
Pin which one are you saying bingo too? Nothing really new today stayed busy, havent heard from W all day. Like I said before she is going dark now, I am letting her be, but going to try a few things different, what do I have to lose at this point?
To Coach. My wife has always felt I'm not affectionate, and that I've neglected her.
Even though she's a WAS, it's a bit different than a sitch where the LRT is an obvious choice. For me, I've settled on some of it, GAL, detach, 180s, but also really focusing more on listening and being available for her.
So the trick for me is to give her non-threatening attention. Not to act as if I'm fine she's leaving, nor to push her out the door when she starts to be afraid.
