Stitching together a new quilt

[FindingMyVoice]

This is my new thread. Not too long ago, Sandi2 had told me a wonderful story, about building a marriage being like creating a quilt. How each piece is loving chosen and painstakingly stitched together, one by one. It was such a beautiful analogy I had to name my new thread after it. Hugs to all from PG.

[TimeHeals]

Originally Posted By: TimeHeals

I spend 5-15 minutes a day on strength training these last 5 days in addition to my other routines. Lost over a pound a day.

Get out of town!? Seriously Time? Surely you must be watching your diet pretty carefully though, as well? And I know how often and how far you walk your dogs. Holy cow... I'm going to dust off my dumbells and get to it!

Oh PS! I've started a new thread! Poor dday, I'm sure he's getting tired of me hijacking his! Here's the link. Hugs to all...

Watching my diet? I cut out most of the junk, but last Saturday I ate a 1lb burger and tried to eat half of a sundae that is so humoungous that two people cannot eat it (4 people maybe).

So... I am generally not a diet zealot, but there is no junk food in my house, so that means I have to go someplace to get that sort of thing, and I don't eat out nearly as much as I used to do.

No, I attribute the tipping point to mixing in some crunches, leg lifts, bridges, curls, military presses, and bench presses (and you can mix this up more than I have so far with quad lifts, lat bars, bench presses, and so on--I have all of that equipment--need to dust that off!).

The walking is good. It's good for the dogs, and it's good for me (helps build bones, don't ya know? You get older, and (females especially) you have to worry about osteoperossis and such. But all of that walking was doing very little to raise my metabolism.

I read somewhere that prolonged sitting is just bad, so I have also started making a point to break up sitting every couple of hours even if it is only to get up and go do laundry or walk around the house (just now steam cleaned carpets).

I try not to sit as much.

[FindingMyVoice]

Watching my diet? I cut out most of the junk, but last Saturday I ate a 1lb burger and tried to eat half of a sundae that is so humoungous that two people cannot eat it (4 people maybe).
No way!? Lol. You're a riot.

The walking is good....But all of that walking was doing very little to raise my metabolism.
Yes, that's what I'm beginning to find too; if I do hills it helps, but they're few and far between around here. Still trying to strengthen my shins so I can get running again. I'm still amazed you were able to make that big of a difference in your weight just adding weights without extra cardio.

[FindingMyVoice]

Oh, figured I'd put a summary of my sitch in (with a couple edits and additions) from a convo on dday's thread. (Thanks again for sharing your thread and insights dday).

-------

Unfortunately, my H was still fairly resistant to the idea that there were problems to start off with, because our biggest issue is/was our communication. Neither of us had learned how to work through conflict together - so, we'd just avoid it until it built into this 18 year old wall of resentment, unacknowledged hurts and disconnect. The other biggies were that I never knew how to ask for support, and he didn't know how to offer it; and finally, how to give and receive affection.

So some of the changes I've been asking for (edit: and initiating): to share more meaningful communication (beyond talking about the weather!); asking/telling him that it's not fair to blame me for our problems any more, (this is a toughie); for respectful communication in front of others; to avoid dismissing me if I have a concern; to talk out problems instead of just avoiding one another; to not judge me for being more emotional than him; asking for support and hugs when I need it; spending more time together - even just asking to spend more time with one another, like we go on a weekly date-night now; asking for signs of affection (nonexistent til now, and our sex life... blehhh... it's still just NOT good. My IC scoffs at me expecting that to get better, until after we're consistently connecting and feeling emotionally close again, but I'm concerned on that one still).

But all those bad habits were so entrenched, it's taking a long time to create new patterns. And yes, your suggestion about leading by example is bang on. That's exactly what I've been trying to do, especially given that he won't come to MC. (Fair enough - I don't like it, but it is his choice and I can't control him - as long as he continues to grow and change his part of our negative patterns I won't kick up a stink about it).

We're still making lots of mistakes, but there's more successes now, than ever before.

[TimeHeals]

We're still making lots of mistakes, but there's more successes now, than ever before.

Great job! It's a pain in the butt, and it takes soooo much time, but you sure are a trooper!

[FindingMyVoice]

Great job! It's a pain in the butt, and it takes soooo much time, but you sure are a trooper!

Aww thanks Time! You know what kind of tipped the scale for me? While we were on holidays last month, I woke up early and looked over at him while he was still sleeping and realized 'Oh my god if I give up and leave, I'll never know what he looks like when his hair's all grey.' I had to almost stuff my face into my pillow to keep from crying.

I know... it likely sounds so ridiculous! Everyone always says 'but you can't throw away the last 'x' number of years of your life together!'. And I'm sure again that it sounds odd but the thought of that didn't bother me too much. But the thought of missing out on experiencing how we'd 'end up' in our lives - well that just killed me. I think it was that day I finally was able to start forgiving him and seeing his role in our problems and disconnect with more compassion.

[Four_More_Years]

Unfortunately, my H was still fairly resistant to the idea that there were problems to start off with, because our biggest issue is/was our communication. Neither of us had learned how to work through conflict together - so, we'd just avoid it until it built into this 18 year old wall of resentment, unacknowledged hurts and disconnect. The other biggies were that I never knew how to ask for support, and he didn't know how to offer it; and finally, how to give and receive affection.

So some of the changes I've been asking for (edit: and initiating):
to share more meaningful communication (beyond talking about the weather!);
asking/telling him that it's not fair to blame me for our problems any more, (this is a toughie);
to avoid dismissing me if I have a concern;
to talk out problems instead of just avoiding one another;
to not judge me for being more emotional than him;
asking for support and hugs when I need it;
spending more time together - even just asking to spend more time with one another, like we go on a weekly date-night now;
our sex life... blehhh... it's still just NOT good.

But all those bad habits were so entrenched, it's taking a long time to create new patterns.

FMV, I took out very little in my editing; everything left I could have written. This is the post of yours that made me realize how similar our situations are. We are coming on our 20th anniversary. We are in marriage counseling, but, ironically, while it's brought a lot of clarity and understanding, one of the things I've come to understand is that it just probably isn't ever going to be much better.

At times I am absolutely stricken with grief and guilt and shame over my part in allowing us to get so entrenched in the -- as you so aptly put it -- "wall of resentment, unacknowledged hurts and disconnect". But truly, for so long I didn't even know what to ask for, much less how. And now that I do see and understand what I need and am not willing to settle for feeling secondary, my husband is just bewildered by why I'm no longer okay with what he truly honestly thinks has been a good marriage.

It makes me unutterably sad when I think about the inevitability; even our counselor admits she doesn't know if we can get through it. We're both trying, though, which at least makes the interim more tolerable and perhaps with enough practice we will find ourselves reconnecting.

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi Four,
Gosh I'm so sorry to hear what you're up against, and how sad you sound. It's frustrating isn't it, how many years it takes to even get to where you know what you want, or see what's lacking, so that you can even ask for or initiate it. I wish I could respond more, but I'm really lacking in privacy right now so have to go. I'll be back soon. Hang in there. Don't give up yet!

[FindingMyVoice]

We are in marriage counseling, but, ironically, while it's brought a lot of clarity and understanding, one of the things I've come to understand is that it just probably isn't ever going to be much better.

Hi again, Four - I realized I had a couple of questions for you - do you mind sharing? That way folks here might be able to help you better. How long have you been in counselling? How old are you both? And, was there a specific event that finally made you pick up the phone and book an appt with a MC? What was it? What happened?

But truly, for so long I didn't even know what to ask for, much less how. And now that I do see and understand what I need and am not willing to settle for feeling secondary, my husband is just bewildered by why I'm no longer okay with what he truly honestly thinks has been a good marriage.

How long has it been since his eyes have been 'opened' so to speak, to how you feel? How does he respond when you do ask for changes? I believe, for example, that it took my H a while to adjust to the idea I wasn't happy in the first place. I know when I first start asking for change, my H was extremely adverse; it would cause a lot of conflict - he'd question, blame, dismiss my requests, outright contradict that I was so unhappy I thinking of leaving. But I kept asking though, kept talking - my IC said that's the only way they're going to know how important it is to you. And little by little, I could see he'd be absorbing what I'd be talking about; understanding and trying to change along with me. It can be very, very discouraging at times, I know. It takes a long time. Be sure to keep a diary! Every time I asserted myself and asked for change, I'd make a note of it - that way I could visually see when changes started happening. It gave me the positive reinforcement I needed to keep working at it, and, helped me be more aware of the need to acknowledge and appreciate the work he was doing. The more I did, the more changes he made. The more changes he'd make, the more changes I'd make. It's all a cycle.

In some ways going to the IC on my own, was helpful because the challenges I faced in initiating and asking for change, were significantly different than the one's he was/is facing in the process. So, going alone allowed me to get the individualized support and guidance I needed. Perhaps you might try one or two sessions on your own? It also allows you to speak to things you might feel guilty saying in front of your H. For example, although I never said the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' thing to my H, I did tell my therapist that I loved him but wasn't 'in love' with him. It was a relief just to be able to say it out loud without him around; this allowed me to just sit with that feeling, and notice how it impacted me, rather than worrying more (yet again) about how my feelings and thoughts impacted him.

It makes me unutterably sad when I think about the inevitability; even our counselor admits she doesn't know if we can get through it.

I worry here, about your counselor saying something like that to you. Although a MC has to acknowledge that ultimately, the decision of whether your marriage will continue, will be yours, they also should make it clear that what you're working towards is to keep your marriage in tact. My IC put it well saying "the goal in MC is to KEEP you together", not give you MORE reasons and/or doubt that you should split up! Good grief don't we all have enough of that on our own!? We certainly don't need professionals fueling such negativity for us! What is your opinion of his/her help to date? What do you think of his/her pessimism? All I know is that in life, we should never make serious, life changing decisions while we're in the middle of a crisis.

Keep your mind open to the fact that you and your H may indeed be able to become friends again, reconnect, and create a better relationship than you even had in the beginning. Can you envision that? One thing my IC did that was helpful was to ask me to think about what that would 'look' like. What would we be doing together; what, how and where would we talk; the whole how/what/where/everything about affection too - get a really clear picture in your head of you and your H being in a fulfilling, passionate marriage. I know it feels awkward at first, but give it a try. It helps give you a positive picture to work towards, and know the kinds of things you need to talk about and initiate to get you there.

Anyways! Sorry this has gotten so long-winded. I guess my last question is what kinds of books your MC has gotten you to read. The books I've read since this all began for me, have been a godsend. My library keeps growing! I can recommend a number of good ones if you're interested.

Take care, I'll check in over the weekend to see if you've replied. Stay strong; stay positive. You can do this!

[Concerned_Listener]

FMV,
It's inspiring to watch you work so hard at repairing your M, to be able to articulate the patterns that led to its crises, to have acquired an awareness of what you need to change, to practice persistence, determination, and focus on a faith that the R can evolve into the M of your dreams.

CL