Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#2037748 07/13/10 08:59 PM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 31
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 31
I am receintely divorced and I thought I had finally gotten threw the battered beaten down mess that my life had turned into. I had started dating again and met someone who is just truely wonderful. I could not have asked for someone better in my life and in the lives of my children. But there is one demon for me and a demon for the children. Mine is how the hell do I begin to trust completely after being cheated on and let down by every guy who has entered into my life. Now I know that you are supposed to begin with a beginners mind, and for the most part I have. I just find myself unable to trust ppl in general. I never know if that one girls who acts as my friend is going to be the end all be all of my relationship. How do I totally heal from the cheating and move on. As for my children, they are unable or unwilling to let go of my ex husband. The kids have accepted my new b.f. but it is almost as though they too are waiting for the other shoe to drop. And they still refer to and want to talk to the old. How do I begin to move them forward to healing?


t=5.5yrs m=4
kids=4 (8,9,10,&11)
I dropped the bomb 10-09
regaining myself
in house seperation 9-6-09
divorce final 4-19-10
Moved out 9-17-09
stephanie #2037780 07/13/10 09:47 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
Just from looking at the dates, I would say you really aren't ready to date again, no matter how wonderful the guy may be. You have not regained your balance and neither have your kids. It took nearly 3 years for my kids to start to get comfortable being kids again. I know everyone is different, but you still need to feel good about yourself by yourself before you even think of bringing someone else into the mix.

Personally, unless I was serious about a guy, I wouldn't be introducing him to my kids. You don't know where this relationship is going, I don't blame your kids for being uncomfortable. I would say for now keep the BF separate from the kids time and let them get over the dissoulution of their family.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
stephanie #2037803 07/13/10 10:18 PM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,096
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,096
Quote:
As for my children, they are unable or unwilling to let go of my ex husband.
I'm a dad so perhaps I'm biased, but this sentence bothers me. I understand your ex was a lousy husband, but was he a lousy father. If he wasn't then they shouldn't have to let go of their father.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 31
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 31
I am not asking my children to forget about the ex, he was not their bio dad, but he was the first taste they had of a dad. Not for lack of me trying to get their real dad involved because I have given them every chance in the world. But the ex is already living w the other woman and has been since Feb. He wants nothing to do with the kids and this in my opinion can be crushing to a child. I told him a long time ago that I would still like for him and the kids to have a relationship because he has been such a part of theirs lives. But left to his discretion he has not done this or made this effort. To watch my children be heartbroken is enough to break my own heart over and over again. And as far as they go I was not going to bring the new B.F. in for a while til I saw where it was going but as we all know somethings just happen. But he does have his place and I do have mine so we still have separate space and still come together and do things with the children.


t=5.5yrs m=4
kids=4 (8,9,10,&11)
I dropped the bomb 10-09
regaining myself
in house seperation 9-6-09
divorce final 4-19-10
Moved out 9-17-09
stephanie #2038380 07/14/10 07:26 PM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,096
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,096
That's awful about the kids. It's like a double rejection.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 6,948
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 6,948
Stephanie, sorry you are going through this. I am by no means an expert, but I have been cheated on repeatedly, but all by one man, my ex husband. Anyway through years of reading, studying, praying, and counseling, I have a few things I have learned that I would like to share, and also a question or two:

1)Have you gotten any counseling or done any kind of 'work' to see why you have chosen the type of guy who winds up hurting you? I am not saying it is your fault; my H seemed great, we were high school sweethearts, I had no idea it would turn out like this. But what I mean is, there is a guy named Henry Cloud (google him, he writes awesome books) who says that after a divorce, before dating, we need to evaluate our choices and patterns. As he puts it, our "people picker" is broken if we keep choosing defective mates. For example maybe rushing in too soon and giving our hearts to someone before we really truly know them. Anyway just food for thought, figure out your pattern and make sure you don't repeat it, to protect your heart.

2)How soon did you introduce the kids to new BF? I know my counselor advised me against dating at all while my kids were small. But she did say that when the time came that I wanted to date, I should leave the bf out of my kids' lives for quite awhile, making sure I felt it was a good, healthy relationship before letting them get attached. Which means, when I date, I will do it when my ex has the kids, I won't have the guy around when my kids are around. Not for a while, anyway.

So just a few thoughts.... I am sorry this has happened and sorry your kids have lost their father figure. That has to hurt them, which means it hurts you.


Me-35

Together: 18 yrs
M-12.5 yrs
S-8
D-4
D'd: Feb. 2010

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save. --Zeph. 3:17
BobbiJo #2097948 10/29/10 07:05 PM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 31
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 31
I know with out a doubt my people picker is broken. We are sitting at the holiday season and I find that I am rite back at the spot of I miss my family. By this I mean my ex H and my son of the heart (his son). Because I feel this great yearning I have drawn the conclusion that I am not quiet over my H and need to take a step back from the guy that I was seeing. So I haave cut strings from that and have no plans of dating or letting anyone other then friends close for a very very long time. I am unfortunatly probably still to attached to my past to try and make a future with anyone besides my children. And that is where I feel I am best for now and a long time until I figure out what and how to heal from the other scars wounds and fragments of days gone by.


t=5.5yrs m=4
kids=4 (8,9,10,&11)
I dropped the bomb 10-09
regaining myself
in house seperation 9-6-09
divorce final 4-19-10
Moved out 9-17-09

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard