tired of this

[pinhead]

Neither of us were happy pre-Bomb. I'm moving towards a healthy, happy relationship. If my wife is onboard for that, great. Otherwise I'll find someone more compatible, with the same goals as me.

[pookie69]

The Pinball Wizard.

I'm not picking at you just trying to give perspective. That's the value in detaching. I bet your wife can tell a different story. Every marriage has two sides with gaps. I am not excusing any bad behavior but your R wasn't always this way.

If your wife didn't drop the bomb would you be happy in your M? Would she? Where do you want to be?

Don't see any picking here. I was exactly that - deaf, blind and stupid.

Of course my W story will be different. She kept leaving crumbs everywhere while I was busy in my seemingly tranquil world.

I had forgotten what happiness felt like. So perhaps I will still consider it "normal" if the bomb hadn't dropped. She in the other hand obviously was not happy and would not be now if she did not do what she did.

You are trying to make me say that what I called a cowardly act was actually a heroic move from her part to shake up the nest and let pieces fall where the should be.

I suppose if my story has a happy ending I will give her a MOH, but isn't that a form of re-writing history?

But winners have always had that privilege, haven't they?

[TimeHeals]

isn't that a form of re-writing history?

But winners have always had that privilege, haven't they?

We all re-write our history. It was never as miserable as miserable people remember it.

It was never as good as happy people remember it.

We don't store complete details. We store impressions, smells, rough ideas.

We can go back and discover there were good lessons in bad things that happened, and then we turn bad memories into good memories about how we became better people.

The past is largely fictional

If I asked you how many right turns you make every day on your way to work, could you answer? And that one is easy.

A Budhist monk was kept waiting for many weeks to see the Master. Finally, one day the Master's apprentice came to him and said you may go see the Master now.

The monk had to climb a mountain with many steps to see the Master.

When the monk reached the top, the Master said, "Tell me how many steps you had to climb, and I will answer your questions".

[pookie69]

OK. OK. OK.

So WAS behavior during the bomb drop is a cowardly act.

This is how I FEEL about it right now.

Fast forward X months after the reconciliation.

WAS behavior was a heroic display of courage to wake up the M and fix the R.

That's how I FEEL about it right now.

Alternate fast forward X months after a permanent separation.

WAS - It was a heroic display of courage to get myself out of the miserable M/

LBS - It was a cowardly act of terrorism to break up the family and destroy 20 year old M.

That's how they each FEEL right now.


Got it.

[DanF]

Sorry to hear u r struggling AG. You are my buddy and I feel bad for you. You have been doing so well. Writing from my blackberry at 3am in Belgium, so have to be short. I believe WAW IS heroic for finally expresssing herself, but cowardly for doing so in this manner rather than facing the problems and trying to make life better with us. We WANT to please them, but didn't understand how. Now that they have finally spoken-up, they r running away. Very sad!

Stop analyzing so much. It won't matter or help anyway. Believe me, I KNOW because I have done way too much of the same! They have to figure this out themselves.

I cried like a baby ahain last night and am ashamed of my behavior yet again.

Hang tough man, cause I know u are!!!!

By the way, I smoked am actual CUBAN Cohiba tonight and thought of u.

More later!

[A_goodman]

So your guys wives had huge issues in the marriage (and you guys either had some clue or were scared to speak up) and you call your wives cowardly. This is strategically a huge error to see this way.

Just because it's not how you would handle it doesn't make it "cowardly." Time to be a leader not a whiner.

Coach,

I have thought about this since I saw it yesterday. I didn't reply my first thought, because I've learned to really examine my motivations when dealt a 2X4. Ususally they are on target and I am acting/writing/feeling in a way that is driven by emotion and thus I can't see the truth the way you guys can.

On reflection, I would agree with your assesment IF the main point was just to belly ache about my W. I think my post that instigated this discussion was a little off the point. I added it to the point that I had made previously about my growing apprehension over some "foggy" feelings I was having bout her.

Maybe mentioning "cowardice" was a jab. I'm not sure abbout that, but it does play into the things I've learned about the pessimistic mindset. Perhaps, I should have called it defeatism which really applies better.

Rather than whining about the issue of her mindset, I was trying to examine my own and whether ours were compatable in the long run. I have been looking at this from a position of detachment. Maybe I'm too detached. Or maybe second guessing one's own desires and motivation to keep holding out hope are a side effect of truly detaching. I don't know the answer to that.

But I do know that my point was not to hammer W or WAW's in general. It wasn't even an effort to understand their motivations for the way they go about things. Although, that is a valuable thing and the discussion that developed was a reasonable effort to do just that. My part of it was and is still self examination.

Thanks for being a good friend to me over these months, and please smack me when you see the need. It's much appreciated.

[A_goodman]

Sorry to hear u r struggling AG. You are my buddy and I feel bad for you. You have been doing so well. Writing from my blackberry at 3am in Belgium, so have to be short. I believe WAW IS heroic for finally expresssing herself, but cowardly for doing so in this manner rather than facing the problems and trying to make life better with us. We WANT to please them, but didn't understand how. Now that they have finally spoken-up, they r running away. Very sad!

Stop analyzing so much. It won't matter or help anyway. Believe me, I KNOW because I have done way too much of the same! They have to figure this out themselves.

I cried like a baby ahain last night and am ashamed of my behavior yet again.

Hang tough man, cause I know u are!!!!

By the way, I smoked am actual CUBAN Cohiba tonight and thought of u.

More later!

Dan-o,

Up at 3AM? That's a good sign. I hope you are having a blast.

Thanks for chiming in man. I can't believe you would take the time out to worry about me. I know you are my paisan.

As far as the analysing, most of it was self-directed. Starting to really wonder if I might really be better off W/O her. It's got me a little spooked. Maybe it's a sign of true detachment, but maybe it's a sign of wanting out myself. just haven't figured it out yet. If it's the latter, It's bad timing tosay the least. I'm willing to do the work to get it back, but she's already out there. it'll be like tieng a kite to another kite. Somebody's got to hold the string...

String... Rope? Maybe there's something to this. Maybe this is the feeling of REALLY letting go. Gotta think about that.

How was the Cohiba? What kind of sandwiches do they serve?

Answer me when you get back bro.

[A_goodman]

You know, sometimes, one has to relax. I'm on the porch with a cold beer and a fine cigar and for the life of me, I can't really understand why I've been twisting myself up trying to figure out what my feelings are.

Sure it's important to look at yourself and try and grasp the world and it's grand implications. But right now, I could care less about anything but experiencing everything this one moment in time has to offer me. It's funny, I almost went to bed, but decided to unwind a little. Now I'm sorry for all those around me who are tucked safely in their houses. Sometimes we don't even recognize the profound joy of existing. This is a wonderful night and almost went un-lived right outside my own door.

I hope to be more aware of the oportunities for simple joy that goes unnoticed all around me. I hope the same for you my friends.

And no. I'm not drunk. Just happy for a little peace. God will take care of me. I just have to learn to let him do the worrying and listen when he tells
me to rest. Not easy, but I'm working on it.

Cheers,

-AG

[DanF]

Goodman,

What is going on in your sitch?

How are you doing?

Are you still out there? Give us an update.