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Hey all -

Allen asked me if I had to do this all over again knowing what I know now, what would I have done differently?

My WH is a college prof who has been having an EA with one of his female grad students for 3+ years now. I've gotten the "We're just friends" talk, the "ILYBINILWY" talk, the "We're over" talk, etc.

If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I would have:

1. Asked him to get rid of her and given him a time line for her to be gone. I would not have been intimate with him again unless he complied.

If he didn't comply, I would have continued to keep him at a distance but also:

2. Taken his office keys, gone to his office, gone through all his drawers and found the evidence of the Victoria's Secret items, flowers, candies, etc., he sent her.

3. Logged on to his University reimbursement accounts and printed off all "business dinner" receipts he had with OW that were reimbursed by the University.

4. Printed off the 90 days worth' of 24/7 text messages, averaging 1,000 per month back and forth.

5. Made an appointment with the Dept. Chair.

6. Taken ALL the evidence with me to that meeting, shown it all to the Chair, and told him I wanted OW removed from WH mentorship immediately since WH refused to do it.

7. Threaten to expand my exposure to the graduate affairs committee, the student oversight committee, etc., if it was not addressed ASAP.

WH would have been blindsided, OW would have been asked to leave, and we'd be in recovery right now.

Instead, I was hurt, confused, angry, etc., allowed it drag on and on, eroding our marriage and giving OW power and leverage she neither needs nor deserves.

In short, if I had acted more quickly and forcefully THEN, I wouldn't be here now. <Sigh>

Here' was Allen's reply:

Originally Posted By: Allen A
Hindsight is 20/20 my dear.. I had to deal with an affair in my home that ran 2+ years too... and MOST of that two years could have been avoided like you by my being more aggressive and more educated about affair busting beforehand... But I didn't even find MWD for the first four months.. It takes a month at least to learn all of this and another month to get into practice...

Affairs just blindside the LBS... its sad... no one prepares you to deal wtih this crap...

Good plan though.. i must admit... I think that would have saved you at least two years.. it may have taken a while to get OW gone, but ya she would have been gone sooner if you and I were both better prepared for this nonsense...


So...what would YOU do differently if you had to do it all over again, knowing what you know now?

This might be REALLY helpful to newcomers.

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Thanks SR... excellent post... smile

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I don't know...I really did everything they recommended on marriagebuilders.com (where I found info the first time).

Maybe just limit stbxh's visits with S instead of letting him be over here 6 days per week. BUt I am glad that he came over here instead of taking him to her!


me,34
exH,34
S,16 months
S:3/31/09-left for OW
started DBing 10/09
d final: sometime 10/10
current:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1
met in 2004

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NM were you AT those visitations yourself?

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What I would've done differently is to try and procure evidence before blurting out to H that I thought he was having some sort of A. I might've had a better chance of collecting some real intel before showing my hand. Now, he keeps everything so close to the vest that it's difficult for me to know what's really going on. Is he or isn't he - that is the question!

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Yes, gather more evidence before using it. And not pursuing - makes the LBS look weak.

Those are the two major things I had to learn..the hard way.


M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
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Hey all!

If I had to do it all again I would have NEVER tried to be H friend. That was counterproductive to reconcilliation as I know WAY too much.

I would have cut him off emotionally and forced him to live his choices. He didn't need to get rid of OW as long as I was there to fill in the gaps.

I would have exposed OW to her family and at her workplace, there were calls and texts that she made to me while she was on the job. It could have put pressure on her.

Mostly I would have just cut him off emotionally, physically & financially...it might have cut things short.


M:39
H:39
K:S14;D8
T:22yr
M:15yrs
S:12/28/07 EA/PA
3/14/08 OW preg
11/17/08 born
12/12/08 his
~~~~~~~
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option


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Allen, since our S was a newborn, and I was nursing,I was at home at the same time he was there for all but one visit. Then I gradually decreased the amount of time I was present at the house during his visits. I think I started being less "present" around November...would have to go back and re-read.


But I remember thinking all along, in the back of my mind, that there probably isn't much we can do if the WAS really wants to be with the OP.

I am now at peace because I can think of him as being emotionally unstable since he is capable for filing for D while telling me he will always have doubts. Who does that? Who TELLS the spouse that???

Last edited by newmama; 07/08/10 02:32 AM.

me,34
exH,34
S,16 months
S:3/31/09-left for OW
started DBing 10/09
d final: sometime 10/10
current:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1
met in 2004


Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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