Just stopping in to post one last time in this particular section of these forums as I cannot foresee what the following weeks hold in store for me. I do look forward to them with open eyes now and a different perspective then when I first came here. I am ready now for any outcome be it the end of one thing or the beginning of another.
I am also not going to link to my past stitches as they are exactly that. The past, I cannot change the past, and I will not dwell there as I will never go back to being the same person. I guess you could say I have become “Enlightened” from what I have read in these very forums and reading Divorce Busting 3 times now. (Plus countless other books)
Would like to leave one bit of advice for any newcomer who may read this and are going through the whirlwind of a marriage gone wrong, you will have many questions and will try so many things and await an outcome.
But in my personal opinion only, you will fail at all advice given here if you do not reach the point that you truly believe in your mind, body and soul that this is not the end of the world. You have to come to the point were you are willing to accept everything and anything that comes your way and have the self confidence that you can and will over come. There is a quote somewhere in this forum that goes roughly like this “A soldier cannot do his job until he realizes he is already dead”. For me that is the one saying that has stuck in my mind since day one. And yes like many here, I half assed attempted much of the advice given in this forum and from DB and waited to see changes in my spouse. WRONG WRONG WRONG
You cannot change someone, they can only do that. You have to change yourself and BELIEVE in these changes. You have to be these changes and live them. I have heard many say that the “teachings” and advice in these forums are “faking”. Well I can tell you now that if you are “faking” you will fail miserably at trying to save your marriage.
My example: I have always wanted to be a professional photographer. But I let fear of circumstances in my marriage stop me from pursuing this. 4 weeks ago I bought a top end camera and a couple really sweet lenses to go with it. I made some phone calls to my local Parks and Recreation and now I have so many calls coming in for me to shoot various events I have almost everyday booked with something to do I love. You would not believe how much peace and happiness this has brought to me. It’s like the sun is shining through the clouds for the first time in months, maybe years. I have become a much more relaxed, even tempered, smiling, open and caring person you would ever want to meet. Did it piss my wife off when I went out and dropped all that cash on a new camera? Of course it did. But what is she going to do? Divorce me? LoL wait till she sees what I am bringing home from Murphy’s camera today after work.
But the key here is over these past few weeks I began to do much inner soul searching and realized what I had been doing wrong. (Thinking is much easier when you have some peace in your life, believe me.) I did not believe that I was a better person. I was waiting for changes in my wife instead of focusing on changes inside myself. So in closing, this is what has worked for me. I read through DB 3 times until I fully understood what was being told there. I read dozens if not hundreds of posts in these forums. I began to follow the advice but I was still not getting the point and I was not getting anywhere and started to fall into that black hole that I started at. Only when I began to truly believe in myself and find inner peace with what was going on in my life have a truly reached what I feel what is success. Will this save my marriage? I do not know. But regardless of the outcome I am now prepared for tomorrow and could really care less about yesterday. I do apologize for such the long post, but if it helps one person here then I have accomplished something.
P.S. Thank you all who have taken the time to help me through the dark times and given so much advice and support, I truly appreciate it and will be following it now the way I should have been 6 months ago.
M:40 W:40 D: 21 S: 18 D: 17 Md: 18 years -1/19/2010 W wants out -6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
But in my personal opinion only, you will fail at all advice given here if you do not reach the point that you truly believe in your mind, body and soul that this is not the end of the world. You have to come to the point were you are willing to accept everything and anything that comes your way and have the self confidence that you can and will over come.
Only when I began to truly believe in myself and find inner peace with what was going on in my life have a truly reached what I feel what is success. Will this save my marriage? I do not know. But regardless of the outcome I am now prepared for tomorrow and could really care less about yesterday.
Hugs to you Wired, for finding some peace and believing in yourself. I'm so excited for you, as you begin your journey being a professional photographer. I have wanted my whole life, to be a professional artist and have lacked the courage to make the leap. You've made such a difference in my life and I hope you continue to post on your progress in yours. I'll never look at a frying pan the same way again.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
"Your circumstances may be uncongenial, but they shall not remain so if you only perceive an ideal and strive to reach it. You cannot travel within and stand still without.
Let a person radically alter his thoughts, and he will be astonished at the rapid transformation it will effect in the material conditions of his life."
What you resist will persists...., as I continue to stretch not yet allowing myself to run but I do know that the run begins with the first stride = happiness. Thank you for the post and the reminder of where one must be.
Continue to see the day as the most beautiful day ever, and keep up the photography the lens is only a container for the limitless view.
Me:25 fiance :29 about to be 30 in Sept. together: 7.5 years situation: separated 2.5 months