DB Friends, I'm starting a new thread to reflect the start of a new phase. I've been working at being a better companion for my W this year. I've joined three dance performance teams with her, and joined a fitness club and have been taking exercise classes with her.
I've been reading the book "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud for the past two months. The book has expanded my idea of what boundary-setting involves. The book also fits with my values of D as a last resort, rather than using it too early as a boundary tool. The book also fits with my values of holding onto compassion. I consider the book required reading for all who are on the Piecing forum, because these are fundamental skills that will move us from Piecing to maintenance. The book makes frequent reference to the bible, but does not attempt to preach religion. The advice is sound, no matter the source.
My W is now unemployed. Her dance friend of a year ago called her in another emotional crisis. She went to have dinner with him. She called me and said that he was in a poor emotional state and would spend the night with him. I asked her if he was suicidal, and she said he wouldn't stop crying. I didn't push the issue any further.
I thought about what I've been reading in Boundaries in Marriage. I thought about the importance of putting honesty into the M, with the intent of helping my W see how her decision may do harm to the M. I thought about that my intent is not to control her, but to influence her. I thought about it overnight, and wrote her an email this morning.
I wrote that she needed to be careful about reconnecting with him. I advised that overextending her own boundaries will not help someone who has their own boundary problems. I advised that simply spending time with a suffering person who continues in the same patterns, is not helping them.
This is obvious to me, but I don't think it is to her. I decided to write to her as my friend, who I want to help avoid getting manipulated into a relationship that will bring negativity into her life. She respects and listens to what I say and write. I like the advice in the book of being soft with the person but hit hard the issue.
We'll see what kind of response I get. We'll see if I can minimize her desire to rescue him or whatever she's being pulled into.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I like the advice in the book of being soft with the person but hit hard the issue.
Your wife spent the night with another man alone and that's how hard you hit the issue? Can you really expect your wife to be attracted to you when you let her behave like this? She's emotionally bonding with this guy again. Your wife doesn't need a friend she needs a husband, husbands don't let their wives sleep over at other mens homes.
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We'll see if I can minimize her desire to rescue him or whatever she's being pulled into.
She told you she wants to go rescue him. He is emotionally blackmailing your wife to get his needs met and you are a bystander.
A real boundary would have been, "I understand he is hurting and you want to help. I won't share my wife with another man, especially to spend the night. His problems are his problems it is not appropriate for you to get involved."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
DB Friends, I'm starting a new thread to reflect the start of a new phase. I've been working at being a better companion for my W this year. I've joined three dance performance teams with her, and joined a fitness club and have been taking exercise classes with her.
I've been reading the book "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud for the past two months. The book has expanded my idea of what boundary-setting involves. The book also fits with my values of D as a last resort, rather than using it too early as a boundary tool. The book also fits with my values of holding onto compassion. I consider the book required reading for all who are on the Piecing forum, because these are fundamental skills that will move us from Piecing to maintenance. The book makes frequent reference to the bible, but does not attempt to preach religion. The advice is sound, no matter the source.
My W is now unemployed. Her dance friend of a year ago called her in another emotional crisis. She went to have dinner with him. She called me and said that he was in a poor emotional state and would spend the night with him. I asked her if he was suicidal, and she said he wouldn't stop crying. I didn't push the issue any further.
I thought about what I've been reading in Boundaries in Marriage. I thought about the importance of putting honesty into the M, with the intent of helping my W see how her decision may do harm to the M. I thought about that my intent is not to control her, but to influence her. I thought about it overnight, and wrote her an email this morning.
I wrote that she needed to be careful about reconnecting with him. I advised that overextending her own boundaries will not help someone who has their own boundary problems. I advised that simply spending time with a suffering person who continues in the same patterns, is not helping them.
This is obvious to me, but I don't think it is to her. I decided to write to her as my friend, who I want to help avoid getting manipulated into a relationship that will bring negativity into her life. She respects and listens to what I say and write. I like the advice in the book of being soft with the person but hit hard the issue.
We'll see what kind of response I get. We'll see if I can minimize her desire to rescue him or whatever she's being pulled into.
CL
Blcccccch!
You're being a FOOL. A weak, supplicating fool. NOT going to work.
Coach, I agree that he is being manipulative with my W, as I pointed out in the email to her. I will not be a bystander, and allow this behavior to continue without some response. You would have worded it differently. A real boundary is one that works, regardless of how it is acted or worded. We'll wait and see how she responds to my email. I like the way you worded your boundary, and may use a version of it in a future email.
I'm planning the words for my next email or conversation, so will consider your advice. At some point, I'll probably threaten going to an attorney. I believe in giving her every chance to cease the behavior--sleeping overnight or having him over. My guess is, I can get her to respect the boundaries--she has too much to lose.
My approach is to not focus on controlling her, to treat her with respect, and to focus on logical consequences to her behavior, and provide support to help resolve the problem.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I will not be a bystander, and allow this behavior to continue without some response.
But you did allow inappropiate behavior without any consequences being stated.
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We'll wait and see how she responds to my email.
Doesn't matter she already stepped out.
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and to focus on logical consequences to her behavior
Logic isn't going to work. Her feelings are guiding her, you need to lead. Your wife doesn't respect you. She sees you as weak - emotionally weak. Why would she be attracted to a man that would let his woman sleep with another man?
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I can get her to respect the boundaries--she has too much to lose.
Really, she just walked all over you. She really wanted you to stand up and fight for her -that's why she called to tell you what she was doing. Being a Nice Guy won't work.
How long has thing been going on in your M?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Lanzo says that the incident Saturday night (04/25/10) is a reality check. I agree. I will change my approach, but will probably fall short of the degree of boundary making needed. I'm new at this, so will probably fall short of what's needed at first.
As you predicted yourself, you are falling way short in the boundary making in your marriage.
Originally Posted By: Coach
A real boundary would have been, "I understand he is hurting and you want to help. I won't share my wife with another man, especially to spend the night. His problems are his problems it is not appropriate for you to get involved."
I agree with what coach is sayin here, this is an appropriate boundary.
I will not judge you becasue I am not "in your shoes"
And I am sorry I can not give you any constructive advice.
All I can say is..... Your wife spending the night was not right... and I FEEL a "In your face" full of dis respect for you. if you have set any boundaies they are made of straw buddy
I would like to add to Lanzo's A real boundary would have been, "I understand he is hurting and you want to help. I won't share my wife with another man, especially to spend the night. His problems are his problems it is not appropriate for you to get involved. Feel free to spend the night but if you do then plan on packing your things when you get home. I AM SO SORRY Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I'm not really qualified to give any advice nor do I mean to be judgemental. Honestly however, reading this made me think this:
If someone was stabbing me with a knife, I wouldn't be writing him/her an email sharing honestly how the bodily intrusion of a sharp foreign object into important parts of my physical body is likely to cause me serious harm.
Sorry. Based on your words I sense a deep rooted fear, and vacillation. Weakness on this scale is seldom rewarded wit hrespect. Just an honest opinion.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
