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Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
Setting them free is the key...
It will also begin to set YOU free...



Any thoughts?

I have heard many people say "I don't want to look back and say that I didn't try everything"


A fish poem.

There was nothing to do in Missoula. We went to school, read about evolution, hiked, and drank at the Iron Horse, or Rhino, fished. Easily 3 friends flunked out in fall or skipped Winter quarter for a long ski season, and who spent their nights tying flies and smoking. There were 12 of us in '91 hitching rides up to Snow Bowl. No problems. There was no problem getting a handful of buggers, nymphs or tinys for cost of materials and some beers.

Fly fishing was an addiction, or maybe a substitute for an addiction, or just a reason to walk along the river bank, but we did. Daily. Years worth of hours spent waist deep in the Blackfoot, wading, casting back and forth for trout, smelling of DEET and sweat and tobacco, thinking about GXE interactions, and philosophizing about the tree that fell in the woods that no one heard and changed the dynamics. The confidence interval in our equations. The fuzzy reason at the end of the chromosomes. The reason for those unmapped genes.

"The river ran through it." It ran through me. Became me. It was silent. Sometimes I just watched the flies hatch and began learning about life; then live a really strange existence. If they got too close, I caught them in a net and tried to memorize them. Some days, I just fished, but I was never really good at it. I could never imagine myself killing and eating another living creature. So, I usually fished left handed. Eventually caught one or two. I would reel them in real slowly. They would fight me. Its their nature.

If my wife is right they are souls that are young to this earth experiencing their way through the levels of existence. I don't know. To me they looked like underwater killing machines. Maybe they were angry, or jealous. Or I was weird to them so they stared at me funny. Sometimes I would get two wander by me. Always 2, underwater, handsome like two Italian hit men looking at my green "legs" in the water, from the corner of their eye. I was too big for food and moved about to much so shelter. If I looked one in the eye they would look away. I wasn't one of them.

I would reel them in real slowly, the fish. To me it was a game, to them it was their life. It mattered more to one of us. I handled them like I did my newborn daughter, gently, scared, lovingly, looked at them, let them go and said goodbye. I had a life that was so important to me and they had theirs. I realized I could never be as brave as them grasping at anything to survive. But I made decisions. Wise decisions. I just let them go, swim away. There was a reason for what they were doing, and so was I. Something bigger and better but still the same.

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That is a great post serenity. I was one that was going to wait for years for ex to come back. I realized tonight that I am better than she is. I have seen it, everyone has seen it, everyone, I just didn't want to accept it. I am done. I know that she will be on my doorsteps in a few months. Screw her. I am done. I am better than the hurt that she gave me. I am better than she is. She is a drug addict. I am a grad student. Why did I give a damn. It is still baffling.

Last edited by par4me; 07/18/10 06:31 AM.
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Originally Posted By: MakingProgress
Another thought: I think we use the term Walkaway Spouse/Wife to encompass more than it was intended to encompass. MWD described this as a particular syndrome and although DBing, or parts of DBing may be effective in many marriages in crises, WAW syndrome was not intended to describe every situation where a spouse wants to leave a marriage.


Sorry you lost me here. Why do you think this?

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Originally Posted By: LookingFrAnswers
Originally Posted By: MakingProgress
Another thought: I think we use the term Walkaway Spouse/Wife to encompass more than it was intended to encompass. MWD described this as a particular syndrome and although DBing, or parts of DBing may be effective in many marriages in crises, WAW syndrome was not intended to describe every situation where a spouse wants to leave a marriage.


Sorry you lost me here. Why do you think this?


Because Michelle Weiner Davis coined the term Walkaway Wife in describing a particular "syndrome," not any spouse that wants out of a marriage. Some wives leave because their husband is having an affair, has temper issues, drug addiction, etc. The WAW leaves because of a lack of connection, or at least the feeling that the connection is lost. Here is a link to MWD's article on the subject in Psychology today, though I know there is a similar article somewhere on this site.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome

Last edited by MakingProgress; 07/19/10 02:43 PM.
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Originally Posted By: CD Bear
Wow, other than John Gray I have them.

I had Gray's first book but years ago. Not sure if I still do.

Did "How to fix your marriage..." and enjoyed ot so much, lent it to my sister.

DR is how I got here!

I'll look for thr "Collide" one. I feel the same about Mr Gray. But I'll give it a look.

Thanks.


Here are some video's of John Gray explaining his book "Collide."

http://fora.tv/2008/02/11/John_Gray_Why_Mars_and_Venus_Collide

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Thanks.
I'll give it a look.
Appreciate this.

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So...how do you go about setting them free when you thought you did, they chose to stay and yet, still are not working on the R.

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Does your life revolve around him?
I hope it doesn't.

Can you continue living a great life even if he doesn't want to be in this kind of a relationship with you?
I hope you can.

Do these things, detach yourself from controlling the outcome of this situation, detach yourself from requiring him to be in a relationship with you. Where he lives is of little consequence and you can't control that, all you can control is living a great life for yourself.

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I have been reading on here since April and I guess its time to finally say something.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and seperated since March. I found out that she was having a EA that has now turned into a PA. I did the usual begging and everything else that drove her away even more.

Over the last week I have started letting go and I feel so much better. The only contact I have is dealing with our 3 kids. I always thought that it would kill me to let go but I am still alive...

I do love my wife but I now know that I will be fine without her. Since March I always made decisions with what she would think as my deciding factor. I now make them for me and my kids and my life is better because of it.

I still have moments when I want to break down but since I started to let go they dont happen as often. I finally realized that I dont want to be with someone who doesnt want me.

Thanks for all of the good advice on here.

Rich

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Quote:
I do love my wife but I now know that I will be fine without her. Since March I always made decisions with what she would think as my deciding factor. I now make them for me and my kids and my life is better because of it.

I still have moments when I want to break down but since I started to let go they dont happen as often. I finally realized that I dont want to be with someone who doesnt want me.



It is very difficult to get to this point but once you do you feel alive again.


Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
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