One of the things that I discoverd is the concept of co-dependence and how my reactions to my wife pushing my "hot buttons" was part of the problem in our relationship. When I stopped reacting in the usual way, she had to find a different way to "relate to/interact with" me.
YAH - I just realized recently that my H is ver codependent. He frequentl plays off of my emotions and too have tried to be careful how I react and respond to him. Are you finding success?
I think we are probably all codependent to some extent and some people know how to push our buttons better than others. I've been trying to read up on this and boundaries just recently.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
[quote].....I just realized recently that my H is ver codependent. He frequentl plays off of my emotions and too have tried to be careful how I react and respond to him. Are you finding success?
I think we are probably all codependent to some extent and some people know how to push our buttons better than others. I've been trying to read up on this and boundaries just recently.
LRT-Land;
Yes, I did find that by not getting sucked into a fight, that my wife really had to struggle and change her approach to things.
I feel that during the process of rebuilding our relationship that on some kind of subconscious level that she would often try to pick fights. Sometimes it was when she was feeling close to me and deep down she wanted the distance that my being angry with her and withdrawing would have resolved. Other times it was that she was testing boundaries to see what I would do.
I committed to myself to try to provide her unconditional love late last year so that she would feel deeply loved. (She may have seen things differently at the time.) I have worked on making her feel loved, but she has not always wanted that (I think it scared her for a while) and she has tested it. Now she seems to rely and count on my love, which has seemed to change things a lot.
When I thought that she tried to pick fights, it was very hard not to respond in anger. I have sometimes broken down (as recently as last month) and responded with anger, but usually I just realize that what (I think) she is doing is a test and that I can decided for myself what emotions I exhibit. That means I can either view what she is doing as what I think it really is and reach into the interpersonal relationship & communication skills I have learned over the past year.
When we were in counseling with our sex therapist, the therapist described some of the actions that my wife exhibited as being similar to a rebelious child. The therapist told me that I could either then assume the role of the "parent" and let my wife really act out as a rebelious child, or I could not play her game.
When the counselor told us that, it really "clicked" to me what I had been observing and doing prior to that insight. That is when I realized how I had also been part of our problem on a whole different level. Not only had I don't some things that hurt my wife (like not being there fore her with my time and my acts of devotion to her), but I had also been an active part in destructive interactions (one of the books I read called it destructive devil dances or something).
I hope this helps with some background. Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
That is very helpful. My H does seem like a rebelious child at these times and I don't want to be his parent. I have been much better since reading DR about not taking the bait, but I too have sometimes responded in anger. I know it is better not to fuel the fire, but sometimes the statements/actions are so outrageous it catches me offguard. I'm trying to train myself to count before responding.
Thanks for sharing.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Since you've got Passionate Marriage, you might want to re-read the sections about how one person's co-dependent issues inevitably mesh perfectly with the other partner's issues. Also, his explanations of learning to stand on your own would probably assist in not allowing your buttons to be pushed.
cyrena - I responded to you in my other message (thinking that was where y ou wrote this). I read PM several years ago but will have to pick it up again. That sounds helpful. Thanks -
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
