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lea123 #2094169 10/23/10 10:10 AM
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I've booked my flights! I'm off to Perth on the 11th November. I feel a little nervous about starting somewhere again but it'll be exciting.

Well, I think I have moved a step forward in the me/ Joe saga. I realised that throughout the whole time we were dating in my head I was sure there was something wrong with me and that it was only a matter of time before he realised that. I was waiting for him to walk away and panicking that he would so that is why I took it *so* personally when he pulled away. I had a long conversation with Lisa and chatted through what was actually wrong with me - clearing the wood from the trees.

I spent last night just relaxing and making myself chill out and I decided to just be normal, instead of trying to be cool with him or second guess what was going on. He came home at about 12.00 from work and I went downstairs to say hello. We actually had a rare moment together. I didn't initiate any relationship talk, it came out naturally that basically what was wrong was that he was exhausted, he works very long hours on his feet and ends up sleeping during the day. He told me that he was just so tired all the time so I stood up and gave him a hug just because he looked like he needed one. We hugged for ages and then he pulled me onto his lap and we just hugged more. When I pulled away he said 'I didn't tell you to let go yet' smile

Then the inevitable, people came and joined us *rolling my eyes*. This morning I cooked breakfast for him and another guy as we rotate cooking breakfast and he was so appreciative and told me I was amazing. All my assumptions were wrong about what was going on and it feels so reassuring that what he was doing (in what I thought was pulling back etc) was actually nothing to do with me or who I am.

I've decided to just enjoy the next 3 weeks taking all pressure off myself, and him and keep everything in my life casual - Joe, work, the people at the hostel. It also felt good to make the decision about where I am going next rather than waiting on someone else, I am following my own plan again and if he or I's plan entertwine then it is meant to be and if not then I have learnt so much.


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JCJ #2094170 10/23/10 10:20 AM
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Lea,

Thank you so much for your reply! We can't email off here unfortunately unless you are in the alt...

I wondered how you handled your any irrational panics that you might have had when you started dating other people and how you framed any new relationships in your head - the expectations you had of them.

I just have this panic that if I am myself then the person will go off me and leave. I guess because I am quite a caring/ giving person and I feel like some of the reason exh went off me was because I nursed him when he was ill, but that aspect of my personality I can't seem to help! Also all the dating books say you should be cool, let them pursue you etc etc.

Opps I have to get off the computer...

Thanks Lea


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JCJ #2094440 10/24/10 03:04 AM
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Well, it all came to a head last night.

We were out and he did the same thing of ignoring me again and keeping me hanging around. As we walked back I can't really remember how it came up but I basically said that I didn't ask for much, just to be treated with a bit of respect. He replied that he hadn't done this before and didn't know what to do. He said it wasn't working out in Australia for us to which I agreed. At that point he said to me not to say that and held my hand. We got interupted by some guys from his work and we went and sat on a bench. He was being really weird and spoiling for a fight with one of the guys so I walked off.

I had a little cry and he saw that I had been crying and we went and sat outside. We had a real heart-to-heart about how much we liked each other, about how our paths were just different at the moment and I got to explain to him how his ignoring me made me feel. He apologised and was nearly crying and said he hadn't realised how it had made me feel. We said how amazing each other was and he said he had learnt so much from me and that I was his best ever friend (who was a girl!). I told him how much he had done for me too. He said wanted to end it now because there was no point putting off the inevitable because he knew the person that would be left behind (him) was going to get really hurt.

We hugged and cuddled till dawn and I told him I would be leaving Port asap, there was no point hanging around pro-longing everything. So we said our goodbyes and hugged and hugged. This morning I saw him and he didn't look at me and barely spoke to me.

So, I have reorganised my flights to Perth and am going on Wednesday. I am leaving Port tomorrow and going to Cairns to chill out for a few days.

Next chapter to commence... I'm a bit scared!


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JCJ #2094449 10/24/10 03:21 AM
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(((((Julia)))))
Don't be scared, be excited!

I think it was perfect, really, even if it doesn't feel it. I think you needed a bit of a "no commitment" fling. And I don't think he is anywhere near ready to give a commitment.

It was a graceful as the ending could be, parting on as good of terms as you could.

Have fun in Cairns. And then in Perth! You are having a trip that lots of us wish we could have!

HUGS!

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What Jeff said.

No breakup is easy. You should be proud that you helped him to grow some. This travel experience is amazing even if you dont see it right now.

I spent a few days in Cairns. I saw the movie "Forrest Gump" there in the theater.

smith18 #2094480 10/24/10 06:21 AM
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(((Jeff))) (((Kerry)))

Thanks guys. I guess it was a good ending, I feel a little sad but at the same time a little excited - as endings should be.

I'm glad I was able to express a little how his actions had made me a feel at a time when he was open to listening, had I done it any other time he wouldn't have 'heard' and it would have come off as whineing or nagging.

It's so funny because I have no stability at the moment or a more conventional life plan and my whole body is screaming for it. Someone described what happened to me (us all) as a snow globe. Everything was solid and settled and then everything got shook up and all the bits and pieces come slowly floating to the bottom again. I quite liked that analogy. I know I should be embraceing this time, and honestly most of the time I am and loving it, just sometimes it would be nice to have the stability of sharing responsibility with someone else.

P.S - I know it sounds like I chose to go out with a bit of a loser and the qualities I have described here sound loserish but he really was a great guy. So funny and sweet and had a real honest quality which I just loved.


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JCJ #2094880 10/25/10 11:42 AM
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Well, today I left Port Douglas. It was much better than I thought it was going to be as some of the guys hired a car and drove me to Cairns and we spent the day here together and settled me into my hostel and stuff. It wasn't like I just had to get the bus on my own and then wander round feeling sad all day. They've just left me now so I feel a little unsure and lonely. It was just like a family there, they were all so sad to see me go.

Just before I went Joe came up to me and asked if we could go for a walk. We walked down to the beach and just hugged and hugged, at his initiation. It was very hard to walk away but I know it is the best thing. Sometimes making grown up decisions are so boring!!! But I know it is much better this way. After he went off for a walk on the beach, I think in the end he was properly gutted to see me go. I'm going to miss him and all the other people there but I am meeting up with a couple I made friends with there for Christmas so it is really nice to have plans for then.

I feel all vulnerable and on my own!! I'm sure it'll pass by tomorrow but it is just a weird feeling to be out of the comfort zone.


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JCJ #2094881 10/25/10 11:46 AM
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have you been up to Kuranda Julia? That's a nice thing to do when you're around Cairns.

dolphin_05 #2094973 10/25/10 02:14 PM
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(((((((((Julia)))))))))))

Safe travels!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

mishka422 #2095342 10/25/10 09:23 PM
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That sounds like a nice ending. Sad, but you are just in different places in your lives and travels. It sounds like you both learned a lot, which is always great.

I'm sure in a couple days you will be making new friends and all settled in.

(((Julia)))

Enjoy!


Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09
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