Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 43 1 2 3 42 43
#2023723 06/20/10 02:46 AM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 664
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 664
My other thread in the A section has died down. After battling a second wave of an EA (same OM) I felt it was now appropriate to move my sitch her again (hopefully for the last time).

I won't go much into the back story but rather I want to point out progress made since our sitch began and where we are today.

THEN: W barely spoke to me and would come home from work and sleep all day til I left for work.
NOW: W and I interact more and have conversations.

THEN: W did not want to do anything with me, would much rather stay at home and do nothing or have nothing to do with me.
NOW: W has come around more recently, we do things together often and go places.

THEN: W would threaten nearly everyday that one day she is leaving and separation and divorce is inevitable
NOW: W does not threaten. W talks and does as if she is staying but has provided no affirmation.

When our sitch began W wanted to have nothing to do with our marriage that as far as she was concerned "It's already over" and to her "Marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper"

Two weeks ago W approached me about having a house warming/birthday party (for/at the house she intends to leave) for her and invite all of her family (but just her family). For the past two weeks I have witnessed my W take more initiative and invest time and money into our home than she has since we first purchased our home.

In the past two weeks I have witnessed W warm up to the thought of our marriage. Up to this point W did not want to remember anything to do with our marriage to her it was all a "mistake." W has now pulled out decor, cards, gifts from our wedding. Some of which she has put up on shelves in our home. W has not fully opened up but she has more so than ever before during our sitch.

I know it can have everything to do with the party we are planning and I am not overlooking that possibility, so if this is some "game" she is playing she is doing a great job at it but then again why would she invest the time, effort and money just to still walk out the door?

In the past if I made any future reference about our home,M, R with the assumption that W and I would still be together W would immediately dismiss the comment and make sure I knew she was still plan on leaving. For the past few weeks we have had conversations that assumed a future between us with no such negative comments

We have come a long way in our sitch in the past 5 months but there still is a lot of uncertainty and many areas of our R that need improvement especially in the communication department.

Here are my past threads:

Thread 1

thread 2

Thread 3


M: 27, W: 25
Together since: 01/31/00
M: 10/4/09 (8 Months)
ILBNILWY: 01/24/10
EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted).
Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10
Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
OIN,

"Died down"?? You got over 7,000 views and over 600 responses, just on the last thread alone. What is it you're looking for, by keeping on switching between the two forums? Someone to tell you what you want to hear?

I could care less about my own knucklehead advice, but this is the second time (at least) that you've done this, and it just strikes me as rude of you toward the few of people like Allen and CityGirl and TimeHeals and Sandi who have taken SO much time and posted SO much excellent advice to you.

Puppy

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 664
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 664
Major exposure today that could be open to interpenetration.

I sat and thought about our sitch some today while W was at work. I thought about how recently W uses sounds to communicate with me rather than words sometimes. I was encouraged to call W out whenever she did this, and I did for the most part expressing how I found it disrespectful and not healthy for a relationship. I would wait for the opportunity for me to call my W out on the way she spoke to me or a lack thereof, that it began to consume me, I started to take it very personal. I think I said it enough times at this point for my W to know the point I was making and now it is up to her to make the change, I will just have to "stomach" it for now and if it starts to get worse then call her out on it (It is not as bad as it use to be)


W came home from work, she told me a few stories about things that happened at work, then W went upstairs and I remained downstairs continuing my home repairs.

W and I had a few conversations that went south quick so rather than have the situation escalate I walked away.

W and I had planned to go out to the town she grew up where they were filming an independent horror film and see what it was all about.

On the way out there W wanted to stop by and see FIL who was working on the house my W will be moving into (so she said in the past). FIL greeted us with smiles and showed us what he had done. Took W and I up to "her apartment" to show off a rug he purchased. W commented on the rug but did not hint that she would be the one living there. FIL nor W said made any implications about W moving there.

Eventually we all went down to the movie set where we stood and watched for a little bit.

And then it happened....

Female co-worker of my W comes walking by and greets my W, W then introduces me to her. Co-worker walks away but eventually makes her way back over then she said to me "So are you exciting about moving soon?" I looked at this woman with a extremely questionable face without replying then I looked over and my W who was shaking her head 'NO' to co-worker and then co-worker asked "So you guys are not moving?" W just kept shaking her head no and co-worker then said "Darn that stinks I was looking forward to car pooling to work"

Once co-worker walked away all I could do is smile and look straight ahead.

W then said "She must had thought we were moving when I told her I was moving a while back" then went on to say "I asked her how long it took for her to get to work from out here and she came up with the idea of car pooling ect.."

After W did not say anything about moving out she just carried on as if that convo did not happen.

a few min later W TOLD me to go take a picture and I looked at her...W then said PLEASE with a pissy attitude. SO I then handed back the camera. W said "I am not a little kid, I don't need to be told what to say" I replied "It is not my intention to tell you what you should or should not say, we are adults and WE as adults should demonstrate common courtesy to one another." W then replies "Sometimes I do things on purpose to see how you will react to them."

After she said that (which I consider a slip up on her part) I got a new perspective on our sitch.

W and I headed home and I said "I am not talking down to you, I just think we can have more enjoyable conversations and greater interactions if we just learned to communicate with each other better" W said nothing in return, point made and I left it at that.

We got home had descent conversations and W went to bed.


M: 27, W: 25
Together since: 01/31/00
M: 10/4/09 (8 Months)
ILBNILWY: 01/24/10
EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted).
Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10
Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 664
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 664
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
OIN,

"Died down"?? You got over 7,000 views and over 600 responses, just on the last thread alone. What is it you're looking for, by keeping on switching between the two forums? Someone to tell you what you want to hear?

I could care less about my own knucklehead advice, but this is the second time (at least) that you've done this, and it just strikes me as rude of you toward the few of people like Allen and CityGirl and TimeHeals and Sandi who have taken SO much time and posted SO much excellent advice to you.

Puppy


Whoa did not mean to offend you nor anyone else. The thread was in the infidelity section of the forum, the last week or so of posts were off topic of infidelity and more of core DBing so I thought it was only appropriate to continue in the proper section. Allen A said himself that he is not the best when it comes to DB that his specialty is affair busting.

My first thread was locked so then I moved to this section, then I learned about part 2 of the EA so I went back to the appropriate forum (A section) and started a new thread and likewise here.

I truly appreciate ALL the advice everyone has given me up to this point and it has ALL been a tremendous help I meant no harm when I said "died down" but I was referring to the EA part itself not the advice.

I made the wrong choice of words and maybe a wrong choice by moving my sitch back to this forum.


BTW I am not looking for any other advice from what I have received. I just thought it would help our sitch if I kept those who provided me with the advice with updates.

Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 06/20/10 03:27 AM.

M: 27, W: 25
Together since: 01/31/00
M: 10/4/09 (8 Months)
ILBNILWY: 01/24/10
EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted).
Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10
Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
Gotcha.

Puppy

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 92
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 92
Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed
"Sometimes I do things on purpose to see how you will react to them."





This is what I was talking about in your previous thread. This, to me, is just a byproduct of your previous controlling behavior. She's basically rebelling and making a point to push your buttons so she can stand up to you. I think you're doing well. Don't engage her in an argument over this. Continue to affirm that you really want a better partnership and communication in the future. I personally think you're out of the woods. I would continue to treat her well and with respect and continue to require her to do the same.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 664
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 664
Originally Posted By: CanadianKid
Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed
"Sometimes I do things on purpose to see how you will react to them."





This is what I was talking about in your previous thread. This, to me, is just a byproduct of your previous controlling behavior. She's basically rebelling and making a point to push your buttons so she can stand up to you. I think you're doing well. Don't engage her in an argument over this. Continue to affirm that you really want a better partnership and communication in the future. I personally think you're out of the woods. I would continue to treat her well and with respect and continue to require her to do the same.


Thanks for the reply.

Yeah I just don't know how to handle it. She is a smart woman and knows what she is doing. She has done a lot of button pushing, mainly in the form of communication and the other being lack of affection.

If I react then W proves a point if I don't react then our communication suffers. If I call W out on disrespect then to her I am reacting and point proven. W does not see this as a "respect" thing but more as me being controlling.

Communication has improved but there are times when W throws in the occasional "umm hmm", "hmmm" and all that and I had a feeling it was intentional but was unsure how to respond. I know she gets my point and moving forward I will let it ride unless it is extreme.

giving the developments in the past 3 weeks it is hard to imagine W still leaving the home. Today W and I brought some of her grandmothers things home that FIL found in the old house he is fixing up. W and I plan to incorporate them somehow in our home/garden.

W also purchased a coffee maker so when FIL comes and visits (something FIL suggested we did long ago way before sitch began).

I want to start building with W but unsure how to approach it. I would like to start being affectionate again. Is it too much right now to try and hold W's hand and see what her reaction might be? I have a feeling she might test me and reject it, that is why I am so hesitant to try. I know this seems so small compared to other sitches but somehow we need to break through our current state and move forward.


M: 27, W: 25
Together since: 01/31/00
M: 10/4/09 (8 Months)
ILBNILWY: 01/24/10
EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted).
Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10
Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,531
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,531
I say try holding her hand, and if she reacts negatively, tell her, "Sometimes I do things on purpose to see how you will react to them", and smile.

Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
Originally Posted By: Lotus
I say try holding her hand, and if she reacts negatively, tell her, "Sometimes I do things on purpose to see how you will react to them", and smile.


Niiiiiice. smirk

Puppy

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 92
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 92
Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed
Originally Posted By: CanadianKid
Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed
"Sometimes I do things on purpose to see how you will react to them."





This is what I was talking about in your previous thread. This, to me, is just a byproduct of your previous controlling behavior. She's basically rebelling and making a point to push your buttons so she can stand up to you. I think you're doing well. Don't engage her in an argument over this. Continue to affirm that you really want a better partnership and communication in the future. I personally think you're out of the woods. I would continue to treat her well and with respect and continue to require her to do the same.


Thanks for the reply.



If I react then W proves a point if I don't react then our communication suffers.


I don't think this is totally true. What I mean is don't act negatively or engage in a power struggle. You were in a relationship with an unhealthy balance of power, now, because she threatened to leave, the balance of power has shifted. Everything you say should reflect your desire for equality.

Page 1 of 43 1 2 3 42 43

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard