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If you read my sitch below, you'll see the ups and downs and now the craziness that's set in. I'm well aware of the mistakes I've made, although I don't feel that H's actions were/are justified one bit.

I need help. I am ashamed to say that I'm still torn.

In my heart, I don't want a D.. but what other choice do I have? My H hates me. He has gone to a L and wants the D (athough I'm still waiting to be served)

H has made up his mind and he strongly feels that his R with OW and the baby she is carrying (which may be his) has nothing to do with our M. He thinks it has nothing to do with the fact he doesn't want to be with me and wants nothing to do with me. How can I make him realize that he is wrong?

I know I need to work on me.

Just need any help.

I'm devastated but trying to be strong. Can you help?


M: 32
H: 34
S:5
D: 3
D: 1
Together 11 years
Married 7
Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off)
ILYBINILWY: 08/09

"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting."
-Laura Munson
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hi time- firstly, just want to give you a big hug for the crud you are going through- my heart goes out to you. I have read a bit of your sitch, but not everything, so I apologize if I'm missing anything critical. Why are you ashamed that you are still torn? Just because someone treats you like dirt doesn't mean you stop loving that person. First off, accept your feelings as valid. Secondly, I really believe that there's one path for you right now, and that makes it easy! You have to go dark. GAL. Why? What you are doing right now isn't work. He has made his feelings perfectly clear- he says he doesn't want you in his life, let him see what that really means! (if you love something, let it go...etc, etc.) And, if the scumbag (who you still love, understandably) doesn't come crawling back to your door, it won't be such a big deal because you will be living your life. Show some respect for yourself, honor yourself, and stop holding your breath, because he ain't gonna. Don't give yourself a hard time for wanting everything to work out, just accept that the only person you can change is yourself. Be the best you that you can be for YOU, and focus on other things for now. Be good to yourself.


Me 28
H 34
M 3yrs
D 10/12/2010

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...526#Post2088526

"He was powerful and I died of love in his shadow."
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As much as all of this hurts (and it is debilitating) there really is nothing you can do to MAKE him realize he is wrong.

All you can do is become the best you that you can be. For you and for your children. Become the best you for your present and future.

My H had an affair, left me out of the clear blue, I lost my biggest client and almost lost my business, I became VERY ill, was diagnosed with a situational panic disorder and went through a legal battle that was hell. My H drained our funds, took our vehicle and was beyond awful. I almost lost my house twice. My H almost lost his job (where he has worked for 13 years and is in a very senior position) because of the OW. Sometimes there is nothing you can do but focus on you. Of course I am the better option but I am not a hot 25yo redhead that is willing to hop in the sack with a married man because he makes an impressive salary.

Your H doesn't hate you. Your H hates the fact that his affair isn't quite as easy as he thought. He hates the fact he will have severe consequences for his actions. He hates the fact his plan of a simple and easy "even" divorce will not come to fruition. He hates the fact that you (in his eyes) are the obstacle to his happiness. He hates the circumstances HE created but I bet he doesn't hate you.

It would be nice of strength was sold in bottles so we could take a few doses and be on our way. I was at the bottom of the bottom and each day I know I can do this and get a little stronger. So can you and we will cheer you on while you do.

People that have affairs might look good on the "outside". They might have good jobs and decent families and all of that but deep inside they are broken. Busted and broken. We can support an individual when they are broken and encourage them in their journey but we can't fix them.

As much as it hurts (and my H was the worse and nothing short of emotionally and verbally abusive) all of the crap they say is just that. Crap. The gaslighting, blameshifting and everything else that cheaters must embrace is not you.

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(((Time))) I've read some of your sitch and my heart goes out to you. I agree with Sosadny and City Girl.

First go dark and GAL. The crap he is spewing about his R with the OW not having anything to do with your M and that he hates you is BS! He is telling this because he knows it makes you feel bad and it hurts and it makes him feel better about the mess hes made. He doesn't hate you, but its easier to force you to be the one to end things so he won't have to be responsible for the ending in his own eyes.

His nonsense is not doing you any good and unless or until you aren't there for him to emotionally abuse anymore he won't begin to get it together. I wish I would have listened to all of the people on these boards that gave me similar advice when I was going though my sitch. Suffice it to say that we have many things in common and looking back I wish that I would have let H deal with his mess by himself. I put myself and my kids through a lot of extra grief and pain because I tried to be his "friend" and I thought if I went dark that he would be gone for good.

If you want to see what NOT to do, go back and read my sitch and then just do the opposite of what I did.

My biggest advice is to protect yourself & your kids financially, get into IC and C for the kids and then go out and rediscover yourself and build your life the way you want it. If things work out, he can join you and you can build a life together. If they don't then you can be or do what it is that makes you happy and fulfilled. Either way, its a win for you.

This isn't about you and what or how you did or didnt do something to cause this. Your H chose this and the train-wreck that this sitch is was completely created by him and his poor choices. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I remember feeling like you do and if I am able to spare you a moments pain, I will.

I will come back to check on you and if you need any support, I'll be here for you.

((((hugs))))


M:39
H:39
K:S14;D8
T:22yr
M:15yrs
S:12/28/07 EA/PA
3/14/08 OW preg
11/17/08 born
12/12/08 his
~~~~~~~
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option


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Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

It's amazing how 24-48 hours makes a difference in any situation.

I am def going to GAL and am only going to speak with him if it concerns the kids and finances.


M: 32
H: 34
S:5
D: 3
D: 1
Together 11 years
Married 7
Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off)
ILYBINILWY: 08/09

"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting."
-Laura Munson
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,371
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((Time))

Just wanted to stop by and check on you. I know its hard and I'm praying for you.

S&S


M:39
H:39
K:S14;D8
T:22yr
M:15yrs
S:12/28/07 EA/PA
3/14/08 OW preg
11/17/08 born
12/12/08 his
~~~~~~~
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option



Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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