Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,118
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,118
Hi Lilac,

I loved the title of this thread, so I just had to post. I've done online dating a few times too, but my experiences haven't been so bad.

I do spend a lot of time getting to know them first. And ... I'm like klm ...I pick the ones I have something in common with. If I don't like them, I don't do a second date. If they are mean, controlling or, in any way just weird, I don't do a second date. I always meet in a neutral locale.

Oh and for the record, there is one "guy" on DB who is not a nice person, who made terrible, mean comments about someone (I won't say who - but you know who you are) last year, and then did it again to someone else.

My advice? Take it slow and easy. Don't expect too much and don't hurt anyone. Try to laugh and smile -- that's all anyone can ask for. If you can't at least do that, it's time to tell him you won't be moving forward with the friendship/relationship.

cheers,
poet


Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,544
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,544
Quote:
My advice? Take it slow and easy. Don't expect too much and don't hurt anyone. Try to laugh and smile -- that's all anyone can ask for. If you can't at least do that, it's time to tell him you won't be moving forward with the friendship/relationship.

Well put poet.


Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 67
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 67
I find online dating a waste of time and money. I have had three dates. All of them were patently dishonest.


Me: 47
Pet: Kind labrador, 12 years old. Best Friend anybody could have.

Divorce final 12/07/07
No Kids

It is no longer about the divorce or about her. It's all about how I live my life now.
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,831
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,831
Lilac,
This is a great idea for a thread. And excellent posts so far.

My thoughts:
Originally Posted By: lilac
..."OMG I need to date again"?
My approach, for now, is "No, I don't need to date." I expect to want to again at some point, but need? I believe need is a bad reason for me to do anything. But I am not relationship-ready, as they say, by any means, yet. Everyone here has heard me say ad nauseam that I am going to live my life and see who shows up. That said, I have been breaking out of my life-long below-the-radar comfort zone and noticing women (and their ring finger, their bearing, eyes, attitude, vibe, etc.) and striking up conversations pretty much anywhere and everywhere. Talk about a (scary) 180! But it's been fun. And a confidence-builder each and every time.
Originally Posted By: lilac
Where have all the nice fellows gone? And those that are around where do you find them?
Maybe this is where we can really help each other on this thread. I asked the women on Newcomers this question once and got the same answer from two or three -dance classes. I have begun, and having fun talking to, holding, dancing with women but could use some other ideas on "where have all the nice women gone?"
Originally Posted By: whatisis
Right here, on the DB board!
Originally Posted By: KerryK
We are all the discarded nice guys here on DB board.
I've often said that values-wise, determination, selflessness, and damn-near-human nobility are all over these boards and we should be dating each other! smile whistle

My instinct has been to plan to stay off the dating sites. Horror stories I've heard elsewhere - and the comments on this thread - have only served to affirm that instinct.

Thanks again for a great thread. I look forward to following it, learning and chiming in.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 48
lilac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 48
Thanks all for the sharp, witty, and funny posts! I am in double dilemna that within the past three months I relocated from MA to San Francisco. While I was comfortable with where I could hang out in MA, the new locale has a couple of times proved seedy. There was the neighborhood bar someone said I should go experience. I went on Tuesday to check it out, just to see if I would be comfortable, since I am not all that much into the bar scene. Sat up the bar (had a book just in case) ordered a glass of wine. They only served beer and some hard stuff. Okay I order a vodka and tonic. THey had no lime. This was about 6. Another 30 minutes and the whole vibe of the place changed. At one point I had 4 drinks lined up in front of me from people who would like to get know the "classy" lady. Not my place at all! They will send you a drink but no one comes up to introduce themselves.

I keep myself plenty busy and perhaps on the off-chance you might meet the nice guy at the grocery trying to determine what is cilantro vs parsley, I always shower and do my hair before going out. Gone are those days off running out on a Saturday morning with a baseball cap.

It will get better I know! All those months of working "on myself" to heal and move on. How is that one flirt from someone at singlesnet, you send the email, but they never respond. And you are immediatly plunged back to the depths of low self-esteem (if only for a minute!). How have I left myself once again become so dependent on a male's interaction--LOL. I so know better!

KerryK-loved the analogy to the Island of Misfit Toys. Are we all considered leftovers now? I had one email respondent who said in his profile he was over the magic age, although he listed age at 48. We went back and forth a couple of times on email and I finally asked him what he meant by the magic age. He told me that as a woman if you post 50 as your age, no one looks at your profile. I think from now on I will be 29+ 15.

I think we could have a lot of fun and potentially learn from posts here. Keep them coming!


Lilac
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 5,992
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 5,992
I just turned 50 - if my profile becomes visible again I wonder if any women will look.

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,757
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,757
How did you meet your former spouse?

Most of the time -- accidentally.

I suspect it's the same now.

The problem with the hereinow -- at least in my point-of-view -- is expectations. At 24, I didn't expect to meet someone who would become my "wife." And I held that status at arm's-length for a goodly period of time. So it was just, you know, whatevah.

Now, at 4-ahem-cough-cough-a-hem-hem-hem! (*sorry, something caught in my throat, just let me get a sip here*)....

...what was I saying?

Oh, yeah. Now there's the problem of expectations. In my case, unlike STBX's case apparently, zippidy-doo-dah flash-bangs aren't really at the top of my to-do list. I'm old-fashioned, I guess; I at least want to know the woman's name.

So naturally every check-the-alarm-clock-for-the-third-time-and-turn-out-the-light moment is also an opportunity to lament, "Ah gad anudder day gone by" -- whereas at 24 I was, of course, going to live forever and remain ever-impervious to shot and shell, so the occasional dry spell wasn't particularly vexatious. Just gave me more time to watch the game with the lads down the pub.

As in so much about DB'ing, it's them expectations what gets ya.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 346
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 346
I've used internet dating a good few times. Met my WAW on it, although as the "gay in the village" the chances of bumping into a special someone at the grocery store are significantly less.

My advice for it is to choose carefully, msg and talk on the phone for a shorter period of time and meet quickly. Dragging it out merely leads to larger expectations and a bigger fall when they're not who they say. And think carefully about distance. Decide how far you will travel for what reason. I personally wouldn't be driving more than a couple of hours for someone I was seriously entertaining the thought of relationship with - I don't really like long distance stuff, it is really tough to do with the shifts that I work. And as I'm really not a "playing the field" kind of girl, I don't waste time on people further away.

On the upside, I've made lots of good friends via online dating and met 2 long term partners, with no really unpleasant meetings. Some dates of course I chose not to repeat, but if you go in with low expectations sometimes you're positively surprised.

Good luck!


Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,945
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,945
Originally Posted By: lilac
Gone are those days off running out on a Saturday morning with a baseball cap.


Hey, don't toss out the cap! I for one find a woman with a pony tail sticking out the back of a baseball cap pretty darn sexy. grin

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,757
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,757
Ditto on the pony tail. A vastly underappreciated element of Teh Sexee.

At the risk of seeming a hopeless romantic,

Once in a while,
Two people meet.
Seemingly for no reason,
They just pass on the street.
Suddenly thunder, showers everywhere.
Who can explain the thunder and rain?
But there's something in the air.


I think there's trying-too-hard to be attended to, as well. Instead of "I can't, because...", "I can't, because...", "I can't, because...", why not reframe the question in terms of How -- "How might I...?"

Is there a Parents Without Partners chapter near you?

Is there a yoga studio with child care? (You might not meet men there, but you would likely meet women who know men.)

Is there a [___] team organized by the hospital? Leukemia Team-in-Training, bowling, skee-ball?

How constructions are usually much more productive than Why constructions, at least in my experience. Why questions seldom have answers. How questions at least impose order on chaos.

Page 2 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard