I gave up...filed for D

[Onthemountaintop]

He came telling me, "mom dad finally answered me" with a smile on his face. He doesn't know it's because I told his dad how terrible that it was for him to not respond so then probably out of guilt - he does. This is the stuff that is tearing me up. I see my kids feel so abandoned by their dad.

I'm now separated, and while my kids are with me during weekend days, I also feel I'm abandoning them. I wish I could say I never thought it, but I did/do think that maybe my Ws attacks on me are justified and that I need to step out of their lives more than in.

So far the thing that always pulls me back isn't the guilt, it is the love of my kids for me that they express in small ways and comments.

Your H has done some stuff that you've had a lot of problems dealing with. I can't imagine how hard it was, but in many ways, that was the past. Now with court days coming up, you and him alike are probably both feeling like you need to defend or attack, but your kids aren't. Your son's comment says it all. Do you remember earlier this year how it was your daughter's rough turn? But, your mothering helped them make it through.

Now, your son got your help. But in truth, isn't that parenting? Enjoy your success in helping your husband reach out for his son...your children and he both need that to build stability for your kids. Stability for them will be for you, too (EVENTUALLY!!).

[luvless]

I'm sorry you and Mrs O didn't make it - I thought you might have pulled through.

Please don't EVER step out on your children's lives...seriously. Do not ever think that way! Your children need a father no matter what is going on between you and your wife/x.

Ya know O - I really thought you were changing...I saw you (at first) kind of a cold man...I saw you progress into a more caring man and I thought your wife was seeing that. I'm so sorry you guys are now separated.

I don't think of what my stbxH has done in the "past" as the past. I think of it just as what it is. It makes me ill. I do not feel the need to attack but I will defend me and my kids - we didn't deserve this - we didn't ask for this - he did. He will get what he wants - a single and free life with no responsibility...I'll gladly take it...my kids' love and respect is WORTH it.

Luv

[Onthemountaintop]

He will get what he wants - a single and free life with no responsibility...I'll gladly take it...my kids' love and respect is WORTH it.

Thanks for your encouragement...

The culture around divorce for men is different than women I think. Maybe that is why I feel like my M failures mean that my kids are now more hers than mine, even though she's the one looking for the "freedom" of divorce. Her comments telling me that I destroyed her life set that feeling in stone...until I break it lose and realize how incorrect that is.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter how bad your H has been, for him to be involved, he needs that encouragement you gave by reminding him to email your son. It would be ideal if all men regardless of our baggage were made to feel that their "old" family was still theirs, less the x-wife.
That just isn't the case...court cases and fear do a good job, as does custody issues. I feel like giving up on joint custody already, and we're just in mediation, because I simply can't afford it (although my W would have extra money).

Of course I shouldn't "need" encouragement, and your H may not deserve it for not owning up to his responsibility in the likely D, but for your kids sake...keep doing it.

Thanks again!

[luvless]

You are welcome OTMT - still I am sorry about your sitch.

I wanted to come here and post what's happened today. My former husband texts our kids that he is moving to another state...nice huh? Let me not make him out to be such a bad person - he did warn them last week when he saw them ya know? That his position at work may change. I'm sure he knew long before last week about this move. Also he will be taking a significant pay cut. This person has an amazing resume and an MBA but he can't get a job in California where his kids live? I guess his whorefriend lives there or she is moving with him and that's where this is all coming from - remember our big court date is coming next month too. Atty requesting more support, tuition, and legal fees.

All I have to say is I haven't cried this hard in a while. I am so broken hearted for our kids. You should have seen their face when they told me. My boys both shook their head. Here is the second time he will abandon them. I left to pick up my daughter from school. She is especially hurt (as usual) she says to me as she gets in the car, "do you know what's going on with dad? I reply, yeah I know....(trying to keep looking straight ahead so she can't see I had been crying) she says, "so he is moving away just like that?...why is he doing this?" I just told her how sorry I was

When we got home I just locked myself in my room because I couldn't dare face them. I had planned on making a nice dinner but I just couldn't. We are all hurt - each one of us in our own corner. I come out of the room and can see my older son from a distance - I know that face when he is hurting. I walk by my daughter's room and she is on her bedroom floor texting with a frown and playing that damn sad music - ugh I hate that. My younger one drowns himself into his video games - earlier it was his guitar. He says he likes to play the guitar extra loud when he's upset.

I'm not looking for sympathy I just wanted to write this stuff down so I can come back later on and ask myself why did I let this man have so much power over my feelings?

Please pray for me and the kids. We're all just a little tired of being sucker punched.

Luv

[alice444]

((((Luv)))) I am SO sorry this is happening to your kids and that you have to watch them go through this. WTF. Is his company making cutbacks or something?? Really, another state? Is it at least next to ours? His priorities are WAY screwed up and I don't even know how you try to explain this to your kids- and that he sends this in a TEXT? I know there must have once been a kind, strong, loving man under there or you'd never have married him and stayed this long. The alien has come out with his full colors, though (like mine), and I guess we'll never understand the reasons they do what they do. Yours just keeps inflicting new heights of pain, though. I am so sorry. You don't deserve this, you deserve a break from him and his crap.

I am sending good, strong thoughts down south to you tonight Luv. Do your crying, then when you're ready, pick yourself up and dust yourself off and continue to be the strong woman you've been for those kids. Even if it doesn't feel 100% true right now on the inside, the brave but honest face you have on for them and your love is getting them through this- I have to believe that our mom strength and love can overcome a LOT. Not that it should have to, but... trust that just by your consistent presence in their lives, it will eventually help soothe the hurt he's causing them.

((((Luv))))

[40andsadintexas]

The culture around divorce for men is different than women I think. Maybe that is why I feel like my M failures mean that my kids are now more hers than mine, even though she's the one looking for the "freedom" of divorce.

Why not lawyer up and fight for at least 50-50 split with your kids?

[luvless]

Hi guys,

I'm stopping by for a quick update. I'm doing as well as I can. I was so sad when I found out soon to be X was leaving the state but I'm a little better now. I guess I have no choice right?

The kids remain disappointed and upset but I try to keep the environment here as normal as possible. We still do everything we used to do except there is one person missing.

It was his birthday last week and he text my best friend something like "you don't love me or care about me or my life anymore?" he must have been drunk - it figures. My friends and family all would call or text him and he got none of that this year. I guess his whorefriend just wasn't enough.

My court date is coming up in 3 weeks and I'm stressed about it. I am in no mood to see that stranger or deal with him.

Luv

[luvless]

Hello,

I'm just stopping by to journal. I've had some peaceful days mixed in with some sadness that comes out of nowhere. At this point I'm doing much better than I thought. It's been a little over 5 mos since my former husband moved out.

I've been focusing on keeping my house organized and spending quality time with the kids. We do small things like cook dinner together and talk in the living room at night. It's something we all used to do when XH was around so it's just like he never left. Everything we do is the same except our bank account is smaller.

There is definately more peace now since he's been gone. It's so sad but at the same time - a relief! at least for me. I don't have to worry about what he is doing anymore. I don't have to listen to the lies either!

I miss him but I'm getting better....stronger. The real Luv is coming back slowly but surely

[robx]

I wish there was a "Like" button for these forum posts,
this is definitely a good update, glad you hear you're doing good,
and yes, slowly but surely you'll be back to 110%.

Just remember, right at this very moment there's a 1000+ other men out there that are just as good if not much better than your XH, and there's only one you, I like those odds, you should too ;-)

[luvless]

Just remember, right at this very moment there's a 1000+ other men out there that are just as good if not much better than your XH, and there's only one you, I like those odds, you should too ;-)

aw - too cute thanks mr. x