Broken Still.....

[naej]

Hi Ian, Just caught up with you. I read your posts along time ago. I come back and read now and again-still. Almost 10 years on.
No great wisdom but I know so well here you are coming from. Does that help.

To all outward appearances I ahve a great life but there is still a hole where my heart used to be,when it comes to relationships. I get to the point were I feel I am just going through the motions because there is a place beyond that I want to be.

I can still feel love-just had a new g/son and it came flooding in. Still have compassion,still am moved by things but on a one to one relationship I always get to the brick wall point where I feel I am leading the other person on because my heart is not in it.

So know you are not alone, maybe we just haven't met the one,maybe we need more time. Something I really haven't got after spending almost 40 years with my x.

Sorry no answers but am sending you all good wishes. Heck if I were 20 years younger I would snap you up,I know you are a good man.
D'ont be too hard on yourself,it takes as long as it takes.

[Lissie]

Second, I dont neccasarily think I should know all the right moves with my kids. I just hate that I question them all. 9 times out of 10 I am doing the right thing, but I still wonder. Of course a lot of that comes down to how shittty of a father I was before all of this. I pay for that now, not with them, with myself. I have no idea what I was thinking losing sight of what an honor it is to be a dad.

Oh let's see... Never in your life did you think your wife, was going to have an affair and stay with , a guy that was in the inner circle.

AND you really didn't think that you would end up becoming a FULL TIME father to a teenage girl.. AND becoming a part time father to your son..

If all that, doesn't make you think twice, 3,4,5,times about your parenting decisions then i dunno what the heck.

It seems to me like you are right on target... Self exploration, self evaluating.. The timing of what happens to you is NEVER EVER WRONG.

It is your timing, something so very personal that no one can tell you any different..

I know you are not one of those STUCK individuals.. You are one that is taking the time to heal, so there is fear, doubt etc with all of that..

HOORAY..


Thank God you are not like you used to be waaaaaaay baaaaaaaack in the day, when rash decisions were made..

You can take a step back or forward and do it with a mature, responsible decision.. And if that doesn't speak volumes of how far you have come then just shut it already.

You, Swooshy Bug and I , have the same conversation.. WHY are these jokers still with the same people they had an affair with???.

I just want to introduce the X to some lovely chick already... Just break up with "her", already !!!!!!!!But, what can we do? .... Nothing about that, so we just complain about it every few months on a phone convo and move on with it...

Faking it till we make it is progress, and it is a step forward....

Um , at least you went out on dates and actually had a mini R here and there, do you not remember me? NADA.. ZIP made up a million excuses.. AND deep down I was just not ready for all that NEW stuff.....

4.5 years later I'm ready... It is still scary, heck yeah.. Do those fears creep up? hell yeah... BUT we can not penalize someone else b/c of what our X's have done, and we can not penalize ourselves b/c of the past mistakes we have done...

I have just come to the conclusion and have accepted that I am ALWAYS going to feel SOMETHING about this divorce... Something will come up at one time or another and that is OK.. AND it doesn't mean I went backwards at all, It just means I am human....

Can't wait to see you soon.................... Biting...muah

[figgeroni]

and
that is why I love lissie

see????

and

maybe the people you are choosing for a relationship are not ready for the mature type of relationship you need

because there is a give and take that seems to sometimes be missing

like when you are all pulling away and getting weirdo, you need someone to smack you into reality

it is the give and take of a healthy, thriving relationship

maybe you enter into ones with people you know are not ready because it saves you from having to deal and it puts you in a comfortable place, one you know...of feeling betrayed or feeling like you are lacking or self-doubt or whatever

you know
the place where you KNOW that you will feel xyz and get over it

it is hard work
and
scary
and
thrilling and exciting and fulfilling and new and wonderful and magic and all those things too

like
ok
you know I am a but pitbullish
and
Cori is a mushball

we balance eachother

and he says stuff to me like (I was just telling lissie this) when I am all upset that I am not more mushball because I never remember "important"days and what is wrong with me and blah blah blah

he tells me...I fell for a pitbull...I don't want a kitten

so

he makes me feel good about who I am
not like I am lacking something

so you need to find the person who loves you when you get all "needing alone time" and Ian-ish. Someone who will just be loving and appreciating those parts of you that make you feel insecure

because

you are a catch
and
I love you

and

Lissiebird loves you

and

what more is there????

[bright_new_day]

Lissie has ALWAYS known what to say to Ian! And as pathetic as this sounds, I am glad Ian posted his feeling here cuz it got some great people talking....people who have been missed! Good to see you crawl out of the woodwork Lissie!

So Ian, I think you are doing ok. You are definitely human anyway! Which is more than can be said for most of the WAS's!!!

Geeze, you were the one who got me through some of my darkest days....I think you are doing great because you SEE your weaknesses and accept your feelings.

Basically Ian, you rock....accept it!

[smith18]

Ian, to be honest, you now have me thinking that when the time comes soon for more intimacy that I could have some of the same troubles as you. But I think it really boils down to me digging the chick as much as she digs me. I do hope that I can give as much love that the lady gives me. And that we both have an understanding that each and every one of us go through ups and downs.

Keep those love tanks full!

[ernest88]

Hey stranger,

you may not have come to grips with it....but it's the best thing that ever happened to you...she is batchittcrazy..and for that there is no cure..

I get that, don't want her, dont care about her, dont deal with her, she is a nut job. I was more saying that teh emotional damage reached deeper than I thought it did. I am sure a lot of that was me being a "guy" and not allowing my armor to get any chinks in it. The thing is Mike, after almost 4 years I shouldnt still feel all the hurt and pain that I do. I shouldnt still tear up when I leave my best friend and his wife and kids because I miss that "family" part of my life. It hurts like hell not haing that part of my life anymore.

Doubt--stop being a dick...you doubt yourself because you are 1. getting older 2. cause you're being a dick

Really, you had to throw in the older part. I am completely ok with you calling me a dick, I get that. but old.... low blow.


Ian

ahh hell...you know what I mean about getting older..not that you're falling apart getting older..I'm talking about the thinking part of getting older..seems like the older I get the more I think about the emotional side of things..also think more about family..could be the same thing happening to you...I think at a younger age we don;t think about family as much..we are too busy having a good time, chasing the dream...etc.....

and for feeling that stuff after 4 years..brother..I still get pissed at my 1st ex..for the things she did to pretty much ruin Matt's(my son) R with me..hell I blame her....buit all that's over and done with...I figured out that if you spend time thinking about all the stuff these WAW's do/did....you give them the power...

i'll keep my power for myself..

You're a good man Ian...you know i hold you in high regard...always have..always will...

[cat03]

it's late, but had to post a HELLO to you hon! I am pretty convinced that the mental illness x suffered from won't keep me from having a good R with someone...if/when it happens, x is part of my past... far far.. so far away...

[Reincarnated]

Ian -
When I worry that I am thinking too much, I remember

The unexamined life is not worth living.

They never said it was easier, though - looking at ourselves, striving for growth, that stuff is hard.

I remember reading here on the boards that most Rs do not last (hence, dating). I think those of us who were with someone a long time, built up a life with someone, we think that finding another R will be easy.
I think it is actually harder - we know so much more, now, can read the red flags, and have higher expectations.
I don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing, to be much more picky.

Some things are instinctual - it could just be that you didn't open up in these post-D relationships because you sensed that they weren't "it."

many hugs...

[whatisis]

Ian -
When I worry that I am thinking too much, I remember

The unexamined life is not worth living.

They never said it was easier, though - looking at ourselves, striving for growth, that stuff is hard.

Thinking too much, that's one of my favourite hobbies! There is nothing more fun than going over the same crap day in and day out believing that somehow by doing so you'll find some magical answer to whatever it is you're obsessing about (that you somehow missed the last 350 times you went over it). It's not a hobby for the weak or those with short attention spans though! You've gotta be dedicated. I'm thinking of starting a "Thinking Too Much" scrapbook to preserve all those memories so that someday I can go back over them again and again and again...

[sofaraway]

You know I wonder how the hell I was able to get on here so often when I found this place and now it's a rare occasion for me to come to teh boards. Where the hell does the time go right?

I think the problem is that I think too far ahead. I need to maybe start trying to live more in the moment instead and forget what is down the road.I am definitely staying away from serious until I get all this figured out. Not that I ever will

I am dating, sort of. I find that I date younger because it is just much simpler and the demands for meaningful communication are less. Sounds shallow when I type it, but it is what it is. I have been ummm hanging out with a woman lately that is a bit younger than me. The thing is she is a bit smarter then I expected. Turns out she is a Nurse Practitioner and has her act together for the most part. She is also divorced and has a child.

Her marriage left huge scars as well. So we end up having some fairly intense conversations and then we both sort of snap out of it and remember we don't really want to go there. Not sure how much longer it will last, I already sort of have those run and hide feelings. I hate that its what happens, but it is.

She came over and we rented some movies and such, just supposed to be a chill out night. Well Tawny came home from her friends early and walked in the living room where we were sitting on the couch together, just snuggled up. It was awkward. I wasn't sure what to say to Tawny, "This is my friend %$^&" is what ended up coming out. After she left Tawny basically laughed at me about the friend comment.

So, what can you do right I have at least gone back to the gym. That was a long time coming. I am tired of being out of shape. I figure maybe if I have a focus area it will keep my mind off other things.

I am also in the midst of dealing with a possible relocation to Atlanta. The owner of my company talked to me about it again on Friday. He is meeting with our client on teh 22nd and will know something mid August. There is a big possibility that I will end up in Atlanta by January of next year if I want to stay with this company. I am not opposed to it, I just am not sure how it will work with Ross. Just more crap to weigh down my brain with.


Ian