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MarieC Offline OP
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Here's the background on my story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post2003633

I wrote that a month ago.

My husband, whom I've not seen in almost six weeks, just told a girlfriend that he thinks we'll be getting back together, that he misses me and loves me and thinks the separation was "a good kick in the ass" for me because I look so good and am so busy (whenever he goes by my house I'm not home.) In addition, his guru, a retired ski bum whose motto about women is "don't chase 'em, replace 'em," called me out of the blue the same day my husband talked with my friend and said that "after a separation, when the dust settles, sometimes people can get back together."

My husband has suddenly started sending me friendly, chatty emails full of questions and offers to use the car and help me with banking and suggestions about freetime activities I should try (by myself, presumably). I don't know what to do - I have thought that it's best to go dark for a while and I went to London for a week, but I wonder... when/how do you start to see and talk with one another again? Any suggestions?


Discovered OW1: 1/10, H refused to talk.
H moved in w 1st OW: 3/10
H cheated on OW1: 12/10
H left OW1, moved in w OW2: 4/11
D: 9/11
Still miss H. Don't understand, H just left, never even talked w me.
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 831
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Hi Marie,

This was all "a good kick in the ass...for YOU?"

EXCUSE me?!!!

Breaking your heart, making you cry, and sending you on the run to London for solace? WTF?!!! That boy needs a SERIOUS slap upside the head, PRONTO!

So...the barmaid with "the 9th grade education" couldn't hold his interest (he's working on his masters or doctorate, right?). Wow! Color me surprised! He ran away, banged the brainless ho, got it out of his system, and now thinks he can waltz home and pick up right where he left off?

EEEN! Wrong answer! Do NOT pass Go, do NOT collect $200!

This boy hurt you and needs to serve some SERIOUS penance before you let him back in your life. He CANNOT waltz in and out at his leisure. If you let him do it once, he'll think he can do it time and again.

Here's what I'd do:

1. Thank him for getting back in touch with you. Oh, and BTW, about his stuff -- would he like to pick it up in boxes or bags? (That will make him sh*t bricks, I assure you :-) !)

2. Continue the dark and distancing behavior. When - AND ONLY WHEN - he expresses remorse and regret at having hurt you, do you CONSIDER letting him back into your life.

3. INSIST on PROOF of a clean bill of health from before you let him back in your bed. Don't suffer the consequences of his mindless idiocy.

4. Consider yourself lucky. Some of us here are dealing with 3 and 4 YEARS of infidelity. That isn't to say that your WH straying wasn't painful - we all know it was - only that it could have been longer and more drawn out.

Kick him in the ass, make him think twice about doing it again, reconcile, then put it behind you. Life's too short to linger in pain one moment more than you need to...

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MarieC Offline OP
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Thanks, Red.

You know, he was such a good husband for so long, but then fell into a friendship with this awful retired ski bum who hates Americans (although he is American) and REALLY hates American women. My husband admires his athletic prowess and how well he skis and that he's a Vietnam vet and has a lot of friends in this small German town - most of whom are either fellow ski bums or women he's screwed behind the back of his live-in girlfriend. This man has had so much influence over my husband's outlook and behavior in the last two years that a mutual friend of theirs started calling the ski bum my husband's "True Love." At first it was funny, but over time, my husband took on the values and the behavior of this guy. I thought he was blowing off the horrible things this ski bum said about American women (I am an American woman, for instance), but apparently I was wrong.

The last time my husband spent any time with me (moving out our furniture, which he got - along with the BMW X5 - in a post-nup in exchange for not taking half of my retirement and half of my savings, as he could under German law, which applies to us as our whole marriage took place here), he said so many kind things and seemed so surprised at how nice things were with us. It seems to me that the ski bum and the Bimbo have convinced him we'd had a horrible life -- and since my husband has dropped contact with all of our mutual friends -- the reality of how we were together came into conflict with the fake story they'd all been telling themselves about me and our relationship.

I am trying to stay focused on what's real - he's living with the waitress, banking with waitress, and likely to knock up the waitress - but I can't forget all the years he was good to me.

I am being good about going dark, only contacting him when necessary for things like banking, but I wonder... how can I keep the door open for reconciliation without being a doormat - or an idiot, wasting hope on a person who has decided to take the easiest road in life. He'll ALWAYS be the smartest person in the room when he's surrounding himself with alcoholics and high school drop outs... With me and our old friends, he is held to a higher standard of behavior and effort (but I think a much richer and more interesting life) but he's obviously chosen to reject me and our old friends and embrace the boozing and the Bimbo, instead. Over time, our friends predict, he won't be able to stand the current situation, but that doesn't mean he'll even try to come back to me.

It's so sad to me - we were so good to one another for so long and then BOOM! He decided it was over and there's nothing I can do about it.

Plus, the Bimbo works right behind my apartment and he goes drinking there, so every time I leave the apartment I worry about running into them. WIth no car, no furniture, and huge lawyers' bills for the post-nup ($7000 so far), I can't consider moving.

I would want to try to fix things, though - but I don't want to be an idiot about it.

Thanks again, Red.


Discovered OW1: 1/10, H refused to talk.
H moved in w 1st OW: 3/10
H cheated on OW1: 12/10
H left OW1, moved in w OW2: 4/11
D: 9/11
Still miss H. Don't understand, H just left, never even talked w me.
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
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Originally Posted By: Seeing Red
Hi Marie,

This was all "a good kick in the ass...for YOU?"

EXCUSE me?!!!

Breaking your heart, making you cry, and sending you on the run to London for solace? WTF?!!! That boy needs a SERIOUS slap upside the head, PRONTO!

So...the barmaid with "the 9th grade education" couldn't hold his interest (he's working on his masters or doctorate, right?). Wow! Color me surprised! He ran away, banged the brainless ho, got it out of his system, and now thinks he can waltz home and pick up right where he left off?

EEEN! Wrong answer! Do NOT pass Go, do NOT collect $200!

This boy hurt you and needs to serve some SERIOUS penance before you let him back in your life. He CANNOT waltz in and out at his leisure. If you let him do it once, he'll think he can do it time and again.

Here's what I'd do:

1. Thank him for getting back in touch with you. Oh, and BTW, about his stuff -- would he like to pick it up in boxes or bags? (That will make him sh*t bricks, I assure you :-) !)

2. Continue the dark and distancing behavior. When - AND ONLY WHEN - he expresses remorse and regret at having hurt you, do you CONSIDER letting him back into your life.

3. INSIST on PROOF of a clean bill of health from before you let him back in your bed. Don't suffer the consequences of his mindless idiocy.

4. Consider yourself lucky. Some of us here are dealing with 3 and 4 YEARS of infidelity. That isn't to say that your WH straying wasn't painful - we all know it was - only that it could have been longer and more drawn out.

Kick him in the ass, make him think twice about doing it again, reconcile, then put it behind you. Life's too short to linger in pain one moment more than you need to...




whistle whistle whistle


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My ex-W was telling people she thought we would reunite, even having her lawyer tell mine that we could be reconciling - meanwhile she was continuing her A. I just went through with the D.


"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
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Originally Posted By: MarieC
You know, he was such a good husband for so long...

He'll ALWAYS be the smartest person in the room when he's surrounding himself with alcoholics and high school drop outs... With me and our old friends, he is held to a higher standard of behavior and effort (but I think a much richer and more interesting life) but he's obviously chosen to reject me and our old friends and embrace the boozing and the Bimbo, instead. Over time, our friends predict, he won't be able to stand the current situation, but that doesn't mean he'll even try to come back to me.

I would want to try to fix things, though - but I don't want to be an idiot about it.


Ok, let's look at some facts:

1. You haven't heard from him for 6 weeks, and then all of a sudden he starts contacting you and telling others you're reconciling. That means the dropout and the amoral, "love the one you're with" ski bum are starting to wear thin. They may have influenced him over time, but they're not filling his needs now. Otherwise, he wouldn't be contacting you.

2. If he's "easily the smartest person in the room," then appeal to his intellect in your contacts with him. Tell him you miss your stimulating conversations. Make references to things only an educated person would know, like art, history, politics, language, literature, etc. If he's American, reference Americana. If he likes to travel, talk about the places you've been. Respond to his texts or emails in different languages. In short, titillate his mind. Bimbo barmaid won't be able to compete.

3. Continue on with your life as an exciting single woman, working, seeing movies, going to museums, attending lectures, having drinks with friends, etc. Get a life. Be gracious and kind when speaking to him, take extra care in your appearance when seeing him. But keep your distance.

REMEMBER: This is HIS issue, not yours. You didn't start this, you didn't ask for this.

I know it hurts. I know you want to help him.

But don't put your life on hold because some alien took over your WH body.

Instead, let him know you disapprove of his current lifestyle, but you support HIM - at least for now -- until he comes around.

Only you can decide how much you're willing to take.

At some point, he'll get tired of slumming. Every educated man does. He'll sober up and realize that he's sold himself short, that he should be much further along in life than he is at that point.

Hopefully that will be soon, before you've put a fork in the relationship and determined it's "done"...

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MarieC Offline OP
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Thanks, Red. These are all great ideas. I am having trouble seeing things with clarity at the moment. Many thanks!


Discovered OW1: 1/10, H refused to talk.
H moved in w 1st OW: 3/10
H cheated on OW1: 12/10
H left OW1, moved in w OW2: 4/11
D: 9/11
Still miss H. Don't understand, H just left, never even talked w me.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 52
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MarieC Offline OP
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Posts: 52
Hi, Puppy,

Thanks for posting, but would you tell me more about what you think? I see you also give good advice...

Thanks!


Discovered OW1: 1/10, H refused to talk.
H moved in w 1st OW: 3/10
H cheated on OW1: 12/10
H left OW1, moved in w OW2: 4/11
D: 9/11
Still miss H. Don't understand, H just left, never even talked w me.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 52
M
MarieC Offline OP
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Posts: 52
Dear DCBHM,

I'm sorry to hear about that. Were you finished by that time? Was it an intentional manipulation to get something from you, do you think? I fear that my WH wants to stay married as long as possible for the financial advantages. I would have never, ever suspected him of something like this even a few months ago, but he is so different... And then I see flashes of the good man I loved. I don't know who was talking when he said this to my friend -- though the ski bum's sentiments came through loud and clear with the "kick in the ass" comment. (My friend is German so I doubt she made up that phrase out of whole cloth.)

This whole thing is so confusing and heartbreaking.


Discovered OW1: 1/10, H refused to talk.
H moved in w 1st OW: 3/10
H cheated on OW1: 12/10
H left OW1, moved in w OW2: 4/11
D: 9/11
Still miss H. Don't understand, H just left, never even talked w me.
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 578
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Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 578
Yeah I was done at that point, so I just laughed at the suggestion and asked if she had been smoking crack. I wasn't subtle at all. And yeah - I get the flashes of kindness, I get called "honey" and things like that even after the D. For me, the right call was moving on in my life. I deserve to be treated better than that.


"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
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