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wa40 Offline OP
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Hi everyone. I have been a long-term lurker here and have been so inspired by the wonderful people on this board. I have found comfort and strength just by reading other people's stories and seeing that I am not alone in this awful journey. I never thought anything could hurt so badly, but the ending of my marriage is excruciating.

My husband is involved in a long-term affair. We live in a small town and it has been awful. Everyone thinks he is crazy and she is so trashy! He has a loving wife and 2 beautiful daughters and he is throwing it all away.

His family is devastated and his friends don't want to be around him. I have stood by him and given him so much time, but he is cake-eating and won't make a move either way. I have quit my job and am planning to move back to where I am from. My parents are still there. My kids don't want to move, but I feel like we need a fresh start away from this mess.

My oldest daughter is handling the idea of moving fairly well, but the 11 year-old is telling me she isn't going.

Am I a terrible Mom to be making them move? All my friends think it would be so hard to stay in this small town and have to see them together...


Me W41 WAH43
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Married 18 years
S March 2009
D filed by me April 2010
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wa,

How long has their affair been going on? Are there some steps you could take, still in-town so as to not uproot your kids, that would be a much stronger stand for you?

I suspect your problem is the "I've stood by him, and given him so much time" part. Us humans are, at the end of the day, path-of-least-resistance creatures, and we usually won't do anything we don't want to do until we HAVE to.

Can you tell us more, what have been the consequences for your husband's infidelity?

Puppy

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And no, whatever you decide you need to do, you won't be a "terrible mother." Your daughters are coming into some EXTREMELY formative years regarding how they will come to perceive healthy relationships with boys and men. Is their father's behavior something you want them to see as somehow acceptable??

Puppy

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wa40 Offline OP
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Puppy,

Thank you for your replies. I have admired the advice you have given to people.

The affair has been going on for about 3 years now. I suspected for a long while, but he denied, denied, denied!! I finally caught him in a big lie that he couldn't get out of, so he admitted it. He has also denied it was a PA until I finally got him to admit that recently. I KNEW it had to be that too.

I made him move out in March 2009. He gets our girls every other weekend. It has been hard for me to go dark, but I try to limit contact.

He says he is miserable about all the destruction he had caused, but that he doesn't know how to get out of this mess. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but he doesn't want to give OW up either. I think if I hadn't filed, he would go on like this indefinitely. I was ready to move last summer, but he stopped me
from quitting my job and said he would try to make it work. We both come from very stable families where our parents have been married a long time. He has always been very respected and honest. Now his reputation is shot.

I just don't think I can handle being this near to them both. I am having a hard time detaching being here. I bump into her even when I go to a bigger neighboring town!

I definitely don't want my daughters to think this is what marriage is like and that it is ok for him to do this. My older daughter knows there is an OW, but I don't think the younger one knows. I don't want them to have to see their Dad and the other woman together.....


Me W41 WAH43
D13 D11
Married 18 years
S March 2009
D filed by me April 2010
WAH/EA/PA
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wa40 Offline OP
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He says he still loves me and is attracted to me. He thinks I am the "better" person for him in the long run. He doesn't fully trust her or know if they could make it work. She is from a different background than we are. She divorced her husband b/c of this and has 2 kids. She is about 11 years younger than my husband.


Me W41 WAH43
D13 D11
Married 18 years
S March 2009
D filed by me April 2010
WAH/EA/PA
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I'm a husband and a father and I am far, far, far from faultless and you are not going to want to hear what I'm about to say but I'm going to say it anyway...

He is a JERK and you deserve better. Now, the big question for you is does better mean a better version of THIS husband or a better life without him? Only you can answer that but his behavior and this affair MUST end. Period.

Do not let yourself become a doormat. You and your husband can get through this but you can't do it alone (need a counselor) and you can't get through it without some serious changes in his behavior. Stand your ground...decide what your thresholds are and communicate that clearly. Right now it doesn't seem like it but you are in the driver's seat.

Hang in there....


M 52 W 37
Child: Hers: 2 9/11 Mine: 2 22/9


Bomb: April 2014

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wa40--what happened when you filed for D in April? I mean what did your H do and say?


me,34
exH,34
S,16 months
S:3/31/09-left for OW
started DBing 10/09
d final: sometime 10/10
current:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1
met in 2004

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wa40 Offline OP
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Thanks Won'tQuit for your comments. My friends and family have all said he is a jerk too! My family always thought the world of him. He was always a good husband and great father until all
this. I guess I keep expecting the "old" him to reappear.

It has really affected both of our families and our friends too. He says I neglected him and that is why this happened. He says he didn't realize what was happening with the OW until it was too late. I have told him that he made many decisions that were bad that he had to have known were wrong.

I think he is in MLC too. He worries about getting older and that it is all downhill from here health-wise.

Anyway, thanks for the input and support....


Me W41 WAH43
D13 D11
Married 18 years
S March 2009
D filed by me April 2010
WAH/EA/PA
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newmama,

He didn't want me to file, but says he doesn't know what else we can do. He NEVER would have filed I don't think. Of course, OW has not been happy that he wouldn't file. I tried to stand for a long time, and I wanted HIM to have to file if he wanted it, but I realized nothing was changing and he wasn't going to do it.

He doesn't want to fight me on anything. In fact, he acts like he wants my lawyer to handle everything.

He says if OW were out of the picture, he knows we could make it work. He has tried a few times to stop cold turkey with her, but hasn't been able to do it. He has seen 3 different counselors and quits every time after a few visits. He says it
isn't helping and he can't afford it.


Me W41 WAH43
D13 D11
Married 18 years
S March 2009
D filed by me April 2010
WAH/EA/PA

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