Still Moving Forward

[WCW]

Ok, so if you still have not sent that email then do not send it as written. IMO, What you wrote is angry and accusatory and that gets no one nowhere.
What is your goal by emailing? do you want to end your M? do you want to attract attention?
My H is very good at being an avoider. I tried many methods to communicate but not much worked. The method I used was to email or write a letter and then follow up and ask for time for a conversation. Of course those conversations were usually just me talking but every once in a while H cracked a litte....

I suggest taking out the anger and accusing words, and including a plan of action. And of course, be ready to follow up.

[BeingMe]

Yes, the previous one does come across as accusatory, but I don't feel it. I was just laying out the facts. I really just want to move on emotionally. I don't think he loves me, and he hasn't in a long time. You can tell when a man loves someone, and he doesn't. And, now, I don't love him either. He is a great guy, in general. May make someone else happy, but it's too late for us. We could be friends, but never romantic partners again.

Anyway, what do y'all think about the changes below?

"Dear H, five years ago, we came here to make a fresh start, but nothing has changed. In fact, I feel things have gotten worse in our M, if that's possible. I no longer want to live as your wife. Perhaps we can separate, or divorce ... that's up to you. I don't mind living in the same house, if it suits you with all your travelling for work. I hold no grudge, or feel any ambivalence toward you. I just don't want to live in this M that has become a lie. I like you, but I don't feel any romantic love. I suspect you feel the same.

Financially and as parents we will always be tied. All of that side of the M will have to be discussed and organised and I hope with a measure of fairness and respect.

I am sorry it has come to this. I loved you passionately during our 24 year marriage, but now I just feel sad that I don't love you at all. I care about you as the father of our children, and as a dear friend that I hope we can become.

H, I wish you happiness. Twenty four years is a long time being together as a couple, so let's end it with dignity, showing the children how it can be done.

Your wife, BM"

[WCW]

This version would lead me to believe that you are done with your H and just want to move on emotionally. You have written this with a softness yet firm in your feelings.

Just in case, are you prepared for any response other than what you expect?

I am truly sorry your M has come to this point but I do understand knowing you are done.

(((BM)))

[forward]

I respect that you are paying attention to your heart even through all of the physical issues you are dealing with.

I wish you the best, BM. I believe that you are doing the right thing to be so honest with yourself and H. I imagine that with your situation, "being good to yourself" takes on a whole different meaning.

[peacetoday]

being
I read your letter
the part about not loving him at all--in paragragh 3 --maybe can be left out
or maybe worded different
just a thought
I also wish you the best
peace

[BeingMe]

Thanks for all the responses. I really appreciate them.

I won't just dump this on him ... he is very stressed over a difficult project. He will be out of town again next week, so there is time to think about this. My next MRi is next Tuesday and my oncology doctor appointment on the 28th June. I am more focused on the outcome of the MRi than my M. I pray for a good outcome. If the worst happens, then there is no point in sending this email. But, I am hopeful, have a positive outlook, I choose life and want to so much live it and do so my way.

Sadly, this M is toxic to me, emotionally. I feel stressed and sad when I think about it. I try to think beyond it, and how that would look like. It has outlived it's "by date" and neither one of us is getting any emotional use out of it. It's like a used toothpaste tube, twisted, and flattened and wrung out as much as it can be and now, there just isn't any toothpaste left to squeeze out. It just lies there in the medicine cabinet, and every now and then taken out to see if anymore paste can be had. Then put back after it is shown that no amount of rubbing, or squeezing, or massaging the tube is going to produce any results. Nothing left except the shape of what was. We needed a new tube, but couldn't decide on the brand, and now the teeth is going, and still we can't get it together.

I think if we really loved each other, we would find a way. But, not even this tumour has enabled him to find a way to express his love and devotion to me. Yes, he is upset, and sad about it (or, he was at the beginning, but now it has become "you are strong, BM" which I am, but sometimes I want some emotional, husbandly comfort, a chance to lean on him and lend his strength, but it's just not there).

Anyway, there is no rush to end the M ... sometime this year. I try to live my life as best I can under these circumstances. No choice, really.

Here is my revised email: "Dear H, five years ago, we came here to make a fresh start, but nothing has changed. In fact, I feel things have gotten worse in our M, if that's possible. I no longer want to live as your wife. Perhaps we can separate, or divorce ... that's up to you. I don't mind living in the same house, if it suits you with all your travelling for work. It would save money.

I hold no grudge, or feel any ambivalence toward you. I just don't want to live in this M that has become a lie. I like you, but I don't feel any romantic love. I suspect you feel the same.

Financially and as parents we will always be tied. All of that side of the M will have to be discussed and organised and I hope with a measure of fairness and respect.

I am sorry it has come to this. I loved you passionately during our 24 year marriage, but now I just feel sad and disconnected. I care about you as the father of our children, and as a dear friend that I hope we can become. I surely do need the comfort of friends at this time.

H, I wish you happiness. Twenty four years is a long time being together as a couple, so let's end it with dignity, showing the children how it can be done.

Your wife, BM"

[BeingMe]

I'm so sorry it's come to this point, BeingMe. but it's completely understandable. some people (like my xH and apparently your H) just don't seem to have the capacity to love and support and adjust unselfishly. I wish you peace and clarity as you discern the next steps along your path.

Thanks Hmama! I do need clarity, that's for sure. But, life does not always grant clarity, peace or any other assurances. We can only pray for it and hope that that is what we will get. Otherwise, we can only do what we think is right. My main hope now is for healing in my body, aim for a reconnection with my spirit, and emotional healing with or without H. My children are my greatest blessing and with that I am happy.

[Aud31]

Found ya. I'm so sorry it's come to this BeingMe...you are an amazing woman. Your last version of the letter is as well put as a letter of its sort can be. Best wishes on your MRI...my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[BeingMe]

Thank you Aud. Appreciate your prayers.

[BeingMe]

Here is the sad thing ... if I had enough money to support myself, I would just quietly pack my things and leave. I think that would appeal to him since there would be no discussion, no "confrontation", just over. That's what I think about these days. But, of course, I couldn't leave my D17. Well, I would ask him to leave then. AAAAAGGGGGHH!!!

I mentioned the MRi this morning, that it's next Tuesday. He knows how I hate having them. He said nothing. Note: he will be away on business from Monday for a few days. Yay! I got the bed to myself. I know, that's mean, isn't it.