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Definitely two very different and distinct approaches, Entangled.

It's your call. I think you'll find we'll support you either way.

Puppy

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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Originally Posted By: Entangled


In DB parlance, cornering her with the affair has had the same affect as persuing her and begging her to reconsider leaving. She's being pushed out the door that much more quickly and headed towards D.


This is why I advocate that people's short list of "dealbreakers" should be just that -- SHORT. Just two, three or maybe four things that represent your "N.U.T.S.", or as I call them, your "Boundaries of Personal Integrity." They should be things that you COULD NOT ABIDE ANYWAY, so -- if they force them out -- then, well, you couldn't have lived with that (say, a marriage with an ongoing affair, or even post-affair continued contact) anyway.

SHORT-TERM, the laying -- and enforcing -- of boundaries often DOES push them away from you. But longer-term, it actually brings them back, and into a healthier-balanced marital relationship built on mutual respect for each other's boundaries.

Puppy


Puppy that's exactly what I'm trying to accomplish, in a non threatening way. To open the door to work on the immediate issues before us together (she seems close to agreeing to some form of therapy to work on basic issues, not R), while also letting her know that we need to establish ground rules for the two dealbreakers for me, and to agree to and respect those rules.



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Originally Posted By: Lotus
This is the type of thing that I have been trying to warn people about. Yes, "do no harm", those are the exact words I have used.

Negotiation. Listening. Empathy. Marriage is a relationship, not a battle. I don't know how you exposed her. If you publicly humiliated her, that could be a lasting problem. If all you did was confront her, this could be a crisis that could lead to a better resolution. Your current attitude sounds good. Try not to treat her like the enemy. There is too much emphasis on fighting in the phrase "fighting for my marriage". Try to think of it more as negotiating for my marriage.


Thanks Lotus.

Ultimately, wether this ends in D or Reconciliation, this is someone I love with all my heart, whom I do not want to hurt, and who is the mother of my son. We will always be a part of each others lives, and our family, together or separated, will ultimately be better if we can work together, not against each other. I've told her that I want to work with her, but that we need to accept that we are working towards opposite goals. And I will tell her that my two dealbreakers are just that, dealbreakers, and we both need to agree to respect those boundraies.



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Gotcha.

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The "Script" may be the same, but the relationships and circumstances are all vastly different. I guess that's why Michelle gives us so many tools in the relationship tool box. LRT, 180, Act as if, GAL, give it time, see what works, and then try something different if it's not.



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Lotus, I exposed to her and his family, in a very polite and matter of fact way. No maliciousness or anger. Just asked for their support in letting them know it was not appropriate. I think that part may have had the desired effect.



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Originally Posted By: Entangled
The "Script" may be the same, but the relationships and circumstances are all vastly different.



See, that's just my point. In my experience in studying thousands of affairs, even the relationships and the circumstances AREN'T vastly different.

Everyone THINKS that they are . . . but they're not. Subtle differences, yes, but all of the basic dynamics are the same, and they usually follow one of only three or four basic "scripts."

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This whole thing still looks like a negotiation...

you can't negotiate with an addict.

You CAN restrict their preferable choices (open marriage), and press them to make choices they don't want (divorce or reconcile)

I just haven't seen negotiating with addicts to be effective... only LBS action to restrict thier choices to healhtier directions

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I'm trying to do both I guess. Negotiate on issues that need to be negotiated on (finances, etc.) and setting boundries for things that are not acceptable (A, open marriage). What I don't know is if A has ended or not. I know it's been sidtracked for the past week or so. If it is over, and if they both have walked away beacuse it has been exposed (even though they won't discuss it), then we're really just talking about separation issues.



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Originally Posted By: Allen A

You CAN restrict their preferable choices (open marriage), and press them to make choices they don't want (divorce or reconcile)


And how exactly can I restrict their choices? I can tell her it's unacceptable, etc., but in the end I can't keep her from being with him. I can take further actions if it continues, but I can't keep it from happening.



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