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Can you be more specific about the cold water dousing the affair "for now" thing?

Sorry, vague statements aren't something we can work with... Specifically what happened to make you think the affair has been weakened by the exposure?

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I've seen Intervention, and I'm currently reading Not Just Friends.



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After exposing A to OM fam, OM lashed back at me. Told OM in no uncertain terms to stay away from W, and he agreed. He seems to have less spring in his step. I think having his fam know he was in an A was the last thing he wanted, and he may have lost some interest. W just denies anything, so no assurance there. I think the PA has been derailed for the moment, also because there has been a logistical barrier for the past week or so. Will have to see if opportunity allows PA to continue, or if OM has decided it's not worth the damage to his own fam...



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His wife will be watching him now... This is the first step... keep exposing, keep your face out there protesting... Don't hide from the affair, address it with confidence and marital commitment and you will get respect from those who you want in your life... They won't stand for this... Encourage some to speak up on your behalf or at the very least NOT interact with eitehr of them... shut them out until they act their age

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What do I want? To SAVE my marriage?

What are my immediated goals? To try to rebuild the trust that has been broken so we are able to work with each other, not against each other. To calm things down so we are able to work productively together rather than defensively against each other.

I have an opportunity today to be the bigger person, to stem the flow of distrust and posturing, to show that I am not interested in doing battle, but must insist on certain ground rules. I have an opportunity to show the changes that I have made in myself, to practice real giving, and to practice Divorce Busting to save my marriage.

Keep the big picture in mind. Give what I can without making myself vulnerable. Take cautious steps towards rebuilding trust. Working together is ultimately better than fighting through lawyers. DO NO HARM!

Be strong for myself, my marriage, and my family. Don't persue, don't beg, show my best self at all times.

I don't need my wife's consent or help to be able to save my marriage. One person can chancge a relationship. DO NO HARM!



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Originally Posted By: Entangled
What do I want? To SAVE my marriage?

What are my immediated goals? To try to rebuild the trust that has been broken so we are able to work with each other, not against each other. To calm things down so we are able to work productively together rather than defensively against each other.

I have an opportunity today to be the bigger person, to stem the flow of distrust and posturing, to show that I am not interested in doing battle, but must insist on certain ground rules. I have an opportunity to show the changes that I have made in myself, to practice real giving, and to practice Divorce Busting to save my marriage.

Keep the big picture in mind. Give what I can without making myself vulnerable. Take cautious steps towards rebuilding trust. Working together is ultimately better than fighting through lawyers. DO NO HARM!

Be strong for myself, my marriage, and my family. Don't persue, don't beg, show my best self at all times.

I don't need my wife's consent or help to be able to save my marriage. One person can chancge a relationship. DO NO HARM!


I dunno, maybe it's just me (I'm in a particularly cynical mood to do), but this whole post just sounds very supplicating and acquiescent to me. It SOUNDS all well and good, but it can also easily be interpreted as some sort of unilateral disarmament/appeasement/"extend an open hand, and not a clenched fist" thing.

Yeah, we've seen how well that works with the Iranians, the North Koreans, the Palestinians, the Venezuelans and the Chinese. smirk

Entangled, did something change in your plan since yesterday?? confused

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Exposure has pushed her into a corner, and she's escalated things on many fronts. Situation has been volatile for a week now. There has been some open communication and and signs that everything that has been happening for the past week or so is just defensive, and not necessarily her honest intentions.

I can't believe a word she says, and she's clearly in the midst of this addiction and the denial, lying and covering her tracks that goes along with exposure. But I do beleive that she doesn't want to turn this into all out war.

We're at a turning point where things can get really really ugly, or possibly lay the groundwork for rebuilding trust and starting to work together.

In DB parlance, cornering her with the affair has had the same affect as persuing her and begging her to reconsider leaving. She's being pushed out the door that much more quickly and headed towards D.

I think that it may be possible to settle things down, begin to work together on some issues, establish ground rules re our son and her illicit affair without pushing her further into a corner and causing her to jump towards D. She'll never admit to the A, but I think I can get her to agree to stop doing it without admitting to it. I get the sense that I caught the A in it's first few months, and quick exposure may have made it unappealing for both of them to continue.

I'm not trying to be enabling and a door mat. Simply taking a softer approach so she does not feel cornered, attacked, and can keep her dignity.

Last edited by Entangled; 06/02/10 02:48 PM.


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You know her best. I've personally RARELY seen that approach work, but I don't have to live with the consequences, so you have to feel confident in the approach that you're using.

It just seems to me that you're allowing her reactions to your moves change your strategy (not just your tactics), when that reaction (anger, escalation, obfuscation, deceit, etc.) is TOTALLY PREDICTABLE and totally "SCRIPT."

No one's saying to make this "all out war." I am, however, advocating a strong, unwavering, calm approach.

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Originally Posted By: Entangled


In DB parlance, cornering her with the affair has had the same affect as persuing her and begging her to reconsider leaving. She's being pushed out the door that much more quickly and headed towards D.


This is why I advocate that people's short list of "dealbreakers" should be just that -- SHORT. Just two, three or maybe four things that represent your "N.U.T.S.", or as I call them, your "Boundaries of Personal Integrity." They should be things that you COULD NOT ABIDE ANYWAY, so -- if they force them out -- then, well, you couldn't have lived with that (say, a marriage with an ongoing affair, or even post-affair continued contact) anyway.

SHORT-TERM, the laying -- and enforcing -- of boundaries often DOES push them away from you. But longer-term, it actually brings them back, and into a healthier-balanced marital relationship built on mutual respect for each other's boundaries.

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This is the type of thing that I have been trying to warn people about. Yes, "do no harm", those are the exact words I have used.

Negotiation. Listening. Empathy. Marriage is a relationship, not a battle. I don't know how you exposed her. If you publicly humiliated her, that could be a lasting problem. If all you did was confront her, this could be a crisis that could lead to a better resolution. Your current attitude sounds good. Try not to treat her like the enemy. There is too much emphasis on fighting in the phrase "fighting for my marriage". Try to think of it more as negotiating for my marriage.

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