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Joined: Feb 2010
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I also posted this in the "New" forum but it may be more appropriate here. I am in an immense amount of pain now. I am willing to take any advice and will do my best to listen and learn! I need help!

I understand this is VERY new - husband just left yesterday (still has not gathered belongning). I just want to be prepared and stay motived.

I'm pretty sure he is gone for good. He has threatened in the past but yesterday he was emotionless when he told me that he did not love me. He said he has not loved me for a long time and its something he has been struggling with. He said that I need to move on and that we will never get back together.

Sadly (I think I'm in denial), I still have hope that maybe in a few months he will change his mind. He is throwing 10 years away. 10 years!

It is absolutely confusing to me (as I've said in previous posts). Tuesday was my birthday and he wrote me a beautiful card about how "proud he was to be able to call me his wife, love and friend" and then today he is leaving me. I just don't feel like he has lost all emotional feeling for me. We have been getting along well with occassional arguements. It's almost like he is unable to deal with any conflict and runs away when that happens.

I am going to try to set up a session with one of the DB coaches.

Here is what I need help with right now, these might seem silly but I need help:
-We had planned to have a memorial day BBQ next Monday, which he has already said is not going to happen (obviously). I was the one that sent out the original "evite". Do I cancel it or wait for him to do that?
-We had RSVP'd do a wedding on June 12 (obviously before this happened). Do I go alone and tell him I'm doing so? Do I tell the bride and groom we are seperated? I'm not really sure how to approach this and don't want to contact spouse about this unless absolutely necessary.
-We have a 10 year class reunion coming up next month(spouse and I helped planned together with two other friends). Do I still help with planning (even though I will have to be in meeting with spouse) or back out? Do I still go to reunion even though spouse will be there and people will not know we are seperated and will ask about us and I would have to tell them.
-We also have a wedding in September in Chicago that we already purchased hotel and airplane tickets. This is farther out so I'm not as concerned but same scenario. I was so excited to visit Chicago but I dont know if it's "wrong" to still go.
-I am not planning to contact spouse at all (phone, email, text). If he contacts me do I answer call or emails? What if he wants to come and get stuff - how do I act? What do I say?
-What about health insurance, changing locks? Do I go ahead and take him off my health insurance now and change locks or do I wait for him to bring these things up?

I want to make our marriage work. I truly do with all my heart and I want to take steps to be the best me I can be. I understand the importance of GAL but yesterday I said "I don't even know how I'm supposed to act, do we never talk to each other again" and he said "we are going to have to talk a lot because there is a lot to work out" (he meant in terms of divorce/sepeartion, not working on our marraige). I want to make those interactions count which is why I'm asking the questions above.

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(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I can feel your pain thru your post.

Its been a while since I've been around here, but I still remember how hard my separation was. I would say the hardest thing for me, and what I would recommend to you, is to figure out what YOU want. for me what really helped me figure it out was journaling (and journaling and journaling) and my IC.

Do you want to still host the bbq? It might feel weird at first hosting it on your own, but it also might be fun to surround yourself with friends/family. its also fine to go ahead and cancel. Picture both instances in your mind...which feels better? You don't need h's permission for this...what do YOU want. Just because he made his decision not to be there/host it, doesn't mean you can't.

Do you want to go to the June wedding? When you think about being there on your own, does it cause you too much pain, or can you be gracious and happy for the couple? if you can and really want to be there, well, then go. I would personally not bring up the separation to them, I would just say h couldn't make it, and wish them all the best, etc. As for telling he about it, well, you can, but leave it short and to the point...send an email that you are planning to attend, so if he changes his rsvp to make sure not to include you. that's it. no explanations needed.

same with the wedding in chicago. if its his friends/his family, well, that could be awkward, but if they are mutual friends or your side, GO, have some fun. get a travel book on chicago and figure out what YOU want to do. it won't be the same trip you had planned with your H, but one thing I found was once I let go of all my preconceived notions/desires/plans, I was able to find some really shiny silver linings...I didn't have to defer to anyone else. If I wanted to spend the day doing something h might have balked at, well, I could. I had only myself to answer to. It was very strange at first, and it made me sad at first, until I embraced it fully and dove in.

yes, there was a lot of faking it till I made it going on. But I'll tell you, for me, it wasn't until I did a lot of growing on my own that my marriage was saved. I still missed my h and wished things were different (prior to our reconciliation), but my life was pretty full and I was happy and grounded and myself again.

good luck! hope any of this made sense to you. my kids just found me and are wanting to play so I have to run, but just couldn't not respond.

there is hope, no matter what your h is saying now. but in my experience, focusing on your own growth and gal are crucial right now. try to keep the focus there.

eta: quickly wanted to add you can communicate on your terms. I figured out eventually that h and I communicated much better...much healthier...via email. gave me time to process stuff before I responded, and took away the temptation to just react to the stuff that hurt me. yes, there is a lot to work out, but you don't have to do it for him.

Last edited by SallyM; 05/23/10 03:59 PM.

M-41
H-38
M-10 years, T-14 years
Bomb-PA 3/19/07
Separated-6/7/07
Piecing/h back home 5/08
S-6
S-4
D-4

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"

-Mary Anne Radmacher
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one thing one of my best friends said to me early on that stuck with me was I did not have to do anything I wasn't ready to do, at least not for him. I was so angry early on I was calling lawyers/getting ready to file, etc. I think part of me liked taking control of the situation, ya know? but she stopped that. reminded me this was his thing. Yes, I consulted with a lawyer, but stopped there. if he wanted to file, that was his buisness, and I would respond appropriately, but I did not have to help him on the way.

I never changed the locks. why would I? I wanted my H home. I didn't allow him to cake eat. he couldn't come and go as he pleased, it was no longer his home, but as far as I was concerned I wanted him back if/when he was ready to. if he violated my privacy on that matter, and tried to come/go as he pleased, I might have changed that, but he didn't.

when he comes to get his stuff, if you can trust him not to take un-agreed upon stuff, well, be BUSY. it used to drive my h bonkers when I had plans or was busy and looked like I was having fun without him. lol. if you have to be there hwne he is getting it, don't hover over him.

okay, gotta run. hope any of this helps. good luck to you!


M-41
H-38
M-10 years, T-14 years
Bomb-PA 3/19/07
Separated-6/7/07
Piecing/h back home 5/08
S-6
S-4
D-4

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"

-Mary Anne Radmacher
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 220
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Ok - I'm back with an update.

H called and asked if he could come over and talk - I sounded good on phone (not overly happy and not crying). He came over and immediately wanted to talk about selling the house, who would get the dog, etc. I was caught very off guard as he just left yesterday - I understand these things need to be discussed but I have no barring right now.

I told him that I would need to speak with my lawyer about those things. He seemed surprised and asked why we needed a lawyer and thought we could do everything amicable (which we can I just would like to seek legal counsel). He said that he hoped I trusted him enough that it wouldn't come to that.

He said he wanted to sell the house because he couldnt get an apartment unless we did that and I said unfortunately, he was the one that choose to leave the relationship and I would need more time to discuss.

Then I had to say a few things that in hindsight I'm not sure were "right" or "wrong" but I needed to say my piece. I will not bring them up again but the short of it was that my life will go on with or without him. I said that I felt that he was harboring resentments of me over the past ten years and bottlign everything up inside and those disagreements and disappointments have added up over the years and never been dealt with. He agreed but said we tried counseling and I said that we never really got to the core issues. I said that I'm open to working on our marriage and always will be and that my door is open and I said that I hoped he found what he was looking for. He was crying and saying that he thought he was doing the right thing for now and was "pretty sure" this is what he wanted. I said that I felt scared for him because we didn't deal with all our issues that those would get carried into his next relationship and that although he thought he would be happier without me that happiness come from inside yourself. He said he was going to take a shower and I said that I did not feel comfortable with that since he no longer lived there - too dramatic? I obviously wanted him to stay longer but I felt like I had to put my foot down.

I understand he wants things to go amicably but I dont want this. I don't feel like should just have to sell the house because he wants me to so he can get an apartment. Part of me also feel bad (because I still love him). He seemed hurt by that as though I was letting him down and he thought it would be easier.

He asked me if I could leave him on my insurance until his open enrollment and I said I would have to think about it. What should I do? I don't want him to walk all over me but at the same time I'm just not sure how to handle it.

Same thing with the lawyer service...I pay $20 per month and we have free lawyer service and he asked if we could get a mediator through that and I said would be taking him off the lawyer service as I did not feel comfortable.

I said that it was all a little much for the day and I understood his issues but would appreciate several more days to discuss and think about things.

How did I do? He was visibly upset and crying and said "do I think sometimes I might lie in bed and wonder if I made a mistake? Yes, I probably will but right now I think this is the right thing to do".

I guess I'm having a lot of trouble not please him. For instance, he wants to put the house on the market and I know it disappointed him that I didn't just do what he wanted. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do.

I did cry some, I know that is against the "rules" but I couldnt help it. I have been with him for 10 years and it was painful. He also said it was the most painful thing for him also.

Please any advice, anything at all.

My thought is that it ain't over until it's over. I need more advice specifically about how I'm suppose to handle his demands and splitting of things.

HELP ME!

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So I just had my first DB coaching session with Laurie.

I feel much better and feel I more clarity!

She basically said she does not think I should take him off my insurance because that would just be me helping him move forward with things. She said I should take him off the lawyer service I have and say that "I believe this marriage can be savied so I can't help with the lawyer service but I care about you and will keep you on my insurance".

She said I should meet with a lawyer but not to bring it up or tell him about it because he could perceive this as wanting to move forward but if he brings it up and asks say that "I did not retain a lawyer I just went because I had a few questions"

For the next two weeks I set the goals that if he does the following stuff then we will know we are moving the wrong direction:
-Gets a mediator
-Files legally for seperation
-Moves all of his stuff out

She said I should give him specific compliments.

I feel better and know that no matter what happens at least I'm keeping my dignity in this thing!

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Anyone?

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Ive never posted here-just been reading.
Im confused about the not moving his stuff out. My WAH is couch-surfing and left most everything here. On week 5, I moved his stuff into the garage. I felt that if he wanted to leave, I couldnt be here holding everything together for him. That I had to show him I am moving on and letting him go-like he asked.
I DO NOT want a divorce, he knows this, I did all the pleading before he actually left and now I am DB'ing. I do not think he has filed anything. There is presumably another woman (a "friend"). There have always been EA's and inappropriate exchanges with women. He medicates with alcohol and excitement with women. I was told I was crazy and jealous and now I know I was right. Did therapy, he will not address his personal and childhood issues (denial). He had no male role model in his life.I see therapist privately now, she says he has sexual/love addiction.
Kids devastated, me too. We get along great, have great connection but there is something broken in him. I have ralized my part in it, have told him and apologized. He has not admitted his part.
He is an avoider and runs from his problems
??


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