Gotta start somewhere...

[NNP1965]

I have been unable to think of a name for this... and several times I have come here and tried to update, but stared at a blank screen not able to type... other times I have typed a novel and not hit submit, 'cuz my situation has been so convoluted from the beginning even the people who have stuck with me through it all have a hard time following.

That said, I am determined to type this morning and hit the submit button!!

Basically H and I are separated and will eventually be getting a divorce. Not what I want... hasn't ever been what I want, but it's way past time for me to accept reality.

H is of he mind that this is all my fault! That I am angry and unwilling to work things out. But working things out to him is going back to how things were... he refuses to see that he has any work to do at all. His privacy is way more important to him than re-earning my trust.

[NNP1965]

A little background...

We have been married almost 21 years... have two teenage boys... H is active duty military and is stationed about 5 hours from us. About the time he got these orders I discovered he was having an affair with a co-worker.

Ideally to work things out we should have moved as a family but with the economy and housing market that was not possible.

There have been many issues over the years. Lots of dysfunctional stuff. I began counseling almost 4 years ago and started dealing with mine. Maybe that was why everything eventually came to a head.

I love my H... As mad as I have gotten over some things I have never stopped loving him for one day. I hope he will eventually look at himself, fall to his knees and figure out how to be good to himself and find happiness.

[WCW]

So good to see your post. I know the feeling of wanting to post or writing it all out and then hitting delete. BTDT!

Here's a feeling I get too, and sorry if it sounds harsh because I certainly am not wanting to 2x4 you. You want your H to change, you want him to be the H you want. Was he ever? Can he ever be the H of your dreams? If the answer is no then yes you should move on. Get the D done, stop dragging it out, just do it.

But, my opinion, from being a DB buddy all these years - you want change to happen NOW, because you are changing from your sessions with a C. After 21 years of a pattern of a dysfunctional M you can't expect a night and day change. and you know what? if that happened I would bet it wouldn't last either.

I think you are like me, and we are not good communicators. So....show your H by your actions what you want and how you want a M to be. If he is still active with his affair it won't be noticed. When that affair dies, if you are willing to be there, he will remember the person that you have been for him.

Your H has been like mine, he wasn't happy with me or the M, but he wouldn't leave and just be done with me. Rather than tell me or offer options he went outside the M to find comfort. You can call it cake eating, you can call it living on both sides, whatever. I call it eye opennig for me, and i had to find a way to change me for me, and to envelop the person that H remembered he fell in love with.

If you have honestly loved your H for 21 years then you do love the man he is, the H he is, the father he is, and it is up to you to offer him the pieces he needs to discard to continue in the M with you if he doesn't want to be divorced.

Ok, and now I am hitting submit before I read this all and hit delete.

(((NNP)))

[NNP1965]

you are right our M has been very dysfunctional and as much as I would like things to change overnight, I know that is not possible. I have been patient (although not as patient as you my friend lol ).

H does not feel he needs to make any changes at all. He thinks "we just need to have some fun together" and that I need to get over my anger and forget about things that have happened in the past.

I feel we need to deal with the things that have happened so they do not happen again.

It may seem selfish of me, but I need him to want to re-earn my trust. I want that passionate marriage based on respect, trust, and honesty that oldtimer mentioned so long ago in my sitch.

I am willing to do the work to get it, but I can not do it alone.

[Toomanywords]

You weren't kidding about being in the same place hun.

Willing to do the work; he blames you and says you are angry.
I know 21 years of marriage is nothing to 5+2 years of dating and I know that I don't have kids adding into the mix. Plus military life for the "soldier" and the wife can be very unique and difficult.

Like others have told me - only you know when enough is enough.

Just an interesting note I seen -I was looking at your profile and I noticed that we came to these boards just 3 days apart from each other. (weird that for some people, like yourself, you can go back to your original posts but mine don't).

Here we are, 5 years later. My D was final 47 days later (yep, Ohio dissolution is quick) & I started (or restarted) the R with BF and we see where that has brought me to as of today.

Just a suggestion - maybe you should look back, from the very begining of your R. All the ups and downs. Maybe even make a list of all the positives and negatives.
Then also look specifically at the last 5 years. What brought you the boards, the journey you and the marriage have been on.

Who knows - maybe I'm just babbling cause I didn't get much sleep.

[NNP1965]

I was thinking of some goals last night.

1. Read my Bible! I think it is time to give up all these "self-help" books I have spent a small fortune on and remember to read the true self-help book more often.

2. Eat better. I lost 70# 4 years ago by limiting my sugar and upping my protein intake. In the last 12 months I have gained 15 back and summer is almost here, wish I had woke up sooner on this one. UGH!

3. Exercise more. Not sure how I let this slide... I was doing so good (boot camp 2 times per week, elliptical every other day) and then about Jan stopped everything, gotta get back to it.

4. Keep focused at work. Not really sure how I even have survived this past 18 months. Some days go by and I feel like I spent 8 hours staring at my computer screen. I know I am not letting things slide too badly, but still I owe my employer my FULL attention!

5. Keep up better with the housework. Many days I come home from work and feel like I just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head. I think I could get rid of 3/4 of the stuff in the house. No one needs all this stuff... I am beginning to hate stuff!

and finally and most importantly:
6. Spend more quality time one on one with my sons. I am always with them, but they are so close in age that it has always been a challenge to have time to devote to each of them individually.

[BobbiJo]

I need to borrow some of your goals...nice work!

[NNP1965]

thanks use whatever you like.

I had a pretty good weekend. Went to see Letters for Juliet. Really good movie. It didn't even make me sad... actually it made me hopeful.

H was here this weekend, I did a good job of enforcing my boundaries and that felt really good.

[NNP1965]

I'm a little blue today. I need to do something productive instead of giving in to the melancholy. Guess I will go pick some strawberries today, the local farm is offering a 25% military discount. Can't beat that

[NNP1965]

Anniversary #21