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Hello Ms. aver..

Newmama's advice is excellent!

The pain of your divorce is not yours alone. Parents feel like a failure if their children divorce.. that they're at fault. They have their own fear of losing their relationship with you, losing touch with their grandchildren/nieces, nephews. They are deeply hurt. They have their own grief to work through. But they have good friends who can listen. Having that final cry is putting your mother-in-law in a sticky situation.. and not a good one either. It's different if she has an emotional meltdown with you. This was a child of her womb. But even that is dicey.

I found I had to forge a ..not new... but different relationship with my former in-laws. I was consistent early on to keep saying that I'd like to have a relationship with them (sisters and mom) but that I understood and did not want to come in the way of their relationship with their brother/son. It helped immensely that my mother-in-law told her daughters that I'd been a member of the family for 25 years and that I still was.

My mother-in-law and I don't talk about him. My sisters-in-law will talk about him to vent. Over time I've learned to listen a bit, not take things personally then subtly change the subject to something else. Hearing about him, especially in the most painful times did nothing positive for me. Yet I realize they have their own pain.. but it doesn't have to be mine.

The former spouse blamed me for everything that ever went wrong, still does. I was thankful during the painful time that he didn't take any responsibility because no one can do the wrong thing 100% of the time!

Good job on getting out of the self medicated blur. The good and bad of that is that you experience the feelings of loss but in a way that leads to growth and healing.

A suggestion... stop capitalizing them.. She, The Happy Couple... etc. It's giving like deferring to their eminence.. like you'd refer to the pope or royal couple.

Why did he leave a relationship you felt was great? Who knows.. and you never will. But goodness me, he's gone out of his way to prove he's done (and probably has been for a while).

In my case I still desperately wanted a relationship as parents but he didn't/couldn't based on her needs. So he moved in immediately with her (joint account and all)two weeks after the bomb, got married about 3 months after the divorce was final and are now welcoming a baby after a year and a half of marriage.

And you know what? It's none of my business.. nor do I want it to be. Babies are miracles, deserve all the love possible. And he's not my husband. My emotional wellbeing is not forefront in his mind. He's a guy who's neglects his children and pays the alimony/support on time.

It's a very tough time. You're doing all the right things. Keep going and showing that incredible aver you are.

*hugs*

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I will post one more thing. Even if you were the worst wife on the planet you did not deserve this. If you were like me you were a good one. Wonder

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Thanks, Gypsy.

Your words and story are hard, but necessary.

I will stop capitalizing them.

One more step:
I just deleted the email folder I had set up for any mail from him to go directly to.
Not that I had gotten any emails from him since I bought the house in May.
I had deleted most everything from that box except:
The mystery email he sent me in October: while living with OW; opening night of the community theatre show he was working on, he sent me an article about ambulances (I'm on rescue squad)
No idea why.
At the time, of course, I took it as hope--he's thinking of me! For some reason, he is not at opening night show with her--he is home and read this and thought of me!

I deleted that tonight.

I then copied down the email info he sent me on the house internet password stuff, and deleted that email.
Then I deleted all my deleted email.
Then I went thru "sent" mail and deleted every note I have sent to his mother, and to him.

All gone. By-by.
If I weren't at work, I would cry. Having a hard time not.

Still struggling with the baby stuff. Still on the down side of the roller coaster, but I think it has bottomed out. Should be climbing back up again soon, I hope.

Guess it is just the grief. Just the pain I blotted out last year working its way through.

Had a great run today. Looking forward to an afternoon run tomorrow.

Work is good; community theatre is good; took a break from rescue this month; house and tenants and cats are good; friends are good.

Lots of good to focus on.

Just some tears left to get through.

Have a good night, all!

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Dear (((Aver))),
Just caught up on your post, & again I can't improve on all the wisdom here. Congratulate yourself for those email deletes, I know that's harder than it sounds. I still have 2-3 yrs. worth of emails from H in my work email I haven't deleted. Don't read em, but have not deleted. But I will.

I've read even those simple acts like giving away clothes that have "memories" attached, the stuff you've done, helps immensely on a psychological & very real level.

When I moved, I remember going through the closets & finding my wedding shoes. Only wore them once. To Goodwill they went, along w alot of clothing from my past, almost all of it w H. It's very much a purging symbolically & physically. You are on the right track. You are doing great, and just want to send lots of love & hugs your way. (((())))) Gypsy is so right, & the others too. I am thinking of you & will check back soon. Stay strong. Hugs!

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Hey Aver..

Pat yourself on the back for deleting all those emails. I know it's hard but how wonderful you'll no longer see or have to look for them. When I was going through stuff, I came across a small notebook we'd taken on our honeymoon. He'd written me a little note saying how much he loved me.. etc. I think I held onto it.. for the kids, of course (more like me).. as a way of desperately validating that it had been real.

Of course it was real. But my reality is much different now. Not something I would have willingly chosen even though life is calmer, more serene without the stress of a marriage on boulders falling down the cliff which I rationalized was a rough patch but normal. Yes.. I wanted it to work. But now I know what 'work' is.

It's like I'm looking forward now. When I was in the play this fall, one guy, about 5 or 10 years older than me liked me. He's married so I was quite direct in what I felt was appropriate and more or less had a guillotine attitude toward anything untoward.

I met his wife.. and when we were talking she told how she'd blown him off in college until he'd done this incredibly sweet sensitive thing. She said somewhat dismissively.. "He's weird." My first thought was oh my goodness. Never feel you're better than your spouse and/or put them down in front of others. I think that's how things start to turn.

It was a sudden flash.. and I'm not looking nor do I want anything from or with him. But a light went off.

Keep doing what's getting you in a better place. Self care is your best friend. Feeling all those emotions is tough, working through them is great. Keeping seeing folks who are supportive, who can listen. I found seeing an excellent counselor helped immensely in processing all this fun stuff.

And I still going through it.. just not as much. And I backslide when I have to deal with him.. but each time less so. And I'm the one who makes my own misery, not him. He's just trying to check off something from a past life he wants nothing to do with.

Keep posting. Keep growing. You're the best.

*hugs*

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Aver,

Good for you for deleting that folder. Baby steps lead to bigger steps in the whole "moving on" process... smile


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Dear Aver, How are you? What did you do for T-Giving? I am so, so nuts w work it's starting to become a problem for me, much as I want to post, I've been staying away from the computer when I'm not at work.

Anyway, thinking of you & hoping you are feeling as fabulous as you are!! I'l check in soon.
(((((hugs)))))

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Hi all, and thanks so much for posting!

Gypsy, do you do community plays? Tell me about them!

I was at my sister's for Tgiving, travel and all so didn't post.

Here is where I am at:

self-forgiveness

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14690-self-forgiveness/

My marriage broke up because I couldn't commit wholly and lovingly to the R.

I know, I know, it takes 2. My IC is practically beating me to accept that it takes 2, and the whole thing was not 100% my fault.

But this is where I am on the journey.

The baby news has just knocked me back. Who knew? The only thing that gives me consolation is picturing him out walking the dog in the morning, pushing a stroller and holding a plastic bag of dog-doo.

So, the grief is hitting me hard. I guess I am just feeling the pain that I blocked so effectively with anxiety and alcohol last year.

I thought of LFA, who wrote that when she saw her STBXH in December for the divorce, it would be a year since she had seen him.

I can almost say that. Mid-December last year, we met to go over finances. I saw him out of the corner of my eye in March at Town Meeting. We spoke on the phone in May when he gave me the happy marriage news. Anyhow, the point is I still get knocked over when I think it has been a year since we really saw or spoke.

My IC asks if I am still "wrestling with reality" (Byron Katie and all)

I hope not. Every time I say "I can't believe this happened!" I answer "you CAN believe it. It did."

So, the grief is present, and hard. I do find I can be pulled out of my sorrow by almost any little friendly interaction--and my students and friends are great for that. So at least I am not in the numb unresponsive phase, anymore.

Wish me luck as I try to take these steps to self-forgiveness. It almost seems the hardest thing of all.

Be well, all!

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((((Aver))), thinking of you. You are so strong, keep pulling yourself from the sorrow, seek it out. You can do this! I just replied to your post under the "Goals" thread here in Surviving. Brief update there, but will post back soon! Lots of hugs & positive thoughts to you ((((())))). Talk soon! LFA

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Aver, just wanted to let you know I started a new thread here in Surviving, it's called D is final. Not the most original title is it! Also, my old thread got locked - wasnt' able to post a notice there. Anyhoo, I hoope you're doing OK & sending you lots of hugs & positive energy! (((()))) Talk to you soon.

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