Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
He has been so back and forth on everything that I do believe he wants his own place but is not sure whether he wants to be done or not and is worried about the finanical impact on our 3 children and how they will live.

When we split up before he told me he respected me now he has no respect for me at all. I had become an escape goat for him and think the same pattern happened again accept alot worse because now it is MLC too. Uggghhhh!

We even talked about him getting his own place and staying at our house 3-4 days a week and not tell the children. We would say that he needed to do it for work. He said he needed to focus on himself and getting well and what terrible shape he was in and he couldn't do it living in our household. I agreed to this and told him that if that is what he needed o.k., I was not happy that he was so miserable in our house but he needs to be healthy and if he needs that, we should do it. Than he never did anything about it and got mad at me because I did not make it happen.

It is like he keeps waiting for me to do something about what he wants to do or change all the things he doesn't like about me all at once and just gets frustrated because I don't meet the "standard" and don't do anything. Kinda like these little "tests" to see if I pass and when I don't an "I told you so".

I feel like sometimes he does things so that I will kick him out so he doesn't have to be the "bad guy" but I told him that I will not kick him out and I will not leave. He has told me that he is going to make my life as miserable as possible so I can see how much we should not be together.

I asked him before why he just doesn't leave if I make his life so miserable and he said that I needed to suffer. I asked him why he thought things have been so easy for me, I have had the losses right along with him and I am hurting and trying to heal too but I don't blame him, what good does blame do to help anything?

He got mad and yelled at me last night because our 3 year old son kept coming in the room while he was helping our daughter with her homework and I "didn't control him". He didn't care what I had - "my ADD or whatever the Hell makes me not pay attention!"

He told me that I don't care about anything, that I treat that just like I do anything else - I don't care about it. I did not really respond and avoided him the rest of the evening. I finally went to him and told him that I AM fixing the messes that I have made and he said the damage was done and he is really tired and stressed and he can't take the stress anymore.

He told me a few days ago he is going to help me get a new car because mine is old and falling apart and than he is done.

Than he made a comment to the babysitter this am that he likes his women lively and was flirting with her.

He is an aggressive person usually but does use passive agressive too to get to me and sometimes I definately take the bait. He has said sometimes, "don't hate the player, hate the game". I asked him what that meant. Currently he is making rude remarks jokingly and I don't take the bait or say "yeah, I know and laugh".

I think he honestly has some legitimate reasons to be mad at me but he is acting like a giant child and taking no responsiblity for his part in anything or trying to turn anything around. He has always been a hot-head with a strong personality and very stubborn. He was raised to "fight" and that is how he approaches things.

I think he would feel very crummy leaving because he knows the kids will be hurt because they adore both of us and financially things would be difficult for both of us more so than they are now. He remembers his childhood and how horrible it was and does not want that for them and some days he says, "kids are resilient, they will adapt".

I don't come from a broken home and I really hate this and it is unnatural to me. I remember growing up and feel like the problems are created by "us" and the solutions can happen with "us" but he doesn't see it like I do and we have 2 different experiences. I see "us" against the outside and internal elements to fight against and he sees me and our relationship as what he needs to fight against.

I believe in forgiveness, compromise, and agreeing to disagree. I don't need to "win" and I don't have bad ethics or morals because I don't want to fight about everything and just pick my battles. I believe everyone makes mistakes and no matter how frustrating it may be to be patient if they don't get it, why shouldn't you if you love them? They aren't you and aren't supposed to be.

Aside from money and the kids I think part of the reason he has not left is because I am not bad to him, I am not mean to him (usually) and only defend myself if provoked, I try to treat him with love and respect no matter how he acts and even if I have to go and cry because it hurt my feelings. He has said before that he knows I would do anything for him but it is always the stuff he doesn't need, not what he really needs.

Therein lies my dilemma, I am supposed to "figure out" what that is which I am not good at so I have been looking at the way I was taught to be supportive and how it does not seem to be what HE NEEDS for support and what would show him that I can support and respect him and that I really do listen to him. I think I need to do the total opposite of everything I have been doing and see how that works out.

At the same time I am rebuilding my confidence and doing things for me that make me feel better about myself. Two things going on - keeping my eyes on my plate and my issues but also being there for my husband not for the BS stuff but when he is "real" for those moments when he is "himself" so he can talk to me and share with me if he wants to, tuning out the rubbish and responding to his hurt and pain when he wants to share it and trying very hard not to get sucked into the games. :o)


Me: 37
Husband: 39
Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now
Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2
"If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!"
"You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
Below is an email I got and it's pretty powerful for those of us with codependent relationships. It may have some answers for some of you and may help you in some areas that you may not see...I hope it does! :o)

Are you experiencing an unusually high level of stress when
it comes to dealing with your partner? Our team of experts will
show you the proper way to restore the lines of communication and
get to the heart of the REAL issues that are bothering you as a
couple.

When a codependent and a needy person get together, both parties
get into a reciprocal state that may mimic a healthy relationship
on the surface. However, this "mutually beneficial" cycle is
actually destructive for the people involved.

In a typical scenario, the needy person usually mistakes his or her
parasitic need for a person as true love.

Despite their potential for truly caring about someone else, a
dependent individual is too caught up with draining their partner's
resources without giving anything back. Often, you'll hear such a
person saying that he/she "can't live without" their partner.

To some extent, we all have an inner need to be nurtured. Once in
a while, we yearn for someone else to be in charge of our welfare.
The problem is when these kinds of feelings become the single, most
powerful driving force in a person's life.

By being totally dependent on a partner or spouse, the needy one
has no real interest in growing as a healthy person. Instead,
their never-ending feeling of emptiness and low tolerance for being
alone, even for a little while, pushes them to suck the life out of
their partner in this one-sided relationship.

There are even some cases where a dependent person incapacitates
him or herself on purpose so that their self-sacrificing partner
will be forced to spend all their time on them.

Usually, the root of this dysfunctional behavior traces back to a
deprived childhood.

This kind of mindset can develop during a person's formative years
where the subject's parents have neglected their emotional needs in
some way.

When a needy person grows up with a lack of attention or adequate
nurturing, they evolve into highly insecure adults. They often
have this perpetual sense of being incomplete and even doubt if
they are truly loveable.

Thus, they find the real world a scary place and form relationships
out of their fear of being alone (rather than out of love).

On the other side of this vicious cycle is the codependent person
who unconsciously perpetuates this sort of relationship.

He/she feels this overpowering need to go through ridiculous
lengths to take care of their dependent partner's needs without
focusing on the actual root of the problem.

Codependency is a condition where someone is driven to assume any
and all responsibility for everything as they feel that they are at
fault. So, they take up the needless (and often thankless) duty of
dedicating all their energy to fixing everything to an unhealthy
extent.

In essence, there are just some people who assume NO responsibility
for the state of affairs in their lives and forsake any attempt at
self-reflection. They end up frustrated because their
eager-to-please partner buckles under the strain of being the sole
provider of their happiness.

If you look on the other side of the coin, there are partners who
take TOO MUCH responsibility in areas that are beyond their own
"jurisdiction". When these two types get together in a
relationship, both of them will end up miserable in the long run.

If some of this is sounding nauseatingly familiar, it may be time
to sit down and talk about it. But most crucial to your success as
much what you say as how you say it. Conversation Chemistry is a
course that specializes in positive communication skills:
http://www.meetyoursweet.com/conversationchemistry

This kind of self-sacrifice comes in different forms. A common
kind of codependency lays in the person's ability make endless
excuses for their partner's needy behavior.

They are so willing to compensate for the serious imbalance in the
relationship - even if it means compromising their integrity or
ignoring the real problem.

For example, a woman might encourage her emotionally abusive
husband to remain the same by stretching herself thin. Out of some
misplaced sense of pity, the codependent party actually prolongs
their partner's behavior by doting on them instead of truly helping
the needy person.

Perhaps a husband is married to an alcoholic woman and absolves her
of any responsibility for her actions. Rather than help her go
through the painful but necessary process of rehab, he takes the
"easy route" by denying reality and unconsciously supporting her
neediness.

Another variety of codependency occurs when one fears that their
needy partner may no longer need their "help" one day. In this
way, they misinterpret keeping their spouse dependent as nurturing
them.

When you look at things closely, the pleasure this person gets from
the power they have over a needy person actually stunts their
partner's emotional growth.

It's the dread of not being "loved" or needed that keeps both
partners running around in circles - and exhausted in all respects.

Like needy people, these codependent partners usually develop their
neurotic tendencies during childhood. This is highly likely to
happen if their parents happen to be needy people themselves.

The seeds of codependency take root in a young person's mind when
their parents complain to them (implicitly or explicitly) that they
are causing them unhappiness or stress.

Thus, they feel responsible for other people's joy and are ridden
with an unnecessary guilt.

A truly healthy marriage or partnership is made up of two
independent and well-adjusted people. Their deeds are done out of
a true concern for the other person, and not manipulation that's
masquerading as "good intentions".

For instance, a couple may occasionally take the load off each
other's backs by reversing their usual roles. A husband might try
doing the laundry while his wife manages the month's bills for a
change.

In a way, they are exercising their "life skills" in the event that
one of them may pass away.

Loving your partner should overcome your need to be with that
person. What we're saying is that you should do what you can to
truly make him or her a better person even if it means difficulty
on your part.

Based on what we discussed however, distinguishing the things that
you are (and aren't) responsible for is a not a clear-cut matter.

Nevertheless, ignoring the issue won't make it go away by itself.
The first part of solving any problem is acknowledging that it
exists.

The problem that dysfunctional couples have is that they're so
trapped in a vicious cycle without realizing that they're already
knee-deep in a bad situation.

The human tendency to avoid the discomfort in dealing with problems
keeps many couples from ending their destructive patterns.
Remember, the primary reason that behavioral problems exist is to
avoid confronting reality.

Therefore, the key to finding relief goes beyond knowing you have a
problem. It also takes the determination to endure the inevitable
pain that comes with finding a solution. The sooner that we accept
that life is naturally hard, the easier it will be to do something
about our problems.

Sometimes, it takes the expert eye of a specialist to spot the
imbalance in a relationship. If you feel that any of the scenarios
we described somehow reflects your own situation, then seeking help
from a counselor will be helpful.

Seeing things from the perspective of a trained professional will
help bring any long-standing issues to light. While you're at it,
supplement your efforts by looking into local support groups and
written literature that deal with codependency.

The bottom line is this: the quest for emotional maturity as a
couple requires a higher sense of objective self-awareness and the
willingness to follow through with a long-term solution.

Yours in marriage success,

Amy Waterman

SaveMyMarriageToday.com


Me: 37
Husband: 39
Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now
Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2
"If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!"
"You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
I am going to vent here because I am really frustrated. This weekend was terrible and my husband and I got into terrible arguments on Saturday and he told me he hates me and is too restless and he can't stand my BS anymore, he wants me to leave and he wants to be happy and can't do it in our household, he is comfortable but not happy, it is not what he wants. I got emotional and cried like a baby and became depressed. I know this didn't help at all.

I even mentioned the married woman who has been persuing him and told him he shoves her in my face and why can't he ever just want to make it work with me? What is wrong with trying to learn new patterns and he said I live in a fairy tale world. What couple do I know that have been happy together since having therapy or counseling?

He said he knows who he is and what he wants and no one is going to tell him how he feels about anything. He said that he knows he has treated me like sh*t and he is sorry but he has every right to feel how he feels.

Than yesterday he kept talking about how if I won the lottery would I give him money if he were married to someone else and I said no, that I would if he were single but not if he were married. Than he said I tell him I want him to be happy but when it comes right down to it I really don't because if I did and someone else made him happy than I would be happy for him. He said that he would always support me and not abandon me whether we are together or not. When I came back later in the day he asked why I did not stay at my parents house for good (I was visiting) and I said I have a job and will not stay there. He said "good so I don't need to give you any money". I said, "yes, for the kids" and he said "only one of the kids is mine because she was planned and the other 2 were my fault."

I told him that the past few years I have been learning alot and understanding how I think better because of the ADHD diagnosis and he asked if he is going to have to wait another 20 years for me since I am 20 years behind everyone else and how he couldn't do it, he will be 40 years old in a few months and he is finally going to do what makes him happy.

I told him this morning that I do understand everything and why he feels how he feels and he said that I brought our relationship to this because I had time to fix things and didn't do anything about it and let it slip away, and it is the way it is because of me. He doesn't take any responsiblity for anything about our relationship problems and that really bothers me, I did not make it bad by myself.

He said that I don't have what he needs and I told him that I know that I do. He said that I may be convinced but he is the one that needs to be and he doesn't believe me and I haven't shown him otherwise.

I know my emotional state is not helping things. I just get so frustrated and upset, it is really hard to deal with this sometimes. I don't get to devote the time I would like to to reading and when I get really upset my brain seems to leave the building.

I pray and try to find ways to calm myself down because I know me being emotional is making the other woman 100% more appealing and easier for him to justify himself but it doesn't make me any less upset and hurt.

Does anyone have any pointers on how to calm yourself down quickly and not be hurt especially if they use the "buttons" that they know will hurt you and say some things that are true?

Thanks for any input! It is much appreciated!

Last edited by JeanBean; 05/24/10 12:38 PM.

Me: 37
Husband: 39
Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now
Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2
"If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!"
"You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 430
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 430
It's a long hard road to detachment, JeanBean..but necessary for your mental health to detach from his drama, and making a conscious effort to not allow him to affect you.

It's hard to remember what he's going through, and all too easy to get into reaction mode.

All it does is further feed his justification for what he's doing/saying..and when you become calm and detached, it takes away his ammunition.

When you detach, it simply means you recognize you cannot help him, and you refuse to get sucked into his drama..as you know, when you argue and try to make him see reason, it only gets worse.

Gotta learn to stand back and watch..yet, at the same time, work on yourself, learning who YOU are...as when he put you on this path that was not of your making, he made this about YOU.

No one said it was easy, but it CAN be done..learn to recognize the buttons he pushes, and try and remember that it's ONLY words, they can't hurt you...you know the truth within your heart, and no amount of anger/spewing can take that away.

Remember this has NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with him...he's got the problem, NOT you.

There are grains of truth in all they spew, and look within yourself, also remembering that change, when effected, is for YOU, not him.

The crisis presents an opportunity for YOU to grow..hopefully he will follow, but if he doesn't, it's HIS loss.

Gotta let go, let God take care of the situation, get on with your life AS IF he's not in it for now.

When he needs you, he will come to you...

Been there, done that...wasn't easy for me, either..I wanted to argue and reason, and it simply cannot be done.

I listened to alot of angry spewing from him, and it took a great deal of strength to withstand the onslaught of hate, anger, and pure spewing that I listened to, and not take it personally.

You're right, as long as you're emotionally engaged, the OW looks more appealing, and, if possible, you'd like him to come back toward you, but be willing to let him go if he chooses to walk out the door....and he could, you know...again, that would have NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with him.

When a person does something to another, the person that does it has a problem, not the person it's being done to.

I know you're going through an awful lot, but right now, he is NOT interested in doing anything about the marriage..so you have to let go, let God do His work on your husband.

Take care of you and the children, they are the most important people at the moment.

Much love,
HB smile


Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
Thanks very much for the words of wisdom HeartsBlessing! I know that you are right and it is very hard to let go, he has been in my life for such a long time and I don't want to be just his "friend" or the mother of his children.

I guess part of me feels really guilty because I have done alot of wrong too, I want to make it different but he doesn't and not even being given the chance hurts alot.

I basically did the same thing to him when we split before, I walked away and did not listen when he wanted to work on things, I wasn't interested - I was very angry and also ashamed of myself, I blamed it all on him but knew deep down that it wasn't right, we both were doing wrong in different ways instead of really trying. I ran away... so I do understand where he is coming from and learned myself how wrong it was.

"No one said it was easy, but it CAN be done..learn to recognize the buttons he pushes, and try and remember that it's ONLY words, they can't hurt you...you know the truth within your heart, and no amount of anger/spewing can take that away."

"When a person does something to another, the person that does it has a problem, not the person it's being done to."

The above are extremely helpful to me and I need to remember these when I am feeling weak and lost which seems to be happening alot.

When we were split before I met a woman at work who told me to "let go and let God, you are in the way" and it seems to be something that has been told to me often over the past 5 years. Perhaps I am more hard-headed and stubborn than I thought I was, my "helping" isn't "helping".

Another thing that I found very straight forward and useful was when she shook her head and told me to "woman-up!" She was a very wise woman who had lived a hard life and God helped her change everything for herself, a wonderful strong woman!

Sometimes when my husband talks to me it seems like he is light-years ahead of me and "gets things" and understands things and is so right on target that it is amazing. For a man, he can be such a deep thinker and understands people and their motives and intentions with amazing accuracy.

Thanks again for your words, they truly do help me and the support is welcomed!
smile


Me: 37
Husband: 39
Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now
Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2
"If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!"
"You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,064
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,064
You posted before you left 4 years ago because your husband was violent. I am going to play devil's advocate here, and say maybe we shouldn't be encouraging you to stay with him if that is indeed the case.

Am I the only one that picked up on that, or are y'all just ignoring it?

Last edited by Andabelle; 05/27/10 07:39 PM.
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
Yes, I understand your concern. My husband is definately no saint. He has been violent in the past. He was abused growing up and was diagnosed with bipolar when we split up.

He went to anger management and I do believe it takes an effort on his part to restrain himself at times from his "first reaction", the one he was taught.

He is not like he was before in that respect, not saying that it could never happen but I have noticed since his seeking help previously he has learned other ways to express himself.

I have learned with most mental illness there are "triggers" that can make things really bad, it is learning the "triggers" and understanding what they are and yourself and those close to you that seems to help.

Thanks for the concern!


Me: 37
Husband: 39
Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now
Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2
"If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!"
"You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard