Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
I know that you are right, I know that self-esteem is from yourself and I have always believed you can't give what you don't have yourself (self-love) and I use to love myself no matter what even if I stood alone so I know how unhealthy I am and how it is destroying me physically as well. I am kinda trying to heal everything at this point and am really greatful to have found this site! I know this is going to help me alot! :o)

I think my husband's rejection at the same time as all of my own struggles - depression & being diagnosed with ADHD & chronic health issues made me feel terrible about myself and reinforced my feelings of not being good enough and made me feel very alone and worthless.

I used to be a huge optimist - just naturally, always curious and loved to be alive. I always viewed life as a gift. I remember what that feels like and life without depression, anxiety, and fears and I am determined to get "her" back (accept alot wiser and stronger).

Part of what I have been doing is learning all I can about ADHD and what helps and what hurts with it because it sure isn't going anywhere! It has pros to it also and not just cons and I need to play up the pros and recognize and do what I can to help with the cons and accept them without feeling bad about them.

I guess what I am figuring out is regardless of my husband I need to be able to look in the mirror again and smile and mean it and love being alive again and if he can love her too I will be thrilled and if he doesn't there is nothing I can do about that. Thanks for all of your words of wisdom and advice. Truth is always welcome! :o)

AND please feel free to poke me when necessary if I start veering off course - I need to be held accountable and recognize that I need help with that! Thanks again! :o))


Me: 37
Husband: 39
Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now
Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2
"If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!"
"You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
That sounds great! Playful and silly can help tremendously so that's fine with me! I miss belly laughs too! I love, love, love to laugh and know how theraputic humor can be!

I have an identical twin sister that moved to another state a few months ago and we used to have belly laughs regularly just looking at each other and talk about anything and everying.

She had a nervous break down a couple years ago and has had Chron's Disease since we were kids and is not the same and kinda "out there" alot so I have mourned the loss of that bond too. We still talk but it is not the same closeness and probably will never be although I don't loose hope that in time it will be better.

I feel like the rug got pulled out from under me in life in general and every area was hit hard and knocked me over. Everything that has really mattered to me has been impacted. It has been very hard to get back up. I know I can't wallow in self-pity but it does hurt like hell!

I can ask you everyday what you did to keep you on task and you can do the same for me! I could really use that little kick in the butt and reminder to keep me grounded! Thanks so much! I will have to let you know tomorrow what I did since I haven't done anything yet today. :o)


Me: 37
Husband: 39
Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now
Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2
"If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!"
"You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,443
Likes: 31
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,443
Likes: 31
How is my homework assignment going? Do you have any questions?


Me-68, D35,S34
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
Thanks for asking! :o) I have read the detachment and was blown away - my husband and I are a pittiful mess and I see both of us in so much of it so I am stepping back.

I believe that the split we had 4 years ago started us on the right path to healing and we got back together too soon because of our son and now it is an even bigger mess.

I believe I stand in the way of him healing because of trying to "help him" and I see where we both have "stunted" each others growth and become resentful and blaming of each other instead of getting what we should be out of our relationship. We are hurting each other even though neither of us means to.

I have put my focus on me and paying attention only to the areas in me that he has complained about that are valid and I do not like in myself. I have also put the focus on my healing because I have neglected it and feeling my feelings and accepting them and letting them go.

It is kind of a strange way of looking at it but I view it as a giant black sickness that I am giving to God to take from me so that I can be strong enough to handle the black sickness in my husband if that is meant to be without causing further harm and destruction.

I have had a lot of really difficult and painful experiences since childhood in my life and I feel like they happened to prepare me for this and I need the strength and endurance that only an "unsick" inside can give, mind, body, and spirit - whole and healthy.

As it stands it's been like the blind leading the blind and we just bump into walls. That doesn't work. I can't make my husband well but I can make me well (God willing) and that is what I am doing.

Thanks again for checking in on me I will definately read the rest of them as well. The detachment one really hit home for me though. :o)


Me: 37
Husband: 39
Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now
Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2
"If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!"
"You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
One other item...my husband told me yesterday that he is an angry person, he has been angry his whole life but I seem to bring it out in him. I just listened and did not say anything back.

I forgot something (my credit score) that he thought was important but I have a very difficult time remembering numbers and wrote it down but didn't have the paper with me. He told me that I should remember it because it's important and that I will never change. He said that I do the same thing with that that I do with everything else and treat it half-assed and don't follow through. Later at night we were looking at houses online and watching the tornadoes in the south (my sister lives there). It was calm and we talked normally to each other.

He bought me a cup of coffee yesterday morning and he has also been doing a little bit more around the house to help out.

He made a comment about how nothing is ever good enough for me a few days ago and that he knows I am stressed and feel like he has dropped everything in my lap. I told him that I really am thankful for all the help he has been giving me and it has been a tremendous help that I really appreciate and left it at that.

Another thing I thought about was a conversation we had a little while back and I told him I wanted to do whatever would make this work. He said that he needs to go get his own place then and than maybe, we will see. He said that he knew how I felt about him but that he needs a change.

Last edited by JeanBean; 05/13/10 04:48 PM.

Me: 37
Husband: 39
Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now
Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2
"If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!"
"You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Sorry you started talking about loving yourself and I didn't get much further than the pictures in my head.

I hope you are having a great day. smile

and THANKS!



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 32
LOL!!! Thanks! I hope you have a great day as well! :o))


Me: 37
Husband: 39
Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now
Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2
"If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!"
"You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 91
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 91
J3B - you are one very naughty boy


Choose Life
Me: 45
Him: 44
S:11
D:8
Met in 1992
Married in 1995
Bomb drop September 30th 2009
Divorce final April 16th 2011
exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
I'm just drawn that way.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 443
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 443
Quote:
I believe that the split we had 4 years ago started us on the right path to healing and we got back together too soon because of our son and now it is an even bigger mess.

I believe I stand in the way of him healing because of trying to "help him" and I see where we both have "stunted" each others growth and become resentful and blaming of each other instead of getting what we should be out of our relationship. We are hurting each other even though neither of us means to.


YES!! I TOTALLY get this! And it sucks. It's going to be hard, but I can see how trying to fix it & push it & doing it to soon can make it worse.

So does this mean that your H wants his own place? Or does he mean figuratively? What ways have you been giving him space?


formerly known as "shelbel"
Me 40, stbxh 40
DSs 9, 7 & 3
M9, T10
Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard