Hello Everyone, I am new here but have been trying to "save" my marriage with my husband. I believe he is going through a MLC and I know an old "friend" from when he was young (who is unhappily married) and has 3 kids has been pursuing him.
He is really angry at me and has said all the usual stuff about how he never loved me, etc. We had split 4 years ago (my doing) and got back together. We had a terrible 3 years with jobs, new baby, lost house, health problems on both ends, and I lied to him about some serious things he found out about and now doesn't trust me. In the same token he has cheated on me and was abusive before our split.
We have 3 children together and I have been doing alot of reading and realize that he has needs that I am not meeting and have worked on changing the things about myself that I don't like.
My self-esteem is horrible and he has told me he is not attracted to me, he doesn't trust me, he doesn't believe I will ever change, I don't challenge him, my communication is terrible, I'm not assertive, and he stayed with me all these years because of the kids and his own insecurities.
This morning he said "is that all we ever have to talk about is work?" I said "no, we can talk about the kids, bills, the household, or anything else." He said, "yeah, you would say that." I told him we can talk about anything - sex, the relationship, whatever but he is not receptive to it and he said that it is my fault and I need to figure out how to change that.
Sometimes he talks like he really wants to go and other times he seems like he doesn't. He won't have sex with me and hasn't for the past 2 years and although I am 103 lbs. and not bad looking and do take care of my appearance he thinks I have "let myself go".
He started to open up more about his childhood about a week ago (he has before in the past) and than told me he did not want to talk to me about it because I have never made him feel comforted about it. I am a calm, peace-maker type person who is prone to depression and self-blame alot.
He told me that the woman he talks to he can actually have a conversation with because there is a give and take in the conversation unlike in ours. He tells me that I never listen to him and that he has told me time and again what he needs and I do everything but that. (Note: I was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago and take medicine for it and have been working on my issues with it).
He told me that he doesn't believe that I really love him even though I tell him he is wrong. He said he has no respect for me and that I am a liar and don't even know my own feelings.
He has said before that I don't step up to the plate when he needs me to. He thinks my pace is too slow and I am "too blonde" as he puts it and live in denial. He told me I squashed his feelings and he was squasing mine.
He said that he does see some changes but it is too late and they just make him angry because I should have done them 10 years ago and he has no patience for me.
The thing is I really do love this man and I want to turn things around for us as much as I can. I am making changes because I have to - I need to love myself again but I also want to reconcile my relationship with my husband - not the "old" one but a new healthy one for both of us. I really want to meet his needs.
I am lost though and not sure what to do or say to make things go in the right direction. I try to just listen and than he gets angry and says I keep ignoring him. He is like a yo-yo and I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride. Please help! :o)
Me: 37 Husband: 39 Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2 "If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!" "You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Welcome to this board. I posted at the same time as you on newcomers and I am glad you started a thread here.
You may get conflicting advice by posting on multiple forums. Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice. I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Thanks very much for responding to me and the advice! I really appreciate it. I am not ready to give up on "us" but I do think we are "unhealthy" for each other right now.
I know this other woman wants to step right in and contacts him all of the time. This past weekend was rough and confusing too - he told me that I was like a 5th cousin to him.
Our 3 kids were away on Saturday to different friends houses. I mainly took our 3 year old down the street to play with a friend so he was not lonely looking for his sister. Than I went home and took a long bath and was doing my nails.
He was downstairs watching tv and came upstairs and picked a fight with me. He started criticizing my parenting since he couldn't believe that I was just sitting home while someone else down the street was watching our son.
I told him that I was relaxing and taking time for myself because I never get to do that since I work full-time too and take care of the kids. He criticized me about being a homebody and how I will never change and brought up that I left our 1st child in the car 13 years ago one time and when we were split up for 1 year about 4 years ago that my house was not the cleanist and how if it wasn't for him telling me to do things I wouldn't do them.
He said he worried about the care of his children if he was not around. I told him that I have plenty of faults but that I am a damn good mother and he has no right to judge me on that, of course there is always room for improvement but I do a good job for the most part!
I told him there was nothing wrong with me taking a break and that I don't know any other mom's that don't and he said he did not care about them he cared about our household and I should be watching our children and should have no problem juggling it.
I said every woman takes a break sometimes and I need it, I am not superwoman - he said "says who" and I said, "says my doctor!"
He told me that he couldn't believe that he was with me - he expected a sexy, lively woman with a personality and not me. Than he asked me why it took me so long to make appointments for the kids for health/dental and I told him I had to deal with my issues first.
He told me that the kids always come first regardless of my emotions and I told him that dealing with mental and emotional issues I had to help that before I could deal with anything else (I had post partum depression and was suicidial which I have really struggled with). He said that is why he should have never been with me - because I have mental issues.
He said yeah and I blame him for all of that. I told him that I don't blame him and he said "yeah right, that is not what you said the other day". I told him that he knows sometimes in anger I may say something to be hurtful that I don't mean and he told me I was like a child and that I should just tell the truth in anger and than he told me I did not understand him that I thought I did but that I did not.
I told him that I do and he got really mad like he was going to hit me so I said nothing. I asked him what he wanted - he said that he wants to move somewhere else with his kids, that is what he wants. Than I said what should I do just slit my wrists and go away?! Than he went downstairs.
He called me down there about 15 minutes later and told me - didn't I tell you it was going to get like this and didn't I tell you 2 years ago that I did not want to be here and I did not want to be with you. I said yes.
I told him that I know that I can meet his needs and he told me that he knows that I think I can but that I can't, he is not attracted to me, and I have had ample time to change.
He said that all he feels is anger in my presence, he said my breathing irritates him. He told me he never wanted to live the way we do and that he felt good and no anxiety when we were split up for a year - that it is me that is causing this for him.
I told him that I never stopped him from what he has wanted to do and he got mad and said that his next paycheck was not going into our account.
The following day he took me to breakfast with our kids for Mother's Day and actually told the kids to go play and we shot a game of pool with another couple - he never ever does that.
When we got home I took the kids to my mom's house. Later in the evening when we got home he asked me to come downstairs so I sat next to him on the couch. I normally rub his back or feet but he has pulled away lately - within the past week.
He barely said 2 words to me and I started to rub his feet and he pulled away so I sat there a few minutes and went upstairs to tend to the children.
Later at night he came up to bed so I rubbed his back and he did not push me away but there is not nor has been any return affection or touch from him in quite some time.
I saw him looking at me this am when I was getting dressed though. I don't know what it all means if anything aside from my suspecting he is struggling alot with his feelings and what he wants to do.
A big problem has been he gets anxiety going across bridges so he can't drive over them and we live right next to a bridge. Do you think I should tell him that I will find a place right across the bridge for the kids and I and just take them back and forth across the bridge so they don't have to change school.
That way when he wants to visit I won't have to take him back and forth across the bridge? I know he feels like a baby having to have someone else drive him across.
I don't want to be too nice (which I tend to be anyway) but putting myself in his shoes I would feel really awful and like a baby myself if I had to get someone to do it for me just to go see my kids.
How much should I assist or cooperate with him? I read a good book about Irritable Male Syndrome and a lady in there had a husband who told her he wasn't happy and did not know what he wanted so she helped her husband move to another country and during that time she got her degree and "a life" and eventually the calls they had he asked her more about her and wound up coming back to her years later and they had a good realtionship after that.
I guess I kind of think of the saying if you let them go and they come back they were yours and if you don't they were not. I wonder if it is best to agree for him to be free and just focus on myself without getting angry with him.
I told him that I did not want this - I don't want him to be angry and upset with me and all of the fighting and he told me that I put us here.
I can think back to when I split up our home 4 years ago because he was violent I spent that year trying to avoid him and I told him I did not want to talk to him because I was too angry and did not want to take it out on him even though he told me I could and he wanted me to. I told him it would make things worse and that it would not make me feel better to get angry at and hurt him even if he was o.k. with it.
I honestly think the time apart would do us both good but I don't think a broken home is good for the children but neither is this fighting.
I know my oldest was talking to him the other day about how her best friend's dad left them to go to another state to be with his old girl friend from childhood. He wound up coming back a few months later. My daughter told her dad that she had no respect for this man at all for doing that to his wife and children.
She said my husband defended the man and said "you can't make someone love you if they don't" and my daughter told him it wasn't right. He did not say anything back.
I guess I just don't understand why he can't just give it a shot, I mean a real shot at us connecting and working together to have a relationship we both want and are happy with.
He said everything is on my time, that I only do things when I am good and ready and always have. He doesn't believe I will ever change and the patterns will always be the same and he is angry that I want to do something different now and not before.
It is all very confusing to me. I told him I was really torn that part of me really wants him to be happy and the other part wants to hold on to him - the selfish part, the part that really loves him and doesn't want him to go but I can't bear to see him so miserable. Sometimes I wounder if I am too understanding and need to tell him he is a jerk and needs to be a man and go get a hobby or a new car but not break up his house! Thanks for the listening and the support is really appreciated and needed! :o)
Me: 37 Husband: 39 Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2 "If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!" "You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Looking at my posts and the soul-searching I have done myself I can see some of the things he has complained about. Ugghhh...I am "all over the place" with the way I think and the way I write.
I understand at least now that it is "normal" for someone with ADHD and I have to learn how to control it besides taking meds (which do seem to help). When I get upset and stressed my ADHD symptoms get alot worse and I have to work at it to stop, pay attention, focus, and remember.
I believe this may be a huge part of our communication issues - he thinks I am not listening and don't care and just "do what I want to do."
I am realizing through this whole thing that I have issues of my own that need addressing and helped contribute to where "we" are. I am owning my part and trying to change it and it really is alot of work. I feel like I am going uphill most of the time but I am determined not to stop or give up.
I think since technially both my husband and I are struggling with depression and health problems and I have ADHD that I am learning how to deal with we are both going through alot of personal growth and struggles.
I also think that since I have not been so innocent either and had my own form of "midlife" issues and ran away I do understand where he is coming from to a point and the confusion and mixed feelings in him and I really do have empathy. It is not an easy place to be and I am not the easiest person to live with.
I appreciate the support and hope that it will keep me "grounded" and that I actually do learn and not make the same mistakes over and over. :o)
Me: 37 Husband: 39 Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2 "If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!" "You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Now I actually read your posts and I will say that you MUST learn detachment. You are pursuing him with way to much. Your expectations are way too high. You need to become more mysterious, dress to kill and unavailable to him. You need to GAL.
Start reading the links that I have given you, there are many things in your posts that are good, but there are also many things that you need to work on.
You are in the right place.
You have to start to work on YOU!
Your H is in a journey and this time is for you to work on the things that you see in the mirror.
Thank you so much for your opinon. What is GAL? :o)
Me: 37 Husband: 39 Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2 "If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!" "You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
GAL = Get a Life Go out, see a movie, go to a museum, do something for YOU. Others can give you better activities. Just make sure it is LEGAL.
We do tend to sling a lot of abbreviations and slang around. At the top of the newcomers board is a list of abbreviations that I am always looking at because I can't rememberwhat everyone means.
Arm yourself with information and come here as often as you need to so you understand his mlc is not about you. Your h has a long journey ahead of him. You are not invited on this journey. It will take years. So what are YOU doing in the meantime.
Reading your post I felt like I was reading about someone talking about my husband. Especially the part about the 10 years. My h told me if I had only changed 10 years ago when he had hope, then our marriage could have worked. LOL!
I also have ADD. Actually my entire family has ADHD.....we just all have different varieties. So, it's a real challenge for a couple to both have ADHD and the h is in MLC! My advice to you is to read all you can about MLC. Get one step ahead of him so when he starts spouting this stuff, you won't be shocked. You'll be prepared for it.
The thing that is the hardest for us with ADHD is keeping our mouth shut! But, you have to try your best to not react to your husband. He is baiting you. He's trying to get you upset so that you will react like the crazy person we can become by overreacting. So, next time he starts that, take a deep breath and think before you say anything at all. That gives you time to be in control of yourself.
And, I'm not kidding about my husband saying just about verbatim everything your h told you. I swear they have the same script to follow. Just remember when he is throwing those fiery darts at you, it's because he feels so horrible about himself that he wants to spread the blame and misery to you! The more he hates about himself, the more garbage he will throw your way.
You're in the right place. Hey, we're all in this together!
