You know, kicked, it took me a lot of time and a lot of reading and a lot of worrying and thinking "maybe he is, maybe he isn't" thoughts over and over until people just didn't want to hear it any more. You've been at this for four years, two of which you "get it."
I kept looking at the stages and signs of MLC and trying to fit my H into them... and the truth is, he was good at hiding it. It took my stepdaughter telling me "daddy is so depressed and angry" after I just walked out of the room because I was upset that he was so HAPPY and seemed to be MOVING ON so nicely... but she was seeing it with different eyes. Then I started trying to see if he was happy or depressed, and finally, I stepped back and said "oh, the heck with it." NOW I see. Walking backward has allowed me to be able to SEE what's going on. It's like being farsighted (did I get that right?) - when you're too close, you can't see, it's all blurry. Back away and things will begin to show themselves. For instance, H was bouncy, talking in a high pitched voice to my dogs, but after he thought I was asleep, I was allowed to hear him swearing at them and it was clear to me that he's angry still. But when I'm around, he's happy, happy - which tells me that he's trying really hard to convince me that he's happy but he isn't. Also, DSD got roses from a friend for her bday - and they were delivered to the house. H was breaking up the cardboard and saw the roses, and said, oh, you got flowers, and usually I would have ignored him, but this time, I watched casually and saw him look at the label to see who sent them. Which tells me he's still curious what is going on with my life.
Throughout this all it's been a lesson in patience and letting go of control for me. I told God I would let go and let Him handle it, and that has been hard.
Four years is a long time. You must have a boat load of patience.
M&H; For 4 years it has been up and down. Not all bad. I would not live through it again, but on the other side of it (losing my mother, brother, personal illness and beating death of a friend- on TOP of my H's demands) I am still standing.
Yes, he is depressed. BOC it is my fault, doncha know.
He started IC yesterday, I don't know who with- I have a hope that it is to address why he does some of the things he does. Not just to beotch about his "abusive wife".
Last time he had a "Dr. Feelgood" who validated EVERY behavior he exhibited (believe you me, he does not need anyone else giving him excuses) or so he said - <that she validated his reasons.>
I can only hope this time it goes better.
Know what I just figured out? I had a melt down yesterday, and I did not pitch back one bad name. Not one at all. It didn't even cross my mind.
We are supposed to go out tonight. I am an artist and I have paintings in a gallery and tonight is the opening.
We are trying MC, trying to be nice to each other and put all the "angry stuff" on the side, but I am so angry now that I am shaking... I am so sick of being humiliated. I am so sick of having my life/marriage issues drug out in front of people, I am sick of it! I deserve some privacy and dignity. I have read the disengage stuff, it makes sense. but I am also walking the fine line of living with him and attempting recovery...
He wrote an email telling me, amongst other things, how he had the COURAGE to file divorce papers. (Did I add that he did this behind my back? filed Thursday and Friday went to Germany for a week- and would not talk?) He threatened this in the past, (tell everone he is going to divorce me, except me or the kids) and he said that he would never, never do that again. He promised me to stop the P.A. backstabbing...
How the hell is this courageous? I am so mad I can not sit here. This is going to be hard to swallow. I don't even want to see his face. This is the piss off button of the YEAR for me.
Should you only try to be nice when everything is easy or you're feeling good?
Oh they will say the stupidest [censored].
For me? "My intentions were good!" she whined about having an affair with my friend.
Your intentions might have been good but your follow through sucked asss. : )
Kick,
Actually willing to bet that filing for a divorce did take some courage...change is never easy. Telling YOU that isn't the smartest thing in the world...and proves he isn't thinking clearly..or that he is just as dumb as a box of rocks and always has been.
Well do not sit there, go for a long walk and lift some weights...
as for tonight?
If you are still upset then yes, go alone, until you can control your anger....and not let it run you oOR your emotions with a drivers hand on your mouth...alone or away from him is better.
Let him know that it is easier for you to go alone tonight.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I (we) went to the opening. OH my goodness! CCS (in Detroit) opened a new Fine Art based High School, and improved their other offerings. They took an old building in Downtown Detroit and made it...well quite beautiful.
I was at Wayne show- my are was very prominent, a lot of compliments. Nice. Then over to CCS student show. Very impressed as a teacher.
We got along OK until about 9 pm. I can not swallow the courageous stuff (yes, J3B- it probably did take some guts to file, but what an a$$ to put this out to me.) When I get tired I get cranky. We had a small argumet (over the beautiful student art) and he just kept dodging my hurt and questions. I left angry - I was getting way too upset with his demeanor and sanctimoneous attitude - I drove home (I had my own car)
Grrrrrrrrrr. I did at one point say he "did not get off his lazy a$$ to find a counselor or try to FIX the M problems-- he just did as he pleased"
Damn it! I called him lazy! I have been so good at not calling names!!!! Well, in the past it would have been much worse. OH well, back to the old drawing board.
It seems he wants this marriage conditionally. Not a very solid feeling for me. It has been 24 years of us together - I don't have any parents, I have lost my brother and I do not have tons of friends. He is about all I had.
I am sure some vets will follow me here on this but you seem way too focused on what H is doing and doing to YOU.
When you detach (and this won't happen overnight but HAS to happen) you gain control of your emotions and reactions to H. It is hard when you live together but it can be done.
I use this anology and I'll apologize for the profane upfront but it seems to fit:
Do you feel like sh!t?
Well guess what. YOU are the operator of the sh!tmaking machine. YOU control it. YOU decide what it produces. Only YOU can turn it on and off.
Think H controls you? Only if you give him that power.And...
...we already know you can't control H so....
What is your machine going to make today?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I don't have any parents, I have lost my brother and I do not have tons of friends. He is about all I had
Why is this the case? How do you think H feels about this? Does this make YOU happy? DO you wish it were different?
Part of this process is looking in the mirror and understanding while what the MLCer is doing is grossly inapproriate and damaging...
...we ARE part of the problem.
It is an opportunity to look at ourselves and become better people through understanding our own pain, and our contribution to it. This can be lost in the bullsh!t your H is pulling but don't let it pass you by.
What is also most important is what WE do with OUR time while the MLCer is the tunnel.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Well, I am just trying to be truthful. I have lots of people to talk to, but close relationships I have always found hard to come by. Just have. He is the same way too. for most of the marriage we were each others best frined.
Lost a lot of people, too. It makes you hold onto things that you have (or percieve you have). I finished Grad School, and between working and night school I spend all my other moments with my kids (teens).
Well, I have been trying to keep the "detach" webpage in mind.
Right now it seems a LOT like withdrawl. Maybe that is just how it starts.
My H came home from counseling with a book "Getting the love you want". I am guessing that his IC reccomended it (he is not really a "book browser.") At first I thought "great! a selfish titled book! To bad they don't sell one that says "get everything you want from your spouse in 3 minutes!"
On Amazon, it said the book is about IMAGO relationship therapy. ((Sounds a little new age to me.))
But the core to this DOES deal with childhood issues, and looking at patterns and concious selection of partners. This is something I think a MLC refuses to face.
It also talks about conciously picking out a partner the has traits that you lack or are attracted to because that is how you were raised. My engineer H would be attracted to this type of thinking- I beleive.
I am trying to work on my own issues/happiness and life. It is so very hard to detach when you live with them.
The really cool thing about Imago is that it points out that 99% of your feelings are yours and based on your own psychology and only 1% is the trigger from your partner.
It is beautiful in that it illustrates how the person you've chosen likely holds the key to helping you heal in that they push many of your childhood buttons and you've chosen them for that reason, therefore, if you can heal with them, you can heal those childhood wounds.
That's my best summary on it.
I found, even after an amazing 8 hour session with an Imago therapist, my H was 1) stuck on another woman 2) completely committed to his belief that we wrong for each other. Everything was laid out for him and made perfect sense and the willingness just was not there to do the work.
But, it is fantastic stuff and if he reads the book, he will have to absorb some of it and really understand that his sh*t is his and has little to do with you. What he does with that information is up to him of course.
