Telling them not to lie, and expecting them not to lie...
Is like telling your dog not to eat the steak that is on floor while you go get the broom and dustpan. AND expecting him not to eat it.
Getting mad about it?
Similar in its pointlessness. There are SOOOOO many ways to get dispiritied the idea is to learn which ones you don't set yourself up for.
You want to conserve your hope and energy for thsi fight, not waste it it on pointless areas. They will lie, they will be rude, they will not care about you...you want to make him? Go pound sand for an hour instead at least after that you'll have some excercise.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I hope you are feeling better. I just read a few of the last postings on this thread and it sounds like you are going through the hard struggle as most of us are or did.
I would suggest that you maybe take a short vacation. Or just go to a friends house and say your gonna take a mini vacation and just spend some time away.
I can feel your frustrations coming through in your words - I can remember being there and feeling like the whole thing would never end. I feel much better now. there is hope.
My friends would force me to still go on our vacations that MY H and I had planned on doing together and with those groups of friends. These big combined trips happened twice while he was away for the year. I would go with our group of friends and he would not be invited along.
It was hard to go away. But I really needed it. I forced myself to try and look like I was having fun when I really was dying inside. My friends were supportive.
ANYWAY, the point is that both times I went on little breaks or vacations - my H would get really curious and jealous, and when I would get home he would want to actually spend time with me to make sure he didnt miss out on too much. It scared him to see that my life was not standing still. He hated to see me look like I was moving on too fast and far with out him.
The best thing to do in this MLC situation is to Focus on making YOU happy and healthy too.
The MLC hate is so hard to deal with, it was actually making me feel hatred towards my H. So I also decided to start myself a journal in which every day I would write down the negatives (thoughts and things that happened) and the positives from each day. As the year went on, I could definetly see a difference in the size of the negatives getting smaller than the size of the positives column. Meaning, I was getting stronger and dealing with MLC crap better as the year went on and it showed me there can be a brighter tommorow.
I want you to know that my H and I are back together and very happy. We struggeled a lot to get where we are, but we are both proud of the work we put forth to make the reconciliation possible. The MLC crap slowly wears off as they wake up. It does not happen over night. Hang in there. TIPPER
Kick, You have gotten a lot of good responses. Your h is not going to change over night. He is angry and no matter what you do it will make him angrier. He does not hate you he hates himself. He needs to make you out to be the bad guy to justify his behaviour. Like you have been told by others on this board, take the focus off of your h and put it onto yourself. You cannot do anything about your h's mlc. You need to let him go. He has a long journey ahead of him and you are not invited. You are on your own journey so focus on making the changes for yourself. This is not about your h or even saving your m. Right now it has to be about you or you will go crazy.
Please listen to all of these people on here. Angry mlcers are among the most difficult to live with. If you do not detach you will go crazy. Do not take anything he says personally.
Thank you. I can't beleive this is the same man. He says he loves me, but the TANGLE of "conditions" are terrible. He would rather divorce that give an inch. I don't know how small I can make myself.
I don't know weather to shoot, sit or S$#@! I have calmed down. Last night I left the house (anxiety and do not want to fight) and I drove for hours. I can't sit still.
I parked my car to snooze, a cop pulled up (guess they have been having break ins around there). HOW embarrassing. I had to tell him all my biz- he left.
I must have looked really upset, because he asked me if was OK- if I had "taken anything" (I guess pills?) I was just trying to get some rest. An officer who works at my school is his boss. I told him to check with Keith if he didn't believe me.
This is going to be one of the hardest things you EVER do, no matter what course you take and it is because it is actually all your choice.
If you fight the D or go along with it, it is your choice.
Alot of the other bad hard things you experience...you do just that experience them...like a leaf in the wind. Loosing someone...not your choice.
However this fight is.
And you want to plan your battle accordingly.
This is not a game, but it plays like one. And this is not a dance, but there are steps you both shall dance to. This is not something you can plan..but you better have some plans for it.
This is the most contrary thing you will do.
And...hopefully soon, you will be thankful for it.
Seriously. I know it seems like I'm talking out my ass with that...I am not. Ask around.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
The way I see it, I have 3 choices.. #1. the MB way, kinda like swallow it all and be sweet as pie for 6 weeks, persue him (sweetly) and bite the tounge off.
#2. Attempt to tread water without making a splash. (but waiting for what?) Disengage and bend like the reed in the wind.
I don't think any MLC so far is "typical" and I've been reading this stuff for just about a month... may not seem like a lot, but it's been every day all day.
You have NO control over anything in his MLC, you only have control over YOU.
You are so far within his drama, that you don't know which end is up...and I feel for you, because at one time, I was just like you.
It took me three months post-bomb to get what I had to do, and that was focus on ME...I could NOT do ANYTHING for him.
I had to learn to detach from his drama, the more I argued with him, the worse it all got, and I nearly lost him over it.
He had to be let go to go through, and HOPEFULLY come back to me.
They not only leave in a physical way, but in a emotional way as well.
There is NO guarantees in this, only what you can do for YOU during this time.
This is an emotional battle within your husband, and you CANNOT do anything to fix it..you didn't break it...it is all about him.
You've got to detach before you go absolutely crazy trying to figure this out, and there's NO figuring to it...nothing you can do.
I KNOW how you feel; I KNOW the sleepless nights, I KNOW the feeling that the rug's been yanked from under you.
But until I "got it"...I suffered, just as you're suffering now.
There are NO time limits on this, no guarantees that when/if he comes out that he will be the same person you knew.
Life as you knew it, is finished, with, hopefully a better one waiting for later on, when this madness is done; regardless of how it all goes.
Whether your marriage makes it or not, you've got to do what's best for YOU, learn to look within, and prepare to grow through this trial.
You can't deal with him in a rational way, it's NOT possible; this IS MLC.
So, you detach, owning your part of what went wrong in your marriage/life, again, growing through this trial.
When he put you on a path of your own making, he made it about YOU.
There are NO typical MLCs, each one is different, and each one has its quirks, bumps in the road, and obstacles.
Read the resources, ask questions, hopefully, it will click for you. The longer you're stuck within his drama, the less time you have for YOU.
It all takes TIME to complete; if it ever does.
It's hard, I know, I've been there.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
