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Red, hon, just hopped on and got caught up. {{hugs}}

OK, here goes: You have trust issues with him. For good reason. And they need to be dealt with. (Coming from someone slogging hip-deep through trust issues smile )

That said...reading through all these posts with fresh eyes, I think the advice to work on yourself is REALLY important. I'm talking about more than just GAL and trying to be the perfect Stepford Wife so he won't want to leave. I'm talking about doing the hard work of finding and learning to LOVE yourself for who you are now, today.

Hon, you've got to let go of thinking that if you're enough for him he'll be faithful. His infidelity had/has NOTHING to do with you or your past actions. It was his choice, his weakness, his mistake. Sure, relational patterns have an effect, but his straying was NOT YOUR FAULT. (Have you considered looking into the possibility of sexual-addiction? The pattern fits: the As, the current 'lack of interest', living on the surface and saying everything is 'fine'.)

I understand the fear. I also know that acting out of fear isn't going to bring you the results you want. And it's a lot easier said than done. But whether you end up together or apart, you need to be at peace with who you are.

Love ya, girl. Hang in there.

Aud


Me-36
H-36
3 young children
Married-14y
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((((Red))))

Long time since I caught up with you. I concur with everyone else: don't forget to devote some focus on yourself and building your own self worth.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
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I know, guys. I'm starting to see that all of this is really ME and my fears & insecurities. I'm going to make sure I start focusing on that and I'll probably realize that things aren't as they seem.

I need to keep in mind that I know my H loves me or he wouldn't still be at home.


Me: 38
H: 35
S4, S5, S10
Bomb 01/07
Wanted D - nothing would change his mind
Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb
Piecing 04/07
Deployed for a year 05/07
Still Piecing 2010
M 11 yrs 05/10
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 821
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RHW,
Wise insight I have to remember that for myself


M38, H37
S3, S7
Together 15 yrs
Married 8 yrs
Bomb July 2008
Inhouse separation
"I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count)
Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
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Quote:
I'm starting to see that all of this is really ME and my fears & insecurities. I'm going to make sure I start focusing on that and I'll probably realize that things aren't as they seem.

It's not ALL you...but those fears and insecurities definitely don't help. smile

Would it help you to take a look at what you ARE doing, and do it from this place: "doing this makes me feel good about myself and my place in this family/R", rather than this place: "if I don't do this, he'll leave"?

You have every right to have your radar up if he's acting strange. Are there any counseling services available to you?


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Happy Mothers day.... grin

Last edited by Dr LOve; 05/09/10 03:01 AM.

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Ok, so let's see if I can remember everything that has happened this weekend. It started out bad, but has ended w/ H going to the ER b/c he feels so totally crappy, but as far as our R is, completely fine & wonderful (and I'm not being saracastic smile

Anyway, so we go to H's mom's Friday night for his sister's college graduation (she's 30-something & is graduating after 15 yrs, but wanted her entire family, including cousins to be there & to give herself a huge party). Now, let me also back up b/c this comes into play here. We went down to SA awhile back, maybe a month or so ago. I had found a text where his sister had texted H asking if it was ok if she invited his ex-fiance from before me b/c she was still friends w/ her & would that make anyone uncomfortable. WHAT THE HE@@??!! I'll just stop there & cont on the next paragraph.

Ok, so I found this text a few wks to a mnth before this weekend we were there awhile back & we were all to go to the zoo together. Well, up to this point, I had not decided what to do w/ the intel I had (although H already knew I knew & knew I had been looking at his phone b/c I told him). Anyway, I finally decided I would just be honest w/ her, so on the phone before we were to go to the zoo, I just told her calmly that I was a bit irritated w/ her over the whole text b/c I would have expected her to have a bit more respect for ME to ask ME how I would feel about his ex-fiance being there. She had never asked to invite her to anything before & H and I have been married for almost 11 yrs! Why all of a sudden now? And why did she not ask me as well; did she not think my feelings about the matter meant anything? I mean this party was at H's mom's HOUSE, very intimate surroundings (house & backyard) not like I wasn't going to run into her or something. Did she REALLY think I wanted his ex-fiance at this party --- especially w/ how many times he has cheated on me???

Ok, H is back from ER so I have to go for now. More later. Man, I haven't even gotten to this weekend yet!!


Me: 38
H: 35
S4, S5, S10
Bomb 01/07
Wanted D - nothing would change his mind
Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb
Piecing 04/07
Deployed for a year 05/07
Still Piecing 2010
M 11 yrs 05/10
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 584
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Oh no Red! Please update us on what else happened! Hope your H is okay!


M: 32
H: 34
S:5
D: 3
D: 1
Together 11 years
Married 7
Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off)
ILYBINILWY: 08/09

"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting."
-Laura Munson
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Ok, so H is fine. We're not sure if it is a sinus infection or just allergies or what, but we both just felt achy & like crap the whole weekend. Both feeling better today.

Ok, so SIL & I finally get off the phone after I tell her calmly how I feel about her texting H and asking about inviting this woman who happens to be H's ex-fiance to this party we went to this past weekend. She finally gets of the phone, saying "I'm going to go before I get mad." Whatever!

So 10 minutes later the door bell rings (I'm at H's mom's) and she barges through the house (I was out back) and proceeds to scream & yell at me for about 10 minutes, starting w/ "So what if my brother cheated on you a few times," etc etc. meanwhile my boys are in the house. THAT obviously pissed me off (that my boys may have been able to hear her say that stuff).

Anyway, I stood up to her, which she's not used to b/c she's a pretty big girl & has a pretty loud & upfront personality, but so can I when I want to, I'm just not as big physically as she is, but I sure can be as big in personality.

So she finally leaves. Later that night, her family came over b/c there had been a dinner planned & I was the first to say something to her (not about what had happened), but to break the ice b/c I knew if she & I ignored each other that night that the episode would continue for who knows how long. I guess I was just being the bigger person. So the next day, before we left to go home, I had her take me to the book store & just acted like nothing had happened. I know now that she's REALLY embarrassed by her actions & the woman was NOT invited to the party (or she just didn't show up anyway).

Ok, so this past weekend, Friday night we get there & this is now the party which we had the fight over & H's mom is being a royal b!tch to me the minute I walk in the door (and it's 11:30 at night for goodness sake!!)

I ended up crying in bed that night & H tells me I'm "personalizing" things. Whatever. I told him "I don't even feel like you love me anymore." He said "Of course, I still love you" and that was the extent of it. This is what I get from my H. Had I lay there crying & not said anything to him, he would have known I was crying, but would not have even said anything to me.

The next day, we were ready to leave for the graduation & my youngest wakes up (since we had gotten in so late & it was only 8:15) and he's coughing like it hurts in the chest & is crying about it. Well, I said maybe I should stay home would him & H's aunt could go in my place (she was going to stay w/ the boys). H's mom got P!SSED OFF!! Oh, my gosh, you would not believe her eyes. I finally said to her "I realize you're stressed about this party & all, but I really don't appreciate the attitude I've been getting last night & today" So luckily H says to me to stay w/ my baby (ok, he's 4, but he's still my baby), so I did & he told his mom that he & aunt would just catch up & they all ended up getting there on time.

So I'm sobbing. I told H I didn't realize why they were all being so mean to me. I was the one who just dropped that other whole incident & I didn't know why they were still mad at ME for it. I knew that SIL had already told aunt about it, etc.

When they all got home, though, H's mom hugged me & I told her I didn't understand, yadda yadda yadda & all was fine.

It still kind of pisses me off when my H doesn't stand up for me though, but I guess he knows I can take care of myself, but still. It'd be nice if he would actually say something to one of them when they behave that way.

The end result of all of this though was H and I seem closer for some reason. Even though he didn't stand up to me, I went out to where he was when I was crying the second day & he held me & we've just been closer ever since. I'm just hoping this feeling of closeness continues. I don't know if it will or not. I guess I just need to make sure it does with MY actions.


Me: 38
H: 35
S4, S5, S10
Bomb 01/07
Wanted D - nothing would change his mind
Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb
Piecing 04/07
Deployed for a year 05/07
Still Piecing 2010
M 11 yrs 05/10
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,895
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Was able to have a productive "argument" with H last night. We've never argued over the years, which is probably part of our problem.

Anyway, he may have to start working nights & there is a boot camp thing I want to do in the evenings. Well, he didn't see that it was kind of important to me to know what his schedule is going to be & acted like I had not told him the dates/times of the boot camp thing.

Anyway, I used a lot of "I feel like . . . " blah blah blah & it didn't escalate as much as it probably would have & I believe it was actually productive. Told him I don't feel like he actually HEARS me when I tell him things. Also, that he doesn't tell me important things when he finds them out & then even sometimes says he did tell me. Anyway, it all worked out & I think it was good that we got out what we got out.

This DB'ing stuff works !!


Me: 38
H: 35
S4, S5, S10
Bomb 01/07
Wanted D - nothing would change his mind
Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb
Piecing 04/07
Deployed for a year 05/07
Still Piecing 2010
M 11 yrs 05/10
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