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Kalni #1995069 05/03/10 11:03 PM
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Originally Posted By: Kalni
a&k,
are you angry?


I'm actually doing really well with my anger (so yes, but to a healthy degree)...today when speaking with my dad who was livid (he and my H were very close and have remained civil but my dad is fed up now), I told him that what helps me with my anger in dealing with H is that I really feel sorry for H, not making excuses, just pity him so I don't kill him.

I am most angry that he doesn't have the balls to take action and file. He is a lazy selfish baby who wont take responsibility for his family and where he fits in it. So, that I have to be the one to file is infuriating. That I had to tell my kids last night, when we were looking at a new place, that daddy will most likely not be living in our next house with us (they were wondering if the place was too small to fit him and I couldn't bring myself to say 100% he's not going to be there). THAT is what infuriates me, that it looks like I am shutting daddy out and making all of the decisions, that I have to witness and absorb all their pain when he is off in nowhere land completely oblivious to the hell of this all.

I'm a big girl, I can handle my heartache and accept that I married a very juvenile individual who may not have been who I thought he was.

But, when it comes to my kids, how can I not be angry at someone who is hurting my children??? That is a hurdle I will probably have to work on for the rest of my life.



MrBond #1995072 05/03/10 11:11 PM
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
AAK,

Great to see you're still around. In your sitch when your H is saying he wants to have a one-way "open marriage", that's not cake-eating. That's CRAZY TALK.

Hope your kids are doing well.

stuck808 (now MrBond)


Hi darling! I like the name change!

With regard to my H, I don't think he was proposing that we have an open marriage. I asked him if he could have it any way he wanted what would it be and he said that's his fantasy. I prefer the truth anyway so it really doesn't bother me. I want a lot of things I'm not going to get. I don't think it is crazy. Some people do have open marriages and I even contemplated it (maybe better than most people who cheat and lie, and it is MOST people). So, I don't really even judge it, I just know that I can't make that deal with him.

What bothers me is that the crux of it is he doesn't want to have to make any decisions or give anything up. He doesn't want to carve it out and make agreements, commitments, open marriage or not. He's just floating in space and going where the wind blows. He is being paid to be far away 95% of the time (since he left me)...so, some day, he will come back around and have to face his creation. Or maybe he'll just keep floating.



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"But, when it comes to my kids, how can I not be angry at someone who is hurting my children??? That is a hurdle I will probably have to work on for the rest of my life."

This is the hard thing!


Me29 S3
H left 4/1/09
I file 8/2/10
Divorce final 5/17/11
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Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
My H and I have had so many moments of apparently being on the verge of reconciliation and so I give so much and I step up and then next thing I know, it's crystal clear that it's never really going to be on 100%.


I wonder what would happen if you required more of him before you give so much.


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Dudess #1995172 05/04/10 01:51 AM
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Originally Posted By: Dudess
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
My H and I have had so many moments of apparently being on the verge of reconciliation and so I give so much and I step up and then next thing I know, it's crystal clear that it's never really going to be on 100%.


I wonder what would happen if you required more of him before you give so much.




I don't second guess what I've done. Our marriage was very damaged. We ahd an opportunity to experience each other very positively in the past year and a half, without that, I wouldn't have believed him if he did want to go all in...it would have seemed disingenuous.

Now, I did require more from him; I asked him to make a decision as to whether he is willing to try and he said he's confused...blah blah blah. So, if he wants to be single, he can be single.



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Quite honestly it sounds like he's going to be floating for awhile. It comes down to the fact that he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions because they have consequences. It sound like he knows what he's doing is wrong, but he doesn't want to face up to his actions. That's why he's gone all the time.

Hopefully your kids are not going to pick up any of those things from him. They probably see him as the "cool" dad though.

Great to hear that you're still up and kickin' @$$.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #1995206 05/04/10 02:55 AM
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Quote:
Hopefully your kids are not going to pick up any of those things from him. They probably see him as the "cool" dad though.


Don't even get me started on this... crazy



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I know how you feel though.

There were times when my girls would ask me why mom was doing what she was doing and I wanted to gently smile at them and say "because mommy is a little crazy right now and we don't stay too close to crazy people".

: )


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #1996756 05/06/10 03:57 AM
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Just about the hardest thing in the world to witness is my little boys faces when I remind them that daddy wont be moving with us into our new house.

My older son said he wants to know if we (me and H) will ever be together again and he's scared that we wont be.

And that d*ck-head is off somewhere oblivious...ggrrrr...



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Stunned that this can still hurt so much.

Doing okay overall but looking forward to being out of the acutely painful stage (especially for my kids)...



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