I get it. But anyone trying to DB is hoping their spouse will change or they wouldn't be here. I actually left the boards when I stopped believing he would change and faced what I have in front of me. But the whole idea is that something will change...and often trying to compel that change. I only got so far with that and then went the other route, work on me. It's good.
AAK, I kind of get what you're saying. It did occur to me often on the boards that for all the DB one's posterior off advice here, GAL, ad nauseam etc, a contradiction in terms was that a final stand can be found in trying to put the brakes on the WAS train no matter how you phrase it.
"Do it for you, not him/her. Be the best you you can be". Yups sure, but that's about as tenuous as the line between hope and expectation, fear and denial.
Oh and Tjack, I don't quite have the exact words for you but your W seems to be in a wierd combo of entirely checked out of your M and ultimate cake eating. She's got you accepting that you could be good friends, but not meant to be together (typical WAS fog btw), she has you to fall back on as old Faithful while she has options to get her rocks off elsewhere. Perfect for her.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I don't see it as cake eating, she is not seeing him, she talks with remorse about her affair, she has told him she needs space to figure this out. She is coming clean with their relationship. The lies and fog are diminishing every day. I will not be her friend if this is how we end. She knows that. I am giving her space, I am enjoying my life without her. The interactions we have are almost all kid related. She gets nothing physical from me. She knows where I stand and I will not be 2nd choice. I am giving her some time to really think this through without influence from me or him. I have some patience left for "us". But am fully prepared to move on without her.
That sounds great tjack and I certainly don't know your sitch. I think in general many of us find that it's hard to discern what is really happening in real time. My H and I have had so many moments of apparently being on the verge of reconciliation and so I give so much and I step up and then next thing I know, it's crystal clear that it's never really going to be on 100%.
Great to see you're still around. In your sitch when your H is saying he wants to have a one-way "open marriage", that's not cake-eating. That's CRAZY TALK.
Hope your kids are doing well.
stuck808 (now MrBond)
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I just read parts of your sitch and I am completely with you. My sitch is so similar to yours and I have wondered at times when DB just doesn't really work. I don't have any advice, but I completely understand where you are at from the H to your beliefs about D because I don't want a D and disagree with Ding, but there is a point where a person has to move on and not be attached to someone who does not want to fully be in the marriage. They just want you around for looks when it is convenient and that is it.
I am with you and hope you can find the answers that you need.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
