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Golfgirl1 #2066424 08/30/10 06:08 PM
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So just a quick update. Not much has really happened in the past month or so. The court timeline is ticking away. STBX and I are still living together - mostly amicable. We cooperate well (as we always have) where the day to day raising of the kids are concerned. We are following the basic rotating pattern we have been on since April: she cares for the kids during the day while I'm at work, and then we split the evenings and weekends 50/50. I'm with the kids on the weekend, she takes over Monday and Tues, then I have Wed and Thurs, then she has the weekend, then I have Mon and Tues, etc. It all seems to work well, EXCEPT when any discussion over the future occurs.

She has remained emphatic that this pattern can in no way work once we are no longer living in the same house. Her lawyer just filed an official proposal for parenting time that gives me visitation only every other weekend (Fri PM to Sun PM) and on Wednesday evenings. I've maintained that I won't accept anything less than 50/50 shared parenting.

Any attempt to discuss shared parenting ends up with her going from calm to angry in 0.5 seconds and using any tactic in the emotional abuse book to end the conversation in her favor - yelling, blaming, mimiking (yes, like a 4-year old would do), belittling, name calling (Yes, I'm a %^^%$#@@#%^&*), gas-lighting (yes, I'm the narcissist).

Every now and then after a period of cooperation I start to think of her as a rational adult and try to discuss the terms of the divorce with her. (see above). I'm learning not to do that.

In the mean time she doesn't seem to be making any attempt at all to look for work. She's educated and employable and works part time, but does not seem to understand that my salary supports one household, but won't support 2. Legally she is going to have to go back to work, but I know she really doesn't want to. I've offered to increase the amount of child care we have right now so she can get started, but any discussion like this results only in anger and deflection on her part (see above). Oh well. In the long run it's her loss, but it means that she is going to drag the court process on even longer.

She is dating, which as far as I am concerned is a good thing. She's going out frequently and I can bemusedly track the progress of a relationship by her moods. When the relationship is going well she wants to sell our house as quickly as possible - and we start making progress. When the relationship ends she drags her feet on the home sale and any discussion about selling the house results in anger and deflection on her part (see above wink ).

I've been dating lightly as well; couple of first dates - all of which were fun and light-hearted and enjoyable. So far no significant relationships, but I'm fine with that. I'm in no hurry and I'm enjoying things as they are. I've made a point of telling each of the women I meet exactly what my situation is (Not yet divorced, still under the same roof) prior to any date so that it doesn't surprise them later.

And the court timeline keeps ticking. I've been propounded with massive amounts of requests by her lawyer, so it appears I am going to have to defend my ability as a parent (why should a man have to fight just for equal custody?), defend my income (surely I'm earning more than I am) and defend my assets (those accounts that I had before we were married, never touched during the marriage, and still have - but which would go a ways toward keeping STBX from having to go back to work) all while refuting her claims of unemployability.

Several court deadlines are coming up in the next months, so the paperwork is certainly keeping me busy.


Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment
Thinker #2066438 08/30/10 06:19 PM
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Wow, your W sounds like my STBXW to a T.

One thing I would suggest. Be reasonable in negotiating your D, but don't offer her more than she's entitled to unless you are getting something in return. This is not the time to turn into the "Nice Guy."

Not suggesting you be a jerk or not take care of your kids, just be careful. From where I am sitting (decree should be signed tomorrow), if you give away too much (I didn't) you will regret it later.


Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current
Golfgirl1 #2066445 08/30/10 06:23 PM
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Hi Golfgirl1,

I wanted to make sure I didn't just ignore you.
Originally Posted By: Golfgirl1
...I would wait a bit to date
...they suggested you wait at least a year. You have to learn to be alone again
... I separated in May of 2009 and divorced in May of 2010.
...my heart is no longer broken.



To respond, I agree that you can't start dating immediately post bomb, and that you need to find yourself first, but... (and I struggled with it myself)...wait a year from what date?

How do you know how long is enough?

At what point does it cease to be productive time spent alone and just become another form of being "in the waiting place" (thx Dr. Seuss).

I got the bomb in November 2008.

I spent a year alternating between finding myself and trying to reconcile.

I gave up on the marriage and asked for a D myself in November 2009.

I wasted months in mediation trying to reach an amicable and equitable agreement.

We formally agreed that we were divorcing in April.

And then I waited another 5 months before going on a first date.

The legal process could potentiallly drag on for another year.

How long do I need to wait?

I've decided that I've waited long enough. I'm obviously not going to run off to get married again any time soon, but I'm more than free enough and whole enough to enjoy pleasant evenings talking to fun, happy and independent women.

Thanks for the feedback.


Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment
givingitmyall #2066446 08/30/10 06:24 PM
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Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Wow, your W sounds like my STBXW to a T.

One thing I would suggest. Be reasonable in negotiating your D, but don't offer her more than she's entitled to unless you are getting something in return. This is not the time to turn into the "Nice Guy."

Not suggesting you be a jerk or not take care of your kids, just be careful. From where I am sitting (decree should be signed tomorrow), if you give away too much (I didn't) you will regret it later.


And so far I haven't given an inch.


Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment
Thinker #2066549 08/30/10 08:40 PM
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Think, Do you think you can get some credit for time off in purgatory? I be praying you get a quick and equitable agreement.

Cheers


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thinker #2066672 08/30/10 10:45 PM
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Quote:
She has remained emphatic that this pattern can in no way work once we are no longer living in the same house. Her lawyer just filed an official proposal for parenting time that gives me visitation only every other weekend (Fri PM to Sun PM) and on Wednesday evenings. I've maintained that I won't accept anything less than 50/50 shared parenting.
Whatever you do, continue with the 50/50 plan. The longer it goes this way the better chance you have of getting 50/50 in the settlement. You can argue that this is the plan you've adopted and it's working so why change it.

I did not do this. I was the nice guy who let her assume the primary custody and that doomed me.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
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ClingingToHope #2066766 08/31/10 02:25 AM
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This is why I am still living here in this house. She has requested repeatedly that I move out - nope, not going to do it.

She also refuses to acknowledge any schedule in writing. I send her one via email, and she responds verbally - of course then I use email to respond to and confirm her verbal response - each time attaching the full updated schedule "for her reference". ;-)


Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment
Thinker #2067319 08/31/10 11:35 PM
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If I were a military man, I'd think: Hmmmm, demands you leave the house; won't look for work; wants effectively 90% custody; has a lawyer; has a lawyer working on the same.....

Rommel, you magnificent bastard! I read your book!

Sounds like the lawyer has it mind to go to court and say, "This Thinker guy works a lot, doesn't have much custody now, so my poor client is a struggling at-home mom. You'd better award us everything we ask for, Your Honor, just to be on the safe side."

Thinker #2067689 09/01/10 04:23 PM
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Quote:
It all seems to work well, EXCEPT when any discussion over the future occurs.

She has remained emphatic that this pattern can in no way work once we are no longer living in the same house. Her lawyer just filed an official proposal for parenting time that gives me visitation only every other weekend (Fri PM to Sun PM) and on Wednesday evenings. I've maintained that I won't accept anything less than 50/50 shared parenting.

Any attempt to discuss shared parenting ends up with her going from calm to angry in 0.5 seconds and using any tactic in the emotional abuse book to end the conversation in her favor - yelling, blaming, mimiking (yes, like a 4-year old would do), belittling, name calling (Yes, I'm a %^^%$#@@#%^&*), gas-lighting (yes, I'm the narcissist).



Hey Thinker - I haven't been on ages but when I do i always check in on your thread. If you don't mind, I just had a few comments as your sitch somewhat parallels mine in the fact that you are trying to cope under the same roof.

Regarding the above, don't ever engage in any future talk with her. You both have attorneys, let them handle. It will help keep the peace. By not leaving the house you have made your statement that you want equal time. Enough said. Anything else is her problem, let her stew in it.

Quote:
Every now and then after a period of cooperation I start to think of her as a rational adult and try to discuss the terms of the divorce with her. (see above). I'm learning not to do that.


Good, don't do it anymore.

Quote:
In the mean time she doesn't seem to be making any attempt at all to look for work. She's educated and employable and works part time, but does not seem to understand that my salary supports one household, but won't support 2. Legally she is going to have to go back to work, but I know she really doesn't want to. I've offered to increase the amount of child care we have right now so she can get started, but any discussion like this results only in anger and deflection on her part (see above). Oh well. In the long run it's her loss, but it means that she is going to drag the court process on even longer.


I can guarantee you that her lawyer is tutoring her on this. It's to her benefit to show as little income as possible to get more out of you in your final settlement. Fill your lawyer in on her marketability and let your lawyer prove that she can be working and earning an income. This was huge in my case as we were able to prove what my ex-wife was worth. Her lawyer ended up dropping and my ex ended up getting a job for $5k less than we stated just shortly after the divorce. What a surprise.

Quote:
She is dating, which as far as I am concerned is a good thing. She's going out frequently and I can bemusedly track the progress of a relationship by her moods. When the relationship is going well she wants to sell our house as quickly as possible - and we start making progress. When the relationship ends she drags her feet on the home sale and any discussion about selling the house results in anger and deflection on her part (see above wink ).


Be careful, there is a hint of not being fully detached in there. You are telling us what she thinks and feels....not your problem anymore, let it go.

Quote:
I've been dating lightly as well; couple of first dates - all of which were fun and light-hearted and enjoyable. So far no significant relationships, but I'm fine with that. I'm in no hurry and I'm enjoying things as they are. I've made a point of telling each of the women I meet exactly what my situation is (Not yet divorced, still under the same roof) prior to any date so that it doesn't surprise them later.


All good for you. In regards to the discussion about when it is ok to date, I firmly believe that you will know when you are ready. I really think you are in touch with that. It does have to start somewhere. You seem like you are having very casual dates. That's awesome. And even better that you are up front about your situation. I wish you well with all of it.

You will start a new life eventually and I think you already know that you will be fine. And you can do it all knowing that you tried your best to save your marriage and family.

Quote:
And the court timeline keeps ticking. I've been propounded with massive amounts of requests by her lawyer, so it appears I am going to have to defend my ability as a parent (why should a man have to fight just for equal custody?), defend my income (surely I'm earning more than I am) and defend my assets (those accounts that I had before we were married, never touched during the marriage, and still have - but which would go a ways toward keeping STBX from having to go back to work) all while refuting her claims of unemployability.


It is amazing how men are behind the 8-ball when the process starts. But it is not impossible. As far as your pre-marital assets just provide your lawyer with documentation and that really is a non-issue. But you never know, it may come in handy in negotiating things like parenting time and maintenance, etc.. Give your lawyer the ammunition and then let him./her do the work. At the end of the day it is all a formula and negotiating.

Anyway, just wanted to check in and tell you that i think you are doing great. One day at a time.

Strength and Honor.

Mules


Last edited by mulesqb; 09/01/10 04:25 PM.

M 43
W 44
M 17
T 22
S16,12,9
Bomb 2/05/08
I served her 1/06/09
S'd 3/15/09
D'd 12/21/09



"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
mulesqb #2067702 09/01/10 04:35 PM
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Originally Posted By: SmileysPerson
Sounds like the lawyer has it mind to go to court and say, "This Thinker guy works a lot, doesn't have much custody now, so my poor client is a struggling at-home mom. You'd better award us everything we ask for, Your Honor, just to be on the safe side."


Yep, no doubt this is what her L is coaching her own.

Originally Posted By: mulesqb
Quote:
In the mean time she doesn't seem to be making any attempt at all to look for work. She's educated and employable and works part time, but does not seem to understand that my salary supports one household, but won't support 2. Legally she is going to have to go back to work, but I know she really doesn't want to. I've offered to increase the amount of child care we have right now so she can get started, but any discussion like this results only in anger and deflection on her part (see above). Oh well. In the long run it's her loss, but it means that she is going to drag the court process on even longer.


I can guarantee you that her lawyer is tutoring her on this. It's to her benefit to show as little income as possible to get more out of you in your final settlement. Fill your lawyer in on her marketability and let your lawyer prove that she can be working and earning an income.


Great advice.

Time, as for dating, I think you should date whenever you're ready. Everyone will have a different time for this. It's good that you're being honest w/ people that you see in letting them know that you are still M'ed and living with STBX. Ideally, it'd be best to date when not living in the home w/ her/still M'ed but being hones tis the key. Do you. Live your life.

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