is my WAH in an MLC (need some experts!)?

[lalxx]

hello Pandora,
I have caught up a little on your situation and i think you are handling yourself brilliantly - a real credit to yourself.

You seem to be a lovely, strong, fairminded lady who has a good grasp of reality.

It is hard and I feel your pain - validating your husband's feelings when he opened his heart to you took real courage - well done.

((hugs)) to you


lalxx

PS rememeber MLCers often change their mind like the wind so tomorrow the outlook may not be so bleak for your marriage
x

[Celestial X 5]

((((Pandora))))

I heard the same speech from my H. That was 5 years ago and I was the one who ended up filing. MLC`ers do change their minds. Remember tho, every sitch is different.

Let your H do all the work for the D. Don`t do anything until he serves you papers.

I also admire the way you handled H. You are a strong, courageous woman.

Celestial

[courageous wife]

I am so sorry pandora! It is ok to be sad today! As everyone else has said, you are a strong lasy! You did very good with your H!

(((hugs)))

[faithisbelieving]

TrentC...the book doesn't say throw out your marriage. It gives you a perspective on reality...what is real...what is denial. It also helps after what I just read above because the book also tells you how to experience grief and deal with the pain and mourning one must go thru as their spouse decides to depart.

A spouse that is willing to go thru Retrouvaille and marriage counseling and do the work is a WHOLE different ball of wax. The majority of the marriages and DB'ers that we see here are, sadly, let's say 'near terminal'. There are a few last gasps for breath and we see that as hope. Again Trent...grieving the loss of your marriage and realizing that hope for reconciliation is a form of denial is NOT saying 'you should all go ahead and file'. On the contrary, it is the ULTIMATE definition of detaching that Grey so well describes in that book.

On the flip side, I agree that, probably, Retrouvaille is one of the FEW options, that, if you can get your WAS to agree to go to, offers the best chances of turning a near terminal marriage around.

Saving a healthy marriage that has wilted and is lingering is one thing. Staying in an unhealthy relationship that leaves you forever snooping, spying, doubting, distrusting...is another. Even Michele says that some marriages can't be saved. It is the wise person who can look at themselves and their WAS and decipher it.

Hang in Pandora. Keep your head up. Return your focus to yourself. Believe in yourself as a person and something worthy of being loved. We all support you.

FIB

[pandora]

thanks everyone...it's so hard. i backslid big time today, talked about relationship, cried so much, and what not. oh well. i'll try again tomorrow to just leave things be.

i just keep thinking why did this all happen? then i have to remind myself he is in an MLC and a warped reality. but emotionally, god, it's so hard. i mean for the LBS, it's so much pain, confusion, loss of confidence, you probably know what i'm talking about.

i do wish most of the time that this wasn't happening...that things were different...but i guess life never turns out the way we expect, does it?

[Marked&Healed]

I'm right there with you. I detach, feel good about myself and then he pulls some crap and I'm right back to thinking why? - this stinks. It's a warped reality, all right. But it still hurts.

((Pandora))

[ericmsant2]

Pandora

I am so sorry Pandora. So sorry.

it's so hard

Yes it is but YOU have to KNOW that you can pull through this. You may not feel that right now but remember it is a "feeling" and feelings are temporary. This is hard Pandora but if you allow yourself the opportunity you will learn alot about yourself in this process.

i backslid big time today, talked about relationship, cried so much, and what not.

Don't beat yourself up over this. It's normal. Many of us have done the SAME thing. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on the horse that is HEALING. Yep...healing. You need some time to heal dear. You need to take some time to regroup. Remember, the MLCer can change there mind. While you wait you need to keep focused on YOU. Keep focused on detaching. Keep focused on your health.

but emotionally, god, it's so hard. i mean for the LBS, it's so much pain, confusion, loss of confidence,

The pain will pass. When - IMO...I think the LBS controls this. How - by feeling the pain, learning from it and then releasing it. In terms of the loss of confidence I think you need to realize that your H fell in love with you for a reason. What are the reasons? I bet those reasons are still in YOU. Take this time to find them again. Take this time to realize that YOU control YOUR destiny.

i guess life never turns out the way we expect, does it?

IMO - life is what we make it. We can really on someone else to write our future or we can take the bulls by the horns and roll with the natural evolution that is life. You life Pandora is in YOUR hands. You can know decided what you want to do with it. Will you need to react to certain things? Yes - BUT YOU CONTROL how you react.

As hard as this is and as much pain as you are in. Please KNOW that you will make it. You will survive. You will. I believe in you and I know a lot folks on this board believe in you.

Rest Pandora...rest for now.

God Bless,
Eric

[pandora]

thanks for the words of encouragement.

yeah, i need to pick myself up and move forward. maybe tomorrow cause today i give myself the chance to wallow in my pajamas for the day.

also the piece about life not turning out the way we expect is a life lesson for me. understanding that while i think i have things figured out, God is the only one in control and i have to accept it. in the meanwhile, i can do what i can to be good myself and well, that's about it! life happens.

[pandora]

can i vent about something? i know he's in a diff't reality but yesterday he was feeling sorry for himself...saying nice guys always come out last but that he's still going to be a nice guy. he's like how come women just treat the nice guys so badly? he's like i don't get it, they say they want a nice guy, but when you are nice, they treat you badly or aren't interested.

personally i was kind of dumbfounded...like, um...you have someone nice right in front of you who adores you and yet you're thinking there is no one out there? i kept having to tell myself that this wasn't about me but still...the irony of it all!

i tried SO hard to listen but i admit, i ended up "discussing" this point...i know shame on me! this was part of my backsliding yesterday. it really hurt to have him say something that was so callous and feel sorry for himself.

honestly, this has been the least of stuff he said but i did find it hard to listen b/c there was only so much of "i get that" that i could say b/c honestly...i didn't get it! lol.

anyways, as i'm writing, i remember something the coach said about saying i get it and just leaving when talks go this way. i'll have to remember that next time.

[ericmsant2]

Pandora

I can only imagine how tough it must have been to listen to this. Remember he is in his own reality. Personally I don't think you did that bad (remember this from someone who made every DB mistake in the book :)). The more you detach from his crisis the easier it becomes. You can continue to love him but just from a distance. What are you doing for your own mental health?

Thanks for your response on my thread.

God Bless,
Eric