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Yep. What ^ said smile


You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
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Journal update:
Not much to report that's different. Found out my new job start date/orientation and my son's middle school graduation are at the same time. Should be interesting to figure this one out. smile

I was talking to a couple of different friends over the past several days. Two things *clicked* for me that I didn't see before. I didn't plan for that, but hey, better late then never, right?
One is the stbx's predatory behavior. She looks for guys she can fix while they are having issues in their own marriages. That's sick. Whatever.
The more important thing I noticed is this: I have been struggling to get away from her. Hard enough with her gone, but I noticed she seems to want me to be gone and not go far at the same time. It's weird. My pastor mentioned it to me first. My friend drove it home. She mentioned that it was a push/pull and that makes it harder. Yep. That got me thinking how to stop that cycle. I figured it out. Drop the remainder of the rope and don't let her push any buttons. Jack mentioned it elsehwere: rip out the connecting wires she is used to using so there can be no connection. Or something like that. Anyway, it brought me great peace to think I have had the key all along. No I am putting it into practice.

Since she has had some weird emails she sent. Just to "let me know" something. But if I open that door it ends in a bloody nose and it feels like controlling behavior. So, I took it as fyi and moved on.

I'm journaling this to close the loop on the advice I had received so long ago about detaching and letting go... for me. I see that now. To all that mentioned it- THANKS!!!! Wish I had "gotten" it then, but it sank in finally.

Slow but steady. That's me smile

Peace y'all!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Journal update:
Might be close to an agreement. Hard to say - been here before. I hope so though. I soooooo want to be done and look at this in the rearview mirror.
One more curve - she may be asking me to include her on my benefits. I just started a new job so I'm pushing to drop her from the benefits. One more thing to be done with. On the other hand, I am not trying to hurt her - just to get rid of any ties to her. We'll see. May be able to work something out where I keep her on the insurance for a little longer and have her pay me back. Same with the phone. It's not trivial to include her in the insurance financially either, but that's not the issue for me. Like I said - no big deal but it is one more tie....

AJM


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Yes. Those ties. XW severed all of ours one by one and they all hurt. She stuck it to me as soon as she could on insurance. I was on hers. But then she keeps my name. I'm not sure why on that one.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
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She keeps your name because it's the same as the kids. I did the same.

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KML, I'm not sure I get that, but it's as good a reason as any I suppose. I don't pretend to understand why she left. Or why she told me she never loved me etc. I made peace with the idea while I like a good puzzle, there are some things I won't understand.

Is what it is.

As for the benefits. I think that it really doesn't matter much. If it helps her out, that's fine. I think what bothered me more is that I can see her using that as a, "well, you owe me for <insert something here> and it equals what you pay for the benefits." I really don't want to get into that game. The money is inconsequential. Always has been.

I realize through this that I have the key. I can leave whenever I want. I knew that all along. And I want to leave. My latest realization was how she tries to keep me connected with the push pull. Looking back, I see that's been going on for a long time but wanting divorce is a big giant push. Again, is what it is. I can't figure it out and I gave up trying for Lent. In 2010 smile

I choose to not talk to her because she is abusive. The less I talk to her the more she finds a reason to try and contact (control?) me. I do not want that. She wants to leave? Fine. I have to deal with that. She wants to remain in my life? Nope. No more than absolutely necessary. She is welcome to deal with her issues with the new boyfriend, by herself, or however she chooses. I have no say in any of this other than to heal myself. To do that, I have to stop the push pull that she has been trying to incorporate. I see that. I've been told that all along, but I truly see that clearly now. There is no other way to be finished and more importantly healed.

Almost to the next step. I can file in two weeks and will hopefully have a sep agreement prior to that. Been a long road, but the next part is about to begin and I am looking forward to that. Never thought I'd say that, but I still, to this day have nothing left to give. I'm tapped out. I can afford grace and dignity, but that's about it.

Enough. I started a new job and I'm swamped. I really like it though smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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I'm sad tonight. My daughter still doesn't want to have contact with me. I still suspect it's the strain coupled with her desire to "mother" her mom. I'm torn because while it makes me sad, it is not clear to me that it would be in my daughter's best interest to force anything. I think it is not.

I read this article a little while back and it resonates with me. Comments?
http://library.adoption.com/articles/alienation-and-alignment-of-children.html


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Update:
There isn't much of an update really. I have decided to send the birthday present and a note to my daughter. And then to back way off. Won't be easy for me, but it seems the right thing to do.

Later,

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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i'm sure she'll appreciate it down the road.

how have you been doing otherwise? how's the d proceeding?

still reading along ..

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I appreciate you following along. The D? I don't know..waiting for the lawyers to hash things out. Hers is threatening court, mine is saying we're close to a deal. Blah. I don't really care to be honest. I'm interested in my kids and would prefer to have the paperwork off my plate. Otherwise it really makes no difference.

I'm doing pretty well, but it is wearing on me. I'm guessing it's because of the finality. I didn't want to think it would hit me like that, but seems to be. Somehow, I'm normal...

Thanks for the feedback.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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