6 MONTHS IN AND FEELING A WOBBLE........

[lalxx]

Thanks Mila,
I am coping ok - had a fairly steady kind of day but feeling good and looking forward to tomorrow as that's whne the children are back with me and will be for almost 2 weeks (bliss1).
I know my husband is no comfy with my not suing him for divorce on the grounds of his aduletry - I am guessing it is because deep down he would be 'off the hook' to some extent in the future when it came to explaining ot to anyone - a kind of 'see I told you she was a crazy b***h and she divorced me and I wanted to work on our marriage' or 'kids your Mum divorced me don't forget blah, blah' rewriting history kind of way.
I think also deep down in that murky heart of his he knows it'll be harder for him emotionally to divorce me on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour - not from a legal/administrative basis as it takes the same amount of time here in the UK - but from a moral/living with it kind of take and it'll be harder to reconcile with the children when they are older. Just a guess but that's my view.

So, it's HIS divorce and I will let him do the work to take things forward. There will be some real benefits to be divorced from my husband - more disposable income, smaller and easier to maintain home, less control or threat of breaking in from my husband when I have my own place - but that's still a long way away...

I am reconciled to the end of our marriage in the legal sense but it's the marrying up of his perception of our marriage versus my perception that I struggle with....daft I know but I do struggle every now and again.

((hugs)) Mila I hope you are well

lalxx

[Mila]

lalxx - how are you? hope you are doing OK. You know, I was thinking why do they push for D so much. I think it's because they want to legitimize the affair. They want to change it from something ugly and immoral to a legitimate relationship and they can't while they are married to us. Just a thought....

[punkin]

Exactly!! My WH fell into bed with a coworker on a business trip the first week of March, and has been a total a@@ to be ever since. Everything is my fault. He filed for divorce 2 weeks later. I contested and we are at a standstill. I don't think he truly wants a divorce, he justs wants to look good at the moment, but have me to fall back on.

[lalxx]

Hey Mila and punkin,
My husband tells me time and time again that what he and OW has is 'true' and 'pure' ..... this just doesn't sit comfortably with me and the man that he used to be - I believe he believes he is in love with Trout Face and he is certainly in the throes of the first passion and lust of their relationship. I think these hormones and powerful emotions (which are biological after all) are what drives his actions a lot of the time.

I think he thinks Life minus Wife equals his happiness and freedom - but real life says that ain't going to happen surely??

Prior to any experience of MLC I have always been the kind of person that thought 'well if something is over it is over and there is no point in hanging on to something which has died....'

My husband's whole view is that this whole situation is my fault???!! I have got better at validating that view and then moving the conversation on. His past means diddly squat to him right now unless it is his rewritten version.

I met one of the partners in the solicitors practice my husband is using this week at a motivational speaking event. I smiled whilst I said to him that the guy who is handling my husband's divorce should take a nice letter writing course and remember that there are 2 sides to every story and pompous letters written with half the facts are not conducive to constructive divorces, particularly where children are involced and an adulterous party. The guy took my comments in the spirit they were intended.

I think the MLCer has a need to control the situation so much and this also included the future - the LBS divorcing them means they can put whatever spin on it they like in the future whether they are with the person they left the marriage for or not. I feel as if this is a driver for my husband - so he can sya to our children in the future 'your Mum divorced me kids, I wanted to work things through.....'

I have had a busy week this last week - done a lot of thinking and reading on the forum but not much posting - hit a bit of a breakthrough this week which I'm hoping to be able to get into words soon - still growing and still kicking myself up the butt every day!

Gutted England only managed to draw against the US this evening - our boys make it so hard for themselves sometimes!!


((hugs))

lalxx

[ericmsant2]

Laxx

I am so sorry that your sitch has taken this turn. My heart goes out to you. IMO - your H wanted to initiate the process so that he did not have to own it. Personally, a coward move IMO. No disrepect toward your H. I think you are handeling things well.

I would also like to thank you for your message on the alt. It meant a lot to me.

Right now the chips may appeared to be stacked against us, right now we may feel weak, tired, defeated. Are we? I SAY NOT! I say we continue to STAND. Stand - yes...STAND. Stand for our moral beliefs, stand for our families, stand for our children...stand for what is just and right and finally.....stand for OURSELVES!

We have all made mistakes, we are all growing and learning - some faster than others. We GAL, we DETACH because we know we must. When we detach enough we ask ourselve the very question that our MLCer are asking themselves. Is this what I want? I this the life that God wants for me?

If we can put our pride, hurt, anger and disappointment aside we can answer the question.

Personally my question is this....Do I fight for the" Opportunity" to be "second"? I believe not!

Keep loving from a distance..keep doing what is right and just and then....LET GO.

God Bless and Cheers
Eric

[lalxx]

Thank you for your thoughts Eric - I have been in contemplative mood of late and i see this as a huge step forward for me.
I have stopped running around keeping myself busy so that I don't constantly think about my situation and I have been ....well.....just me again.
I have found that I am thinking of me and the children without placing us in the context of my husband's MLC. I have realsied that he is no longer the first thing that I think about when I awake or when my 'mask' drops and I am alone my head is no longer filled with him.

I have also stopped beating myself up for the mistakes I amde during the last 2 years of my marriage - I stopped saying to myself 'P, you behaved like that BECAUSE H did x/y/z' - I have started to reconcile my actions and words and the impact they had on the demise of my marriage (I have paid lip service to this part for the last 6/7 months but in recent weeks I have not been able to hide from me anymore).

I have noticed that my shouders are less taught and my smile is more relaxed and my friends have noticed this.

I am not out of the (MLC) woods by any means, but I feel that I am on the right path and making small yet significant changes which have taken roots in my soul.

I have definitely let go of my anger towards my husband and whilst I still feel sad I feel blessed to have loved a man and been with him for seventeen and a half years. I know the truth of my marriage and our love was real.

I have become less focussed on the 'outcome' of my journey and am enjoying it every day for what it is - a chance for me to grow and end up in a better place.

Eric, your recent, gut wrenchingly, honest posts have helped me enormously to get myself into a place of calm detachment - THANK YOU!

God bless,

lalxx

[ericmsant2]

Laxx

Just following up - how r u?

[libbyasking]

Eric

Lalxx is on holiday at the moment. She will be back shortly.