Bren.. I mentioned this on Ken's thread, but I will say it here...
There are three courses of action your H can take
a. Pursue Open marriage - lie and cheat and keep sneaking out to meet OW b. Separate from you/Move out - pursue OW and end his marriage essentially c. End the affair and reconcile - done with full transparency plan and the assistance of a GOOD family therapist
He is going to keep chasing a. as long as its an option for him...
YOU push him towards BOTH b and c... they aren't a contradiction for YOU to push him to both...
You are basically telling him that
1. You will NOT allow yourself to be lied to 2. A NON-lying him is welcome to return at any time
So you push him and push him until he makes a choice of b or c...
The main thing is to NOT allow a. to be an option anymore... THAT is up to you how long YOU allow him to do that...
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My other point I want to make is about what he says...
So many people on this forum are acting and reacting emotionally and pratically to what is SAID by their WS
MWD makes it QUITE CLEAR to IGNORE what he's saying..its NOT any use to you.
You need to get to a point where your WS just sounds like one of those parents from Charlie Brown... all you hear is blabber that you can ignore...
Never MIND his crying and all that crap... He's crying becuase you are PUSHING him OUT of option a...
He doens't like that.. he doens't like b OR c... he wants a...
He is going to cry, yell, pout, stomp, and SCREAM to keep choice a. for as long as you tolerate it...
YOU need to CUT OFF a. as a choice and push him towards choosing one of the undesirables...
YOU keep all along telling him you want to save the marriage, but at the same time you PUSH him to separate from you by you detaching, packing, etc...
get A out of the option list and he will very likley end the affair, but not until...
PUSH him towards B AND C at the same time... he will have to pick one... he wont like it, but it will get change happening for you...
Easier said than done. This is the biggest decision I've ever had to make and I'm scared. The decision effects so many people. I know I'm co-dependent. I care about what happens to him. I want him to live a happy life. I'm working on my co-dependency issues.
Four years ago I gave up my family, my friends, my home, and my job because he put a ring on my finger and promised me forever. I leached myself to him because I was in a new place, thousands of miles away from my family, no friends, and no job. I put him on a pedestal and waited for him. I couldn't understand why he suddenly didn't want to have sex anymore. I tried everything I could think of for three and a half years. I asked for his help and instead of coming to a willing wife, he found some floozy at work because "it was easier to make her happy." How could that be? All I wanted more from our relationship was sex! Now I'm here. again faced with the strong possibility that I'm going to give up everything we've built together in the last four years and start over, yet again.
I know... I'm complaining. I read some of these other posts and I know that my situation isn't so bad. heck, I even post some responses on other people's threads. It's so much easier to give advice than it is to take it. When he and I are together, I sometimes see the man I fell in love with. I don't understand anything anymore. it's such a blow to my already peaked insecurities that I'm apparently not worth fighting for in his mind. how was I so wrong about this man? how was my judgment so off?
I'm so confused all the time. I know what i need to do, but I haven't found the courage yet. I keep wondering if I'm giving up too soon.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
I met with my pastor this morning. I've been struggling with the whole "for better for worse" section of my wedding vows. You know, is it okay for me to break my vows just because he did? It was a helpful meeting. He said the "better worse" part is more for situations like cancer or lost job or other things like that. He also asked me if i thought my H was a narcissist. I think its a strong possibility. Anyone here ever dealt with a narcissist? Meet with the lawyer on Monday, DB coach alone on Tuesday, and DB coach together on Wednesday. Busy busy week.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Here I am. I asked my H for a divorce last night. I've never felt so hollow in my life. I feel like a monster. I feel like no matter what decision I make, I'm hurting someone. I'm hurting him, I'm hurting my family, and I'm hurting our friends. In my perfect world, he would stop his relationship with the OW cold turkey and devote himself to saving our marriage and we would heal and become stronger together and we don't have to loose everything we've built together. Since he's still involved with the OW four months later, I've had to pick between one sucky option and another sucky option. I can stay and be miserable while he disrespect me or I can ask for a divorce. I asked for a divorce. He cried and said he was sorry that he couldn't end it with the OW in time. I stuck to my guns. I know that its the right thing to do, but i cant help it. i hate it. I love this man so freaking much. I know it's crazy considering everything he's done. It breaks my heart to think of life without him. I'm so angry. I'm angry at the world. I should be angry at him but I'm not. I'm angry at me, I'm angry at God. I'm angry that it's come to this.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
(())...I'm about to do the same thing to my WAW...although she's not involved currently, she is keeping me and our M on the back burner, in case a better option does not present itself.
I feel the same way- more angry at myself than her- even though I know I left the door wide open for a long time.
I'll ask you what a few have asked me- "Are you really done?"
Only you have the answer and there is no wrong answer...
this is a drive by, I will catch up and be more constructive, but I wanted to throw this out there to you.
It sounds like both of your WS WANT you to end it... They want YOU to make that decision. They seem to think they are saving some dignity by NOT ending the marriage... They are Ok with beating it to death with a stick, but they won't deal the killing blow... they cringe...
If you want my advice, just live your lives outside of theirs but don't file for a D... Show them what commitment means.
D is just a piece of paper, why does it have to be filed to live a full life?
I would hold onto your marriage, protest where you can, but otherwise live a full life maintaining commitment... keep up the protest and exposure... These cowards will have their day...
