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Goodfight #1987064 04/21/10 03:46 PM
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Quote:
Last year like I said I had someone help me thinking I was showing H I didn't need him, well that didn't work.


Well no, of course it's not going to work. There isn't anything you can show him that will just "work".

That's why you focus on you, you do for you, you take care of what you need to for you. It takes two people for a marriage, and you can only control one. No, it's not selfish because that's all you can do.

He is away for now. Will he return? NO ONE can answer that. So what do you think you should do with your time while he is away? Improve, learn and grow? or Sit, watch, wait and revisit the pain?

No it's not easy, we all have been there and everyone moves through this at their own pace.

Quote:
So this is how I get confused by all of this. I thought I was acting different and have shown him things (changes in me). By not begging, pleading, calling and arguing etc. But then again how do you show a person anything at all if they aren't around to see changes?


It shouldn't matter if he's around or not because you shouldn't be growing, changing and improving for his sake.

Quote:
I was thinking yesterday about getting off of this site because I guess I just can't be as strong as a lot of you are and especially your friend, your hero. I admire everyone that has given me advice and those that have moved on or reconciled. I don't want to be a bother and it seems like some of you are getting disgusted with me because of my confusion and asking the same questions, and I fully understand. I'm sorry for what I have put you through, but want to thank you for everything you have done for me.


This sounds a bit "victimish." No one here is disgusted with you. We may come off as harsh at times, but more often than not, it's what you need to hear. This is tough, we all have been there and we understand.

You have to focus on, deal with, and heal yourself first.

This is a helpful place, but each and every one of us is responsible for our own work we have to do to make it out of this mess and out doesn't mean saving your marriage, it means saving and improving you.

You shouldn't want to go back to the relationship that failed. You should want a new one with a new you.


Don't stand still.
Mach1 #1987103 04/21/10 04:25 PM
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Mach,

I didn't contact H about the pool. I said I would wait a couple of weeks before I did.

I don't plan on contacting him about the pool since I read the advice from everyone. It's just that Fixer has gone through what our spouses are going through and thought he would be the one to understand what goes on in a MLCer's mind a little bit.

I know that people on here don't want to see me in pain and I appreciate that 100%!

I will not ignore your post at all, I don't ignore anyone's post. You are right, I need to stop being the victim and start healing!!!

Thanks Mach!!


M 41
H 35
D 12
S 18
Separated 11/08
fisherman #1987114 04/21/10 04:37 PM
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Trapt,

Ok, see this is where I really get confused. The book and people on this board say to show the changes to the WAS and they will notice. Show them this and that and see if it works, if it doesn't try something else.

Now you are saying of course it's not going to work. I showed my H that I could get things done without him and got nothing, I asked about the pool last month and he wanted to come help. He contacted me and was nice about it.

I don't plan on asking about the sand for the pool, because of the advice I got on here. Fixer was the only one that said he would like to be needed. So I changed my mind.

I'm glad that you understand that everyone moves through their own pain at their own time.

Also, they say to fake it until you make it and the WAS will notice changes in you. So it's not just for myself, it's suppose to be for my M right????

Thanks for understanding.


M 41
H 35
D 12
S 18
Separated 11/08
Goodfight #1987143 04/21/10 05:28 PM
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Originally Posted By: Goodfight

I know that people on here don't want to see me in pain and I appreciate that 100%!

I will not ignore your post at all, I don't ignore anyone's post. You are right, I need to stop being the victim and start healing!!!


ATTA GIRL GF!
Haven't posted here b4 but can definitely relate to being "stuck" Not sure this will help but it won't hurt.

I posted this a.m. on my thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1954288&page=12

A journal entry for me and a way to look at things?


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Goodfight #1987146 04/21/10 05:30 PM
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GF,

Please stay here, I can understand how you feel, but we can help your journey easier to understand. I know you`re confused. Keep up with your PMA everyday, this is for you.

Your changes will work. It takes time, a long time for your H to believe your changes.

xox
Celestial

Goodfight #1987148 04/21/10 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted By: Goodfight
Ok, see this is where I really get confused. The book and people on this board say to show the changes to the WAS and they will notice. Show them this and that and see if it works, if it doesn't try something else.


GF this is confusing especially if you've been reading other boards. I think you have to keep in mind and what has been said by trapt and others here.

YOU have to do this for YOU. Strategies won't work. Strategies mean expectations. EXPECTATIONS will be your downfall and you will stay STUCK.

Beleive me when you make changes in YOU you be in a much better place.


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Goodfight #1987163 04/21/10 05:50 PM
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Originally Posted By: Goodfight

Ok, see this is where I really get confused. The book and people on this board say to show the changes to the WAS and they will notice. Show them this and that and see if it works, if it doesn't try something else.


I get that and I do believe that the WAS's will and do notice the changes (in time, lots of it) but that is no guarantee that your marriage will be saved.

The book also says that there are no guarantees and that you could do everything "right" (what is that?) and still end up divorced.

Quote:
Also, they say to fake it until you make it and the WAS will notice changes in you. So it's not just for myself, it's suppose to be for my M right????


Notice? Yes. Come back? Who knows?

We can't control that. We can "set the stage" so to speak, but you're dealing with another person's free will here.

Change for you and you can't lose no matter what the outcome is.





Don't stand still.
Goodfight #1987167 04/21/10 05:55 PM
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GF,

I didn't catch in your stich you spoke to a DB coach. If Jody told you not to contact your H then you need to listen to her.

I can tell you how to GAL. There are so many different ways, but it's important to start with at least one. Try walking a mile everyday. Take a stroll around the neighborhood and appreciate the beauty of nature. Go to the library and take out an exercising video to get in shape. Start a personal journal and fill it with the negative thoughts you have. Then go back and rewrite your sentences with positive thoughts.
Example:
Negative thought: I can't do anything without my H. I need him in my life.
Positive thought: I took care of the pool the best I can without H's help. I can do things without him. If H wants me in his life, well then he know where I am.

Also in this journal write a list of things you can do to GAL.
Fishing, walking, running, take up a craft, volunteer. There out there you need to find them.

I know your hurting and I feel bad about your stich. All I can do is give advice; good and bad.
Fixer

fisherman #1987169 04/21/10 05:58 PM
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Goodfight,

You think this is all about getting them back don't you?

You think these are all tricks and tactics to get them back?

That some work better than others?

That some are quicker?

That some are...magical?


Dissuade yourself of this notion.

These things ARE FOR YOU.

It just so happens, that when you get strong and self confident, you look attractive to others...and if the time is right and your MLC spouse is coming out of the tunnel, you no longer look pathetic, but strong, maybe strong enough to actually help him.

But...

That sounds like a lot of hooey, how could that possibly work?

There must be some trick to making...controlling another person into doing what you want...

I sure as hell wouldn't be posting here if I KNEW that trick. I'd have my own country. Jacklandia!



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Goodfight #1987170 04/21/10 06:01 PM
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Originally Posted By: Goodfight
The book and people on this board say to show the changes to the WAS and they will notice. Show them this and that and see if it works, if it doesn't try something else.


So.....Is what you have been doing working ?

I mean seriously working ?


I would say that making the changes for you...


THEN.....



Seeing IF he noticed , sounds like a better plan....

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