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A Message from Michele
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Re: MLC or not? [Re: Fixer] #1983739
04/16/10 06:19 PM
04/16/10 06:19 PM
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cat04 Offline
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I’m sorry I just can’t sit back and watch this anymore…


Originally Posted By: Fixer

About this pool cover and sand. As a guy's point of view we like to be appreciated. If you ask H to do you and the kids a favor when you know he's listening he may tell you what you want. Here's how I would ask.


Here is how I would ask…

I would ASSUME that it has never been changed, go out, buy the sand necessary, and change it.

Then I would keep my own records, so in the future, I would know when it needed to be done again.

The people at the pool store can tell you how to do this. You can find the instructions on the internet.

NOT a big deal, NOT a crisis, and DEFINITELY NOT something that requires contacting him. I own a pool. I deal with it. Period.

Originally Posted By: Fixer
I believe we need to let the WAS know we're alive.


They know we are alive. AND they are trying to get away from us. WHY would you force yourself on someone who SAYS they don’t want you around?

Yes they watch. Even when they don’t live with us, they watch…

Originally Posted By: fixer
To quote Star Wars "Stay away from the darkside." Going dark hurts us more than them.


UNTRUE. Going dark teaches us to take care of ourselves. It helps us to stay out of the line of fire. To stop the spinning and make a life of our own.

Part of the problem, in most of our situations, is that we are way too involved with our M’s. NOT taking care of ourselves.

NO taking care of yourself is NOT selfish. IT is NECESSARY.

Let your H spin and take care of YOU and STOP worrying about what he is doing and LIVE.

IF you have a chance at all of getting him back, that is what you have to do.

IF he doesn’t come back, well then your life is better and you know how to take care of what you need to take care of without him.

The choice is yours and yours alone.



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Re: MLC or not? [Re: cat04] #1983815
04/16/10 07:20 PM
04/16/10 07:20 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 57
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Jasmine Offline
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GF,
I am siding with Cat on this one. YOU should NOT contact H about this. You haven't done enough work on detachment for YOURSELF!

Yes, I wanted to hear from H, but after doing some of the work here, it was not in my best interest. What I wanted to hear from H was, "Just checking in on you to see how you are." I didn't want to hear his neediness and that he couldn't do certain things for himself without me. He called me one time because he couldn't find a sleeping bag for him to go on a camping trip with his buddies. The dog was sick what should he do? Uh, VET?

This may be sick and construed but at the time, his needy calls were interrupting MY "new playing house time" with OM. Had he called just to check in with me, I wouldn't have felt it was an intrusion.

Ok, that just flowed from the keyboard...back to reading the boards....


Me: WAW/MLC 41
H: 42
M: 16 yr T: 20
Me: EA/PA started Sept 2008
D: Anytime, just need to sign papers
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1968939&page=1
Re: MLC or not? [Re: Jasmine] #1983958
04/16/10 08:32 PM
04/16/10 08:32 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,169
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Posts: 13,169
NY
Originally Posted By: Jasmine
GF,
What I wanted to hear from H was, "Just checking in on you to see how you are." I didn't want to hear his neediness and that he couldn't do certain things for himself without me. He called me one time because he couldn't find a sleeping bag for him to go on a camping trip with his buddies. The dog was sick what should he do? Uh, VET?

This may be sick and construed but at the time, his needy calls were interrupting MY "new playing house time" with OM. Had he called just to check in with me, I wouldn't have felt it was an intrusion.
Jasmine, I find this very interesting. Thanks for writing it. I told you that you would be able to payback.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: MLC or not? [Re: cat04] #1984084
04/16/10 11:19 PM
04/16/10 11:19 PM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,044
Fixer Offline
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Hi Cat,

It's clear you and I don't agree on how to treat an MLC'er. To contact the WAS or not to contact them. To be self suffient or not. I agree that going dark is a protecton, but I don't see where GF has to protect herself.

At this point like the subject of this post we don't know if her H is in MLC. If he's a true blown MLC'er he needs to make this trip alone. You can't reason or tell him what to do. I think he knows what he's doing and can't help himself.

I think in order to save this M, we have to try different things. I also feel that going dark should be a "Last Resort Technique" we save for an emergency.

Fixer

Re: MLC or not? [Re: Fixer] #1984214
04/17/10 04:23 AM
04/17/10 04:23 AM
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Jasmine Offline
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Posts: 57
Thanks OldPilot. As I participate more, I learn more about myself.

Like GF, I was the "mommy". Making sure EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING was in order for H to have a smooth life/day. He didn't have to lift a finger on ANYTHING. This was what was programmed into me to being a wife. If I took care of home and everything that fell under that roof, all he had to do was bring in the income, life would be peachy.

Fixer, I am not Cat but just wanted to chime in. From GF's posts, she still feels the need to be the nurturer and the care taker. From what I have gathered, she hasn't done enough detachment and truly taken care of herself. She is still fragile and damaged. Any sort of contact can throw her H into running again and her back to square one.

Last edited by Jasmine; 04/17/10 04:27 AM.

Me: WAW/MLC 41
H: 42
M: 16 yr T: 20
Me: EA/PA started Sept 2008
D: Anytime, just need to sign papers
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1968939&page=1
Re: MLC or not? [Re: Goodfight] #1984259
04/17/10 08:36 AM
04/17/10 08:36 AM
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 91
East Yorkshire, UK
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lalxx Offline
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GF,
I can only reiterate what worked for me - I have a policy of not responding to a given situation (e-mail, text, call) until after 9pm that evening - if the issue still bothers me at that time I try and formulate a plan to sort it - if I can't then I write it down in my journal and sleep on it. Most issues are not in my head by 9pm.

You need to just take a little step away from your husband - I am paraphrasing here but someone on this forum wrote:-

The things that drags all of us down the most is our constant watching of the circumstances around us. A small trouble is like a pebble. Hold it too close to your eye and it fills the whole world and puts everything out of focus. Hold it at a proper distance and it can be examined and properly classified. Throw it at your feet and it can be seen in its true setting, just one more tiny bump on the pathway to life

This makes total sense - not having much contact with your husband is counter intuitive to you and that was how it felt to me but since I LEARNED how to do it, with dignity and for the right reasons, I have a better take on my situation and can see the wood for the trees.

I hope this helps a little as you seem to be twisting in the wind but I guess you KNOW what you need to do but doing it is another.

My husband left 7 months ago, has been in a relationship with an exgirlfriend from 25 years ago for 18 months and in the last 2 weeks he has shown real interest in what i am doing, has noticed changes to our home and knows my plans for GAL - I haven't told him - my children have shared bits with him BUT he is looking at me and is intrigued by what he sees - I continue to be warm when i have to be and detached - playing by my rules so that I don't get hurt again by rushing him into something that I want desperately (a chance at reconciliation) but know in my heart of hearts it is way too early for him......

Save your sanity and start on the road to the you, YOU are meant to be.

lalxx


Choose Life
Me: 45
Him: 44
S:11
D:8
Met in 1992
Married in 1995
Bomb drop September 30th 2009
Divorce final April 16th 2011
exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
Re: MLC or not? [Re: Jasmine] #1984263
04/17/10 09:20 AM
04/17/10 09:20 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,169
NY
Cadet Offline

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Posts: 13,169
NY
Originally Posted By: Jasmine

Fixer, I am not Cat but just wanted to chime in. From GF's posts, she still feels the need to be the nurturer and the care taker. From what I have gathered, she hasn't done enough detachment and truly taken care of herself. She is still fragile and damaged. Any sort of contact can throw her H into running again and her back to square one.
Fixer, GF
FWIW I agree with CAT. In MLC detach, NC if possible, is the best thing to do for both yourself and the one in crisis. Other DB techniques have to wait until later.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: MLC or not? [Re: Cadet] #1984272
04/17/10 11:21 AM
04/17/10 11:21 AM
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cat04 Offline
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Fixer,

Well I almost don’t know if I need to respond as so many have done so very eloquently.

Let me start by saying I may have a recent register date, but this is my second go round with MLC. I have been dealing with this on and off since 1998. I have made every mistake there is, and I have tried things that people on this board have never mentioned, some with success, as he returned after 2 years the first time, some not so well. However, it wasn’t until I really worked on myself and started putting my focus on building my life versus my marriage, that I was able to see my situation clearly.

While I do not always advocate going dark, I do not see it as part of LRT. Which really, if employed correctly is not a technique but a state of mind. Saving a marriage is not about manipulation and ploys, stroking of egos, making changes that don’t last or are not right for you but for the sake of the marriage only. It is about two people being willing to work through their issues, together and separately. It is about learning how to forgive, learning how to communicate, and learning how to be interdependent, not co dependent.

In GF’s case, she needs to go dark, so that she can work on herself. If her H came back now, NOTHING would be different. While that might be okay for her, I can see it leading her back here shortly. From her own words….

Originally Posted By: Goodfight
I know I'm wasting a lot of time and energy, but just can't stop thinking about this whole mess. It consumes me all day at work and where ever I am. All I do is think and think. I'm so depressed that I'm on my 4th antidepressant and lost over 25lbs that I couldn't afford to lose.


Originally Posted By: Goodfight
It's just that he confuses me so much and the kids.


Originally Posted By: Goodfight
I almost lost my job also, due to missing so much work because of the depression. All I did was sit and think and cry. How could he do this to me and the kids?


Originally Posted By: Goodfight
I'm having a terrible time detaching. I know the GAL thing and all of the other advice but when you suffer from depression this is very hard to do. Plus the panic attacks make it worse,


Originally Posted By: Goodfight
I know hanging on is toxic, but I just don't know how to drop the rope.


Originally Posted By: Goodfight
I guess my biggest fear is losing my spouse. You are so right. I do define myself by my dreams for the future that we both had.


These are not words of a person who is ready and able to put a M back together. These things are just from this thread.

These are words of a person who continued contact will confuse her more. She has been here a year. I do not know if she is any better emotionally now than when she received the bomb.

As far as her H being in MLC…

You are right we don’t know, only Goodfight can make that decision. However IMO from reading just this thread, it would not surprise me in the least.

Fixer,

I believe in treating the MLCer with as much loving kindness as possible. Sometimes, the most loving and kind thing we can do for them, and for ourselves, is to leave them alone.



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Re: MLC or not? [Re: cat04] #1984284
04/17/10 12:37 PM
04/17/10 12:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 73
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Celestial X 5 Offline
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These are not words of a person who is ready and able to put a M back together. These things are just from this thread.

These are words of a person who continued contact will confuse her more. She has been here a year. I do not know if she is any better emotionally now than when she received the bomb.

As far as her H being in MLC…

You are right we don’t know, only Goodfight can make that decision. However IMO from reading just this thread, it would not surprise me in the least.

Fixer,

I believe in treating the MLCer with as much loving kindness as possible. Sometimes, the most loving and kind thing we can do for them, and for ourselves, is to leave them alone.

These are all good reasons to go dark. Some of us go dark as a LRT when after treating our MLC`er with kindness and love, they are still so lost.

Every sitch is different, we are here to help our journey.Everyone`s opinion matters to all of us. That`s the beauty if these BB`s.

Celestial

Re: MLC or not? [Re: cat04] #1984423
04/17/10 06:28 PM
04/17/10 06:28 PM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,044
Fixer Offline
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Fixer  Offline
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GF,
It's clear I don't know your stich as well as others on this board. I think it is also important to understand we need to listen to all advice and be honest with ourself. Only you will know what works best.

Cat, your thoughts on going dark for self preservation is right. For me it hurt when I went dark. Since my W and I lived together it might have been different.

Fixer

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